Breakeven
by Conn8d
Summary: Jackson doesn't give April a reason. When they come together again 10 years later, they both realize they have regrets. Can they get it right this time around? Spoilers for the S9 finale.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hello again, friends! Here is that angsty Japril story I promised you. Now, I want to warn you all right now that this story has essentially all the elements of a Japril worst case scenario. It is angst and it is supposed to hurt a bit. But I promise you it will be a good and interesting read. Bear with me and come along for the ride! All will be revealed. Thank you so much for reading, and please feel free to let me know what you think!**

* * *

Harper Avery was dying.

Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow.

The legendary surgeon had made it to the ripe old age of 93, but he was on his last legs. Harper knew it and Jackson knew it. Catherine Avery knew it. As the three of them sat together in a hospice room, going over the final candidates for this year's Harper Avery Awards, he knew that they were all thinking the same thing. This was the last year they would vet the nominees together. All the board members and foundation members from various hospitals across the country had made their initial nominations and voted the candidates down to ten.

Of course, only five could win per year. Only five. The five best surgeons in the country for the year 2023. There were a lot of good candidates, and the final say was going to leave some of those excellent surgeons out of luck. Harper, Jackson, and Catherine were charged with choosing who was best. Which was far from easy. Not just because of Harper's declining health.

For Jackson, some of the difficulty also related to _who_ exactly was nominated. That whole 'time heals all wounds' thing? Totally bogus. Especially when it came to your own mistakes. But he didn't like to dwell.

But of course, there were some mistakes he couldn't get out of his mind, no matter how much he wanted to.

_"Don't," Jackson groaned. He wasn't happy to see her. Not after the night he'd had. "Whatever's bugging you, just keep it to yourself, alright?" _

_April was standing in front of him, eyes wide, muscles taught, as her whole body rocked slightly. She was shifting from foot to foot, like a diver standing on the edge of a platform contemplating some distant pool below. And looking at him like...looking at him so intently that it was everything he could do not to flinch from the intensity. Instead he blinked. _

_When April didn't respond to his words, Jackson lifted his eyebrows and a thumb in question. What was her deal? And how many times had Jackson asked himself that very question in exasperation over the past year? Even today. He'd watched her agree to some lame flashmob proposal from her boyfriend, and then she'd tried to beat him up. __He'd been in an explosion. His ribs hurt. He was tired._

_Jackson really didn't have the energy to deal with the seesaw emotional whirlwind that was April Kepner right at this very moment. Or maybe any moment. He was tired. He was done. _

_Finally, shoulders rising, and with a quick, audible inhale of breath, April spoke,__"I want you, Jackson. I want you."_

Words that should have changed everything. And they had, in a way. But looking back, the change was as far as it possibly could be from what he actually wanted. And at the time, he'd been so very wrong in his estimation of what he really wanted.

Jackson shook himself. Don't go there, man. Pinching the bridge of his nose, he turned his attention back to his mother and grandfather. They had a job to do. Over the years Jackson had been slowly brought into the fold of the Harper Avery Foundation. Getting his God damned legacy on.

It all started with the Foundation's purchase of Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital in Seattle back during his fellowship. He became the foundation's representative on the hospital board. His mother had forced him to essentially become everybody's freaking boss. Just what he always wanted. Not. But it wasn't like he could have said no. The hospital would have shut down if not for his mother's investment. And as far as he knew, Catherine had only brought the foundation in so that Jackson could begin to follow in the family footsteps. She pretended it was all about Richard Webber, and maybe it was, but Jackson knew that wasn't the whole thing.

He'd had no choice. Right? Jackson felt at peace with at least that part of things. He really felt that Grey Sloan deserved to stay in business.

The move had saved the hospital where Jackson had spent most of his residency, and a place that he had grown to love, but it had also marked the beginning of a huge change in the trajectory of his medical career. Because Catherine and Harper Avery kept buying hospitals in distress. And Jackson kept accepting board memberships. It was easier than putting his foot down.

Now, he was a fully active and important member of the Harper Avery Foundation, representing them on the boards of 6 hospitals on the western seaboard, including being based at Grey Sloan in Seattle. He was being an Avery, in a way he'd never relished, and at least it satisfied his family. He also had surgical privileges at all the hospitals whose boards he sat on. That was Harper's idea to sweeten the deal, since Jackson had never wanted to be on the board of any hospital in the first place.

Masterful planning on his grandfather's part.

Of course, having the privileges to operate at 6 of the leading hospitals on the west coast didn't actually mean that Jackson _actually_ operated very often. He didn't. In fact, he was increasingly _the_ face of the organization, flying around the country to represent it, picking up for his grandfather as the old man's health failed and his still vivacious but aging mother slowed down. When people thought of the Harper Avery foundation, they now thought of him.

Jackson hated it.

He didn't get to operate much. He was stressed all the time. He rarely had the time to work on his own projects. Jackson mostly just flew around from hospital to hospital, doing admin stuff, and giving lectures. He didn't get to teach one on one much either. Though, Jackson could admit that some of that was his own fault. He'd racked up a reputation with interns that made most chiefs of surgery think twice.

Stephanie was the first, but she wasn't the last.

Jackson wasn't exactly proud of the fact that he was _that_ attending. The one male interns snickered and whispered about, while their female counter parts either avoided like a plague or threw themselves at to get ahead. In time he'd learned to be more discreet. None of it was serious, of course. Just fun for the very little that was worth. Something to take his mind of the myriad of mistakes he knew he'd made over the past decade. He needed the distractions on the one hand, but Jackson regretted it all.

_"When that bus exploded...I thought you were gone-"_

___April stopped short, pressing a hand to her mouth. Even in the darkened light, Jackson could see the ringlets forming on the damp tips of the hair ducked behind her ears. _

_He repeated it again, more calmly, urging her to see reason. She'd made her choice already. Jackson had seen her do it along with everyone else at the freaking hospital. She'd accepted a proposal right in the ambulance bay. Right in front of his face._

_"You're getting married."_

_She pulled her hand back and looked at Jackson straight in the eyes, boring into him. Her gaze was hopeful, terrified, and pleading. _

_"Unless you can give me a reason not to..."_

Jackson had a lot of regrets.

"And the oncologist from Hawaii? He might be a good pick...he's done far more research than you have Jackie," Harper wheezed, squinting down thick glasses at the tablet he held in one arthritis stricken hand. His brow furrowed when the screen remained unchanged. The old man was still sharp as a tack, but his body was beginning to fail him. Coordination wasn't easy. "Why can't I see his documentation?"

"Jackson, baby," Catherine's eyes lifted from behind her own tablet, stock full of resumes, patient histories, and nominee profiles. "Help your grandfather..."

Scowling, Jackson leaned forward and flicked the appropriate files. So this is forty? Grandfather still critical of everything he did, and his mother still bossing him around. Great.

"What do you say, Jackie?" Harper queried, pointing to the candidate again now that he could see the information. "Dr. Ben Akanu from Queen's Medical Center, Honolulu. Might add some geographic diversity, don't you think? That can't hurt at the awards gala. No one will accuse us of favoring Boston or New York."

Never mind the fact that Jackson and Catherine knew full well that Harper actually _did_ prefer candidates from powerhouse hospitals of Boston and New York, like Mass Gen and St. Luke's. He legitimately thought they produced better surgeons, but he was a clever man. Brilliantly calculating exactly when the Foundation and the Awards needed to save face.

"I guess," Jackson shrugged, glancing through the man's research history. The doctor had spent a career pioneering a new cancer treatment, and had good patient survival statistics as a result. He was more than qualified.

"Then we all agree; he's a yes," his mother said definitively, nodding and skipping ahead to the next. Catherine beamed, eyes lifting from her tablet to observe Jackson with an expression that he could only call her 'meddling' look. "Look who is next, baby!"

The tight feeling in his gut told Jackson that he didn't even need to look. The next candidate was the one he'd been worried about all along.

It was _her. _

April.

Jackson tried not to think of April Kepner (correction: April Taylor) these days. It hurt too much. But not thinking about April was easier said than done. He could never forget about her, no matter how much easier that might be for him. And he was hard pressed to ignore her, given how alarmingly often she made some sort of appearance in his life, even years after their friendship had ended.

Sighing, Jackson quickly scanned the summary of information compiled for April's Harper Avery nomination. The second try had been the charm for April, and she'd passed her boards handily in June of 2013, despite all that had (or hadn't) happened between her and Jackson during Seattle's superstorm only weeks previous. And then she'd gone away to Cleveland for her fellowship.

Now, April was the Head of Trauma at Case Western Reserve. But she had also become the founder of a regional disaster response team that was well respected across the country. Her articles on trauma protocol were the next 'big thing' in University and medical school courses. Checklists and trauma training were essential when dealing with large scale disasters, like tornadoes, landslides, and floods. April had been on the scene of many major weather events in the past decade and she'd had a few scrapes with danger. She had made a career off of global warming and the increase of natural disasters in the Midwest.

It scared the hell out of Jackson.

For as much as they'd fallen out of touch over the years (which Jackson felt was as much his fault as hers and he couldn't blame her for keeping her distance really), he had of course kept track of April's career from a distance. Since he was no longer close to her personally, he could at least keep track of her professional life. He couldn't help himself. Any connection was better than none.

So Jackson kept his eyes and ears open. News reports, journal articles, and the like. And they still had many mutual friends. He'd gotten glimpses of her at conferences, and shared stilted awkward small talk at weddings. On the ten year anniversary of the hospital shooting he'd bumped into her visiting Reed and Charles graves. She'd been leaving just as he arrived.

On these occasions, he'd never been able to find the right words to talk about it all, _them,_ the decline of their friendship, or his part in it either. Even so, Jackson knew that he and April were still undoubtedly connected, even though it hurt.

They kept coming together. Like the universe had it in for him. Like it wanted to rub all of the biggest mistakes he'd ever made in his face and laugh maniacally.

"A trauma surgeon?" Harper nearly sneered. "We've never given the Harper Avery Award to a trauma surgeon."

Jackson rolled his eyes at the sneer that occupied his grandfather's face. It was no secret that his grandfather favored some specialties more than others. He turned to face the old man, "Until 2 years ago, we never gave an award to a plastic surgeon either, but now we've done that."

The old man set his jaw and commented haughtily, "That's all your doing, not mine. _I_ was out voted."

"Oh Harper," Catherine commented blithely, rolling her eyes.

That argument had not been a pleasant one. Jackson knew his grandfather had never really approved of his surgical specialty. He insinuated that the whole thing was about boob jobs, bimbos, and big bucks. Which Jackson had vehemently argued against. Long ago, Mark Sloan had taught him that the specialty had a much nobler purpose. One that in his mind was undoubtedly good enough to warrant a Harper Avery Award. And to his surprise, his mother had sided with him against Harper for that vote.

"At least plastic surgery in principle meets the standards of the Award," his grandfather continued. "The Award is designed to honor me and the values I upheld in my surgical career. Innovation and research. Invention. Precision. Trauma surgery is..."

Catherine crossed her arms defiantly, "Is what?"

"Is imprecise! Hacking and sewing as quickly as possible-"

"Grandpa! They save lives!" Jackson retorted.

"I don't dispute that they do," Harper answered, shifting in his bed and adjusting the oxygen line beneath his nose. "And I don't dispute that that is important. But trauma surgeons stitch people up and keep them alive long enough to make it upstairs to receive further treatment from some more gifted surgeon whose work _should_ receive a Harper Avery."

"Grandpa that doesn't make an sense," Jackson challenged. "Trauma surgeons can be very gifted..."

Whatever reservations he might have about giving April a Harper Avery Award, they were purely personal and had nothing to do with his opinions on trauma surgery in general or April Kepner's abilities as a surgeon. He knew she was a great surgeon. He'd seen that first hand. The knot in Jackson's stomach came more from the knowledge that, if they gave it to her, he'd have to see April again in person at the awards gala. And not just in passing or accidentally as they had over the years.

The Harper Avery Awards Gala, like the Harper Avery himself, was no small deal. It was, in fact, one of the biggest events in the surgical field. Like the superbowl half time show in sports. Like the Oscars for acting. Or the White House correspondence dinner for journalists. Any surgeon who was anyone wanted to be there, even though only a select few could manage to get in.

By tradition the members of the Avery family always sat at the same table with the award winners and their guests, and spend most of the event with them. So there would be no way for Jackson to avoid the reality of everything that had happened between him and April.

_"You're getting married," Jackson said for a third time, scowling. His body ached and his nerves were frayed and he just couldn't fully comprehend what he was hearing. He was annoyed and he felt like he couldn't believe it. _

_April was still standing there at the foot of his bed, staring at him. "Jackson..."_

_Jackson just couldn't focus on her face. Something inside him kept pulling him back to that afternoon, as he'd watched her expressions during Matthew's stupid proposal. She'd smiled and cried and let the tall paramedic lift her into the air, and Jackson had watched it all. His expression grew hard. He'd watched her say yes._

___"I'm sure soon enough Matthew will burn his ass again, and then you can stand in front of him and tell him you want him too."_

_Yes. _

_He didn't really know why that actually surprised him as much as it did. Or why it bothered him as much as it did. __Though Jackson knew that April and Matt had had their troubles recently, she'd said herself that she really liked the guy. Even if he was a doofus. Jackson had to admit that the paramedic seemed to offer April everything she wanted. Religion, marriage, flashmobs. Big romantic gestures._

_There really was no reason that April shouldn't marry Matthew. Was there?_

_Matthew could give April all the things Jackson couldn't. Maybe that's how it was supposed to be. If there was one thing they'd learned from the whole mess of the end of their sexual relationship, surely it was that they did not fit together easily, no matter how good it had felt. _

_"No," April said earnestly, shaking her head vigorously sending tiny droplets of water off of the trips of her damp hair. "Listen, I didn't understand before, Jackson. I didn't understand how I felt. I want you; I think I always have wanted you." _

_Jackson opened his mouth but the words didn't come to him. He didn't exactly know what he wanted to say. On the one hand there was this big indescribable feeling in the pit of his stomach. A yawning gulf filled with hope and possibility and could be's. A trap door that opened, making him vulnerable. Giving in to the feeling would mean placing his feelings in the hands of someone else. It was a door Jackson didn't like to open. But it also was almost enough for him to say 'I want you too.' _

_Almost. _

_ He'd felt same sort of overwhelming opening feeling during the pregnancy scare, when he'd realized that he actually was 'in'. _

_But look how that had worked out. April hadn't wanted him then, and now she was probably just having another freakout. And he couldn't handle hearing the realization or epiphany that Jackson was sure would come. About how them being together was a freaking car crash, or how it wasn't God approved and whatever else. Especially because Jackson knew he was not anything like Matt. _

_She'd reject him eventually. It happened before and it wasn't a position Jackson was about to put himself in again. __ You couldn't trust that a person wouldn't abandon you. Life had taught him that. _

_Exposing himself to pain? Screw that. He'd be better off, and April would too. Matthew was perfect for her. He wanted the same things she did. Jackson wasn't sure what he wanted, other than to sleep off his splitting headache and to avoid exposure to hurt. So what he had to say became very clear. _

_Finally, Jackson set his jaw and snapped, "Y__ou can't have everything you want."_

_That was the one defining truth of Jackson's life. When he was little, he'd wanted his father to stay more than anything. But Warren Avery still left. Growing up, he'd wanted his dad to come back, even just for a visit, but that never happened. He'd spent his adolescence not wanting to deal with the legacy of being an Avery. But he couldn't escape it. And just last year, he'd wanted Mark to live, but his mentor had still died. _

_"Jackson?" April tried again in desperation. Her body doubled over, and her face paled, like she was about to loose her dinner. _

_He knew it was terrible, and it horrified Jackson to feel the way he did, but he actually found some sick satisfaction in watching. Like it was April's turn to know what it felt like to left behind. Like Jackson had when she didn't come to Joe's. Rejected, like Jackson had felt on that bench outside the hospital while she thanked god they didn't have to get married. Like it would be such a chore to be married to him, anyway. He was Jackson Avery. He was gorgeous. He was a good guy. He was an Avery. He could have any woman he wanted._

_Couldn't he? _

_Suddenly feeling guilty, Jackson's expression softened, "Look, April. I'm really tired and so are you. It's been a long night. You have a fiance waiting for you. Wanting you. So just leave me alone." _

_April's confused eyes widened, already filled with tears, "Jackson? Please, I'm not tired...I mean, I am, but I-that's not why...I'm sorry I didn't know before...and I just-"_

_Rambling. So her. It was almost enough to make him take it all back. Almost enough to make him give into the tug and pull of those uncomfortable feelings in his chest. The ones he didn't quite have a name for. The ones he was scared of. The ones that might lead to hurt. __Jackson almost gave in._

_ Almost but not quite._

_The risk was just too great. Jackson swallowed, watching with a heavy heart as April started to sob at the foot of his bed. He hated to make her cry, but it was the only way. This might be painful to them both, right now, but in the long run surely it would save them both from a bigger hurt. Matthew and April made more sense. They could work. Jackson knew he and April worked as friends._

_Yes, friendship was a safe bet. They'd push through the awkwardness somehow. _

_He sighed, "Just go, April."_

At the time Jackson hadn't realized what he wanted. At the time he'd still thought that they could salvage some sort of friendship. At the time he'd been unable to give in to the feelings that terrified him. At the time he hadn't even known what they were. He'd been too late to realize so many things. And he'd missed so many opportunities.

If April won a Harper Avery, there would be no way for Jackson continue to avoid the reality that April really wasn't April Kepner anymore. She was April Taylor.

"Next thing you know we'll be honoring a plastic surgeon," Harper grumbled sarcastically.

Jackson lifted his gaze from April's picture and rolled his eyes, "We already have Grandpa..."

The old man crossed his arms and scoffed, "Ah, yes. I was trying to forget..."

"Well, with all the coverage of Dr. Taylor's trauma work this past summer during that big flood, giving her the award would be good PR for the foundation," Catherine argued.

Jackson smiled wistfully and looked down at April's image on the screen again. It was her Case Western Reserve ID photograph, so her expression was neutral, and lacked the dimpled smile he missed so dearly. He couldn't help but try to read the expression in her eyes. Was she happy? Did she miss him as much as he missed her? At nest he could say that she looked tired, but that could cover any number of emotions. Jackson hated that he couldn't tell which anymore. Once, he'd been able to read her like a book.

Now they might as well be strangers.

"All in favor of giving April the award, say aye," Catherine beamed. She held up one hand, "Aye."

Jackson laughed, and raised his hand, "Aye."

All issues aside, there was absolutely no way Jackson would deny April this opportunity. Nor could he deny himself the opportunity to see her again.

Harper, shook his head and fidgeted with his oxygen line, "Well, since I am already being out voted...it doesn't really matter how I vote."

Catherine shook her head, and chuckled, "No, it doesn't."

"Shows how much my opinion matters these days," the old man lamented grumpily.

"Don't mope," Catherine chastised, shaking her head at her father in law. "Besides you got your pick for 3 out of the 5." She turned to Jackson and nudged him gently. "Plus, Jackson did his residency with April Taylor. They were great friends."

He winced at his mother's use of the past tense. It was true but it still sucked. Catherine eyed her son suspiciously, and added, "Not that I know why you two had such a falling out-"

"Mom-" Jackson growled. For years, his mother had for the most part stuck to her promise to stay out of his private life. But it was clear that Catherine was still desperately curious. Although she'd kept in touch with April, and peppered Jackson with questions for years, it was clear that she really didn't know everything that had happened. He'd lied about everything, making it all seem as though he and April had simply drifted apart as their careers advanced. Jackson suspected his mother didn't buy his story, but she didn't push him as much as she once would have.

"Anyway," Catherine huffed, turned back to her father in law. "I still correspond with April from time to time. She's a good one, Harper honey. We know."

"Yeah," Jackson murmured, sighing. "She's a good one."

* * *

April was teaching when the email came.

She was standing in front of a room full of first year residents when she felt the buzzing of her phone in her lab coat pocket. And she knew. She just knew what it was.

"Mistakes can be your worst enemies in a trauma situation," she said, faltering only slightly at the vibration. "Everything is fluid, and you might not know exactly what injuries you are dealing with. It might even be a situation where the conditions around you are also pretty fluid and chaotic. You might be dealing with a storm situation, burns in fire conditions, exploding stomachs..."

That last comment make the residents in front of April gasp, and she nodded, "Oh, yeah. Actually happened. I'm not making this stuff up."

"Whoa," breathed a blacked haired woman in the front row. "How?"

"Liquid nitrogen in a drink, so next time you folks go out on the town, try to stay away from the drinks with smoke. Your stomach will thank you."

The class laughed and April reached her hand into her pocket, pulling out her phone and taking a peek at the screen. Sure enough, the email was from the Harper Avery Foundation. She'd known it. And it was fine. It was. That they hadn't picked her. She never expected to even be nominated for an award anyway.

Not being selected really wasn't the end of the world. April had learned that the hard way. Life went on, even when you weren't picked.

Clearing her throat, April returned her attention to the residents in front of her, "So, in trauma, you might often find yourself in some pretty distracting situations. This is when it can be tempting to skip steps, push ahead, and try to get things under control."

She squared her shoulders and looked out at the room of young faces. Some residents were eagerly watching her. Others were staring at her powerpoint. Still others had their heads bent down as they furiously scribbled down notes. Yet another set seemed to be tuning her out altogether. It took April back to the early days of her medical career. She'd have been the one taking copious notes. Back at Mercy West, she'd never been far from a notebook.

_The sound of snickering pulled April's attention away from her little red notebook. Reed was by her side, and Charles and Jackson were sitting in front of her laughing loudly at some inside joke as Dr. Norton droned on. Reed was getting frustrated. April was too. Their antics were practically interrupting the skills lab. _

_"Shh!" April hissed quietly holding a finger to her lips. _

_"Like that's going to work," Reed scowled sarcastically, taking matters literally into her own hands and leaning forward to smack both men in the back of the head._

_Charles moaned, "Ow." _

_"Hey!" Jackson demanded turning around, rubbing his neck. He didn't know who'd hit him, and he fixed his mesmerizing blue gaze on April, leaving her predictably flustered. He smirked when she quickly averted her gaze. _

_Most of the time she could ignore the fact that he basically looked like a god on earth. She had to, because it wasn't like she was the only one to notice he was gorgeous. Any woman could see that. Any man could too. Probably even blind people could sense that. And it wasn't like April finding Jackson attractive would make a difference anyway. She was not the kind of girl he'd ever go after. He wouldn't even notice if she thought he was handsome. He wouldn't care. _

_Guys like him didn't want girls like her._

_So she ignored his looks and tried to focus on being his friend. Mercy West was one of the first places where April felt like she really did have friends in Reed, Charles, and Jackson. It was a competitive friendship, yes. This was a residency program after all. And it had taken their little intern group a while to gel together. But they were friends._

_Charles turned around too, "What's that for?" _

_"You're being idiots, that's why," Reed explained calmly._

_"Loveable idiots," Charles replied offering the petite surgeon a toothy grin. _

_"You wish." The corners of Reed's mouth curled upwards._

_April gasped, ducking her head as old Dr. Norton paused in his lecture and peered toward their space in the back of the room. _

_"Guys be quiet!" she pleaded in as soft a whisper as she could manage._

_The old doctor resumed her lecture, and her three friends laughed. April sighed in relief and started clicking the top of her pen. _

_"Relax, April," Jackson said, grinning catching her gaze once again, making her cheeks flush and heart skip a beat. "It's only a trauma skills lab. Not like any of us want to go trauma."_

Ha.

Those days seemed so long ago now. So very different than April's life these days. Life seemed so simple back then. Now, she was back in Ohio. Reed and Charles were dead. She missed them dearly. And Jackson was still in Seattle. She missed him too.

April wondered if he missed her as much. She wondered what he'd thought about her nomination for the Harper Avery Award. If he cared that she didn't get it. He had to know about it. She'd always hated not knowing what he was thinking.

Taking a deep breath, April pulled herself back to the present room of residents, continuing with the final portion of her lecture, "Even when you've done a procedure or an intake a thousands times, maybe especially when you are doing a procedure that is familiar, mistakes are so easy to make, and they can have catastrophic consequences. For that reason, knowing a checklist like the back of your hand, and utilizing it is essential to success in any of the trauma related specialties. If you flip to the back of your packets, you'll find the checklist we use in the ER here, and your job before your next trauma lab is to learn and memorize every single step on this list."

Mumbles and groans filled the room as the interns started to gather their possessions and return to their normal shifts. April could only smirk to herself, knowing just the sort of hands on lab that awaited them. She'd taken more than a few pages from her mentor Dr. Hunt's book, and expanded on it. The interns would need to know the checklist.

Watching as the last of the interns shuffled out of the room, April slipped her hand back into her pocket. She bit her lip, and considered reading the email. She didn't know why she was so hesitant. Getting nominated at all had stunned April, and she hadn't put much hope at all in the possibility of winning. For one thing, the award had never gone to a trauma surgeon before. For another, while April felt her work was important, she knew of at least a dozen other doctors across the country who were doing equally important work that might have longer lasting impacts on medicine. Saving a few people injured in a tornado, and potentially curing cancer were two very different things.

Her hesitation didn't come from knowing she wasn't selected.

However, April still couldn't bring herself to read the message. Bad news was only bad news if you checked your phone, April collected her things and made a b-line for her office. She had a few projects to update before she headed home. There was always enough work to manage to delay going home. The contents of her email from the Harper Avery Foundation could wait. Reaching her desk, April began to work, but with little progress. She just couldn't concentrate.

Everywhere April turned, she found a distraction. Pens she could organize. Files she could order. Family photographs she inexplicably wanted to move. Somehow the smiling faces of the farm and her family didn't inspire her to focus like it normally would. And none of her work offered her any distraction from the phone with the message that she was most definitely sure was burning a hole in her pocket.

Maybe her reluctance to open the letter wasn't about rejection at all. Perhaps it came from the fact that the message was, however obliquely, _from_ Jackson. She knew he was more involved in the Harper Avery foundation than ever in the past. And maybe she wanted to hope that the message wasn't some generic 'you have not been selected', but something more personal. Maybe April wanted it to be from Jackson.

_April felt like the wind had been knocked out of her. She stumbled away from Jackson's room, doing her best to choke back tears as she stumbled through the hospital corridors. She make her way aimlessly through the busy wards, knowing that breaking down like this during an ongoing emergency was grossly neglectful for her job. But April also knew that she could be absolutely no good to anyone if a trauma came in right now, even if she wanted to help._

_Not after tonight._

_Tonight it felt like she'd had to take on a storm within her own body as well as the one raging outside. Now, all she wanted to do was curl up and hide. __To stop feeling, even for a moment. _If she made herself small enough, surely she could disappear. 

_April rounded a corner, finding a quiet hallway. She backed up against the wall, sliding down to the floor and resting her head on her knees. And then the tears really came, hot and sputter inducing. She felt so stupid. What on earth had she even been thinking? April had just humiliated herself in front of one of the most important people in her life. She was such a fool._

All the times they'd run into each other since she'd moved back to Ohio were so brief. She knew it was wrong, but she always left those encounters wanting more.

But if she read the message, all her wishful thinking would disappear. April didn't even know if Jackson wanted to talk to her again. She didn't know if she could blame him.

April sighed, fingering the loose ring on her left hand. It had never quite fit properly, despite being refitted several times over the years. Probably God's way of going that extra mile to remind her that the life she had wasn't as perfect as it might appear. But, when you don't get picked, you had to carry on, right? Make the best of what you had? You had to pick yourself up and try to find a way to be happy. At least, as happy as you could be.

That's all she'd done really. Or tried to do, even if the plan was failing miserably. Surely, even God could forgive her for doing that.

_"You can't have everything you want." She repeated Jackson's words to herself over and over again, finding no solace in the fact that he did have a point. Especially after everything that had happened between them. __That had to be the lesson to be drawn from it all. Surely the universe wouldn't bring them together, and make April understand how she felt only for her to get her heart broken. __She didn't think life could be that unjust. _

_Getting over years of being afraid, and the months of uncertainty and confusion with Jackson, were all for not. Her fears were realized. April knew that as he friend, Jackson had feelings for her and cared about her. And maybe he didn't even regret being her first. But he didn't want her. He probably never did._

___Jackson didn't love April the way she loved him. As painful as it was to finally understand, she supposed the signs had been there all along. Jackson broke up with her, he moved on first, he even tried to help advise her on how to do things better with Matthew. The time they'd spend together meant something different to Jackson than it did to April._

_He cared about her, sure. They were close friends. But she was the one who'd pushed them beyond that. April was the one who kissed Jackson, and she was the one who'd hurt him, and she was the one who ruined what they had. Her mouth. Her crazy. Because of feelings she'd tried to bury since their first year at Mercy West. _

_Guys like him didn't want girls like her. _

_And it was bad, even though it had felt really really good, because April now understood that all those feelings that confused her. And it wasn't really about feeling guilty about having sex before she was married. Not 100%. Yes, she had felt intensely sinful for breaking her beliefs, but her confusion had come more from her continued willingness to bend those values for Jackson. She never understood why or how she'd ever let herself slip into that pattern. _

_The unstoppable car crash pattern. The dessert pattern. And even potentially still falling into the pattern, even after Jackson broke up with her. If not for timely Karev interruptions. She'd never been able to understand why these things kept happening. _

_It was only when April thought she was watching Jackson die, that she understood. The pull, a force as great and strong as gravity, had nothing to do with sin. April would have run into a burning bus to save him, and she had spared no second to pause and consider her own safety. Because it was Jackson and she loved him, and if there was a even the smallest chance that she could save him, April would have tried. _

_She understood now that her heart wanted Jackson because she'd fallen in love with him. April understood now that she'd never been in love with anyone before. __She hadn't been able to utter those words to Jackson directly, but it was probably for the best. She couldn't even quite process and verbalize in her own mind what her epiphany fully meant. How she felt was both clear and unclear. Knowing about her love didn't fix anything. _

_It only drove April to go to the room. To Jackson. And then her mouth had, as usual, spewed out perhaps far more than it should have. __So she told him that she wanted him. Because she knew all that was true. That truth shifted her entire being. But for all the revelation meant to April, it didn't matter._

_Because, as Jackson said, "You can't have everything you want." _

_And__ he'd said it with venom, which April knew was of her own making. She'd hurt him. She was complicated, and crazy and neurotic. Anything but fun. She was the problem. Always the problem. _

_April lifted her head at the sound of footsteps heading her direction. She sighed when she recognized the figure. As if things weren't already enough of a mess. _

April blinked, pulled back to the present as the phone in her pocket started to vibrate, this time with the urgency and frequency of a phone call, rather than an email. Carefully retrieving the phone from her pocket, April frowned when she saw Matthew's name on the caller ID. April swallowed, watching the screen light up. He had a habit of calling over inane though thoughtful reasons. What should we have for dinner? Do you need me to get your oil changed? What time do you think you'll get home?

Matthew was just trying to be a good husband. He was always, maddeningly, trying to be good. April didn't know why the calls irritated her. But they did. She pressed the ignore button and silenced the call.

_"Are you okay?" Matthew asked kindly._

_"No."_

_"We need to talk," Matthew said, with a deep frown._

_April stared tiredly out into the hallway. "I know we do."_

_Of course they needed to talk. Matthew had been there. He was the one who held her back from the burning bus. He was there when she'd unleashed her feelings on Jackson. __He'd seen too much. April suspected she wasn't the only person to have an epiphany that night._

_"It was him, wasn't it?" the paramedic inquired solemnly, walking to wall and sliding down to the floor by April's side. "Jackson? He's the one you..."_

_April almost laughed. It was like it pained Matthew to ask her. So she quickly gave him an answer, "Yes."_

_Matthew's jaw grew tight and he clenched his fists, looking like he was working hard to take slow and even breaths, "You work with him every single day, April." _

_"Yeah," April answered shakily, using one hand to wipe her eyes._

_"You really care about him."_

_ It was a statement not a question, but April still felt like she owed him some sort of answer. Because she was the problem for him too. It was her fault Matthew was involved with her mess. _

_"Yes." _

_"Maybe even love him," Matt continued, making April swallow uncomfortably. "Huh? You sure didn't freak out like that when I got hurt."_

_"I know," April said thickly. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." _

_She sniffed, and fidgeted with the ring she had still pinned to her scrub top for safe keeping. Matthew remained silent._

_"I can't marry you, Matthew." Again her mouth operated without much input from her brain, but for once April didn't cringe over it. As soon as she heard the words, she knew it was meant to be. This was the inevitable conclusion to this whole dreadful evening. How it had to be. _

_Matthew laughed humorlessly, "What? So your leaving me for him?" _

_"No. That's not happening..."_

_ That was true. Guys like Jackson didn't want girls like April. Guys like Matthew did. April just couldn't get on board. She unpinned the ring and pressed it into his hand. _

_"I...I'm sorry. I care about you a lot, but..."_

_He took the ring, letting it slide into the center of his palm. Matthew turned his head and regarded April carefully, "You just don't feel the same way about me as you feel about him." _

_"I don't feel the same way about you as you feel about me. And that's not fair," April corrected._

_"But I love you," Matthew said desperately. _

_"I don't...I don't..."_

_She didn't know if he did love her. Not the real her. Matthew didn't know her. He loved the idea of her. _

_A pained expression filled Matthew's features, and she felt terrible. Here was a guy who'd offered her everything. Everything. He wanted to spend the rest of his lift with her. Making her happy. But April didn't feel the same way._

The call vanished, and April was again left with the flashing email from the Harper Avery foundation. She really needed to buck up and let go of her wishful thinking. So, she would not be getting an award. Nor would she be hearing from Jackson. Big deal. She was strong. She could handle it. She always did.

Honestly, she'd survived far worse than this both professionally and personally. It was a huge boon to even be nominated. And as for Jackson...well, she'd push him out of her mind, as she'd already done for many years.

Taking a deep breath, she leaned forward and opened the email from the Harper Avery Foundation.

_"This..." Matthew said slowly, licking his lips. He looked like he wanted to cry. "This is probably the most honest you've ever been with me, right? About how you really feel?" _

_April hung her head guiltily. She hadn't meant for this to happen. "I'm sorry. I don't mean to hurt you. I don't mean to hurt anyone. Lately that strategy hasn't exactly worked out, but...I never wanted to hurt you. I just didn't know..."_

_The answer sounded lame to April's ears, but Matthew seemed to accept it with a simple nod. He sighed deeply and gingerly rose to his feet. Tucking her engagement ring into his coat pocket, he smiled at her sadly. _

_"I wish I knew you better, April," Matthew said as he turned to leave. "I wish you'd let me get to know you." _

April looked up from the phone slacked jawed. Life could surprise you. It really could. Just when you thought it was going one direction, the universe could suddenly jerk you into another.

Her brow furrowed and she glanced back down, eyes flicking back and forth as she read and reread the contents of her email from the Harper Avery Foundation. The sound of her phone ringing startled her, and this time April robotically answered without checking to see who it was.

"Hello?" Matthew's voice inquired when the line remained silent. "April, are you there?"

"Um...y-yes..." April found her voice. "Hi."

"Hey, just checking in." She could hear the smile in his voice, but the corners of her mouth remained firmly still. "So, I'm warming up this casserole you left for tonight, but I'm having trouble with the cook time...

He started to ramble on about temperatures and thaw times and April just couldn't take it all in.

"April?"

She must have missed a question somewhere. April opened her mouth and remembered the lines of email she had just read. It was impossible. Too good to be true.

"Yeah?"

The phone sounded muffled briefly, before Matthew asked, "Is everything, okay?"

"I-I...they picked me," April stammered. "They picked me."

It was unbelievable.

"They...meaning?" Matthew gasped. "Oh my goodness! Did you get it?"

For the first time since reading the email, April allowed herself to smile, "I did! I am getting a Harper Avery Award!"

Suddenly the whole thing seemed real. She placed the phone on speaker, and read the contents of the email to her husband, "Listen: On behalf of the Harper Avery Foundation we are pleased to inform you that you are a recipient of one of the 2023 National Awards. You are also cordially invited to receive this award in person at the annual Harper Avery Awards Gala in Boston..."

"That's-"

There was a hitch in Matthew's voice. April didn't need to ask him why. He knew that Jackson was one of _those _Avery's. The ones they'd likely see at any awards event. He always tried to be good, but April knew that he hated it when she and Jackson crossed paths. April couldn't really blame him. It was all her fault.

Matthew recovered quickly, "That's great. I knew you could to it."

She read through the rest of the message, neglecting to include the one personal addition that made her heart sing, small though it was. She left out the part at the end. The post script. From Jackson.

'Congratulations. Looking forward to seeing you. It's been too long. -Jackson'

Ten words. Probably added more out of courtesy than actual lingering affection. It wasn't even like what he'd said was all that personal. He'd probably have felt bad if he'd let her notification pass by without some sort of acknowledgement of their prior friendship. April knew she should not be as happy about that particular part of her message as she was, but she couldn't help it.

She missed Jackson.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: The response to this story has been awesome. It's a little different and non linear, and I wasn't sure how much interest there would be in it. So I really want to thank everyone for reading! We get a few more pieces to the puzzle this chapter. I hope you enjoy, and please feel free to let me know what you think. **

* * *

The Harper Avery Awards Gala was in full swing, as guests began filling the large banquet hall of the swanky downtown Boston Ritz Carlton. Though the event was usually a lavish affair, Jackson knew that his grandfather had pulled out all the stops for the party this year. This dinner was likely his last chance to impress the medical field.

A last hurrah.

Gripping the handles of Harper's wheelchair and surveying the guests, Jackson couldn't help but think that perhaps the extent of the decorations were a little overboard. They were supposed to be here to honor the very best and brightest surgeons of the past year. Each recipient of the Harper Avery Award would be receiving a plaque, guaranteed publication in the leading journals of their specialty, as well as a grant from the foundation to continue doing their work. They also had the chance to celebrate and receive their honor surrounded by their peers and the people who loved them.

That made sense to Jackson. He couldn't really understand where ice sculptures fit in.

He frowned as he scanned the crowd, recognizing a few familiar figures from his Grey Sloan group of co-workers. There were Meredith Grey and Derek Shepherd at a far table near the beverage line, chatting easily with Alex and Jo Karev. Gushing over their kids no doubt. Zola, and Bailey, and Jessica. Tuck, Sofia, and all the rest. Always talking children. Seems like that's all his peers did these days.

Not that Jackson could join in.

Miranda Bailey and Callie Torres was in an animated conversation with some surgeons from Alvarado Hospital in San Diego, which was one of the other hospital's whose boards Jackson sat on. Near the band, Jackson spied Teddy Altman mingling with Arizona Robbins and a number of other military surgeons. Now there's a face he hadn't seen in a long time. It wasn't the long absent face he wanted to find in the crowd, however.

It seemed that April had yet to arrive.

"Jackie," Harper wheezed, noting the arrival of an older looking couple as they made their way to a table. "That's Gregory Baker..."

"Who is Gregory Baker?"

The old man shifted and turned up to glare at Jackson, "If you hadn't decided to waste your time in Plastics, you'd know that Gregory Baker's father Cryrus pioneered the small form pace maker back in the eighties."

Jackson rolled his eyes, but held his tongue.

Harper tapped the side of his wheelchair, "Take me to talk to him. As far as I know, he's still in the business. His father died a few years back. Now that man was a great surgeon. Always striving to expand the frontiers of the possible..."

Jackson tried to stop the groan from emanating in his throat, because he knew it was wrong to resent pushing his grandfather around. Harper was old, and certainly had fewer days ahead of him than behind. But it did feel like a bit of an imposition to be left carting the old man everywhere this particular evening, when Jackson had plenty of old friends of his own he wanted to connect with.

One old friend in particular.

He'd always hated these sorts of events. Where everyone there knew exactly who he was, and what accomplishments his grandfather, mother, and even his father had achieved in the field of medicine. Mingling was difficult. He always found it hard to be himself, because he never knew if the people at parties like this or anywhere even wanted to talk to Jackson himself.

It was a huge part of the reason Jackson had always kept his identity a closely guarded secret when he was younger.

_"Hey baby," Catherine practically purred, reaching out a gentle hand to pat his cheek._

_"What are you doing here?" __Jackson demanded in shock as he stood in the lobby of Mercy West, balancing a stack of intern scut charts. Beside him April Kepner struggled with her own stack, watching him with wide eyes._

_"Is...is that Dr. Catherine Avery? As in...the first female president of the National Association of Urologists, Dr. Catherine Avery? As in Harper Avery's daughter in law, Dr. Catherine Avery?" April stammered._

_He set his jaw as his mother grinned, "Yes, dear. That's me."_

_"Whoa."_

_Great. It was clear that April was star struck because she was suddenly silent. Jackson hadn't known her for very long, but quiet Kepner was an unusual circumstance. __This was definitely not supposed to be happening. He'd chosen to do his residency on a whole other side of the county, at what his grandfather considered one of the nation's most mediocre of surgical programs for the express and specific purpose of avoiding situations like this. He'd come to Mercy West to hide._

_Jackson glared, but remained silent, waiting for his mother to finish basking and answer his question._

_"That's no way to greet your mother."_

_Damn it. Damn it. Damn it._

_They were meant to be doing rounds but the arrival of Catherine Avery proved to be distraction enough. But, Jackson figured, only April had seen. Out of __all of his intern group, the mousy woman next to him would probably be easiest to coerce into silence. Having only started residency a month earlier, Jackson still didn't know all of his year very well. But he thought April Kepner was easy enough to read. Goody-two shoes. Know it all. Midwestern manners. Huge desire to impress. He could probably use that to his advantage in terms of damage control._

_"What are you doing here?" he repeated, making his mother sigh._

_"I have a meeting with Chief Watkins, honey. Maybe I can make sure you have a chance to shine. Among other things..."_

_"Why?" Jackson almost growled. He hated sounding like a whiner, but he also hated being taken off guard. Surprises in his life we never fun. "You can't just come here and bother me. This isn't Boston. And if you are even thinking about trying to convince the Chief to-"_

_"Oh, I wish you wouldn't be so touchy, Jackson. I'm only teasing you. Remember, nepotism is for the weak."_

_Jackson rolled his eyes._

_B__latant favoritism was always avoided by the Avery's, but Jackson knew first hand that they were not above 'back room' deals. Hadn't his grandfather gotten him a place residency program at Mass Gen, never mind the fact that it was a hospital to which Jackson had sent no applications? Avery's weren't above throwing their weight around to try to get what they wanted._

_Catherine glanced around the lobby, her gaze lingering curiously on the woman standing next to her son, before she continued. "Now, I don't want to keep you two babies from your work. Have a good day, Jackson. We can catch up later."_

_He scowled as his mother kissed his cheek and glided away from Jackson and April. He awkwardly looked down at his chart, wishing more than anything to just disappear. __April's eyes darted from side to side, and she started walking, continuing the rounds that their encounter with his mother had interrupted._

_"Yeah...so...that's my mom," Jackson said quietly, as he matched her pace, unable to look her in the eye._

_"I got that. She's amazing! I've read a bunch of stuff she's-" _

_He didn't want to be rude or intimidating to April but word of this could most certainly not get out to the rest of the Mercy West intern group. He'd never live it down._

_Stepping in front of the petite surgeon, and preventing her from continuing down the hall, Jackson cut her off, "Listen, I don't want to put you in an awkward position, but I kind of need you not to act like you know who I really am an Avery."_

_"O-Oh..."_

_He stepped closer to her, "I swear, I got into this program fair and square-"_

_"I never said-"_

_"I'm not tying to get an unfair advantage or special treatment," Jackson pressed on determined to make April understand. _

_"I didn't think you were-" _

_They were practically standing eye to eye, nearly touching and it was clear that April was getting flustered. Jackson knew he was having an effect on her. He usually avoided using his looks to get what he wanted, but these were desperate times._

_Jackson used the opportunity to drive the point home, and barter April's silence. He smiled and blinked slowly, __"People will think I called in special favors every time I earn OR time, so I need you to please just...keep this quiet, alright? I'll-I promise to trade you my next day off, and to take your spot for the next night shift." _

_"That's really not necessary," April held up her hand, swallowing hard and taking a small step back from Jackson. "I don't need you to switch shifts with me or...Just don't worry. I won't say anything."_

Carefully guiding the chair through well dressed guests, Jackson took his grandfather to the people he wanted to chat with. He stood back with a polite smile plastered to his face as his grandfather made small talk. He tried not to react to the subtle digs his grandfather managed to get in about his specialty, and lack of over all prominence in the medical community. Because it was kind of the truth. Jackson wasn't as famous or known a plastic surgeon as Mark Sloan had been.

Sure, he was a big deal in terms of being a hospital administrator.

But that wasn't exactly a position he obtained because of skill. He was a board member because he was an Avery. And no matter how good a leader he became, people would always see him as an Avery.

Most people anyway.

_ "I get it. I do."_

_He was puzzled, "You do?"_

_"Well," she fumbled, seemingly pausing to think before launching into a ramble.__"Uhhh...I mean-I don't...no one in my family is famous or anything...and, but-__I have 3 three sisters. And I grew up in Moline and like 12 people live there, okay more than 12, but it's pretty small. I had three sisters and we all went to the same school. Everyone knows you're a Kepner, and then compares you to the rest and it's...Family's important, but I know how wonderful it feels when you strike out on your own, and people aren't assuming they know everything about you..."_

_Jackson held his hands behind his back, watching her intently as she faltered. April's response to finding out his legacy was a complete 180 from the reactions of his friends in the past. At Harvard, the other medical students had all clamored for him to introduce them to his family and get them on the fact track to mentorship and networking and all that crap. In a matter of days, he'd been stuck worrying whether or not his friends actually wanted to hang out with Jackson for himself, or of they just wanted to be friends with Harper Avery's grandson._

_ He'd learned not to trust any of them._

_Up until this point, Jackson had largely dismissed April. She was smart, small, and a little annoying. A blip on his radar among his intern cohort. Potential competition, but without much bite. But now Jackson had to change his tune. Maybe he could trust her. A little bit anyway. Because she kind of understood this._

_"What I mean is..." April continued. "I do get it. You don't want to be judged. S-so, if you're not ready for people to know, I won't say anything. This can stay between me and you. I promise." _

___A __slow smile spread on Jackson's face, "_Thanks."

Trust was never easy for Jackson. Even with April. But at the end of the day, as far as he knew, she'd never told anyone at Mercy West or Seattle Grace that she knew about his family legacy.

"Avery!" Cristina Yang waved from the other side of the room as she caught sight of Jackson and his grandfather, and headed their way.

"Oh Christ..." Harper murmured, making Jackson smile.

Cristina's fangirl attitude toward his father had faded somewhat over the years, but Jackson knew that it still got on the old man's nerves. Much to his coworker's dismay, their very first meeting set the lasting tone for Cristina's relationship with Harper Avery. Grinning deviously, he maneuvered the man's chair to meet up with the cardio surgeon. If he had to suffer through his grandfather, he may as well have the old man suffer a bit too.

"Jackie, what are you-"

"Hey Yang," Jackson said brightly, cutting of his grandfather and coming to a stop in front of Cristina. "Glad you could make it. So is Grandpa."

The man winced and smiled politely, "Quite."

Jackson zoned out for a bit as Cristina and his grandfather started talking. Despite the prickly nature of Harper's opinion of Cristina, conversation flowed. They seemed to both agree that this years crop of Harper Avery Award recipients was more diverse than ever, and neither of them were exactly pleased about it. Harper and Cristina would always be cardio junkies first. He just listened, silently anxious, scanning the room for the one face he wanted to see more than anyone else's.

April still wasn't there. Jackson felt an irrational panic rising in his chest. What if she didn't show up? He knew she'd sent in her RSVP and taken advantage of one of the block of rooms the Foundation had booked in the the hotel. Rationally, he knew she was in Boston. She was probably just running late. April would not miss a ceremony for her own award. She was here. Somewhere. Just not _here. _

And then suddenly, she was.

Jackson's gaze was drawn to her immediately as she appeared in the doorway to the banquet hall. He saw her first, and he took the moment to admire how familiar she still seemed to be. April had her hair up, and styled in the same classic way she'd always used for formal events when they were younger. She was dressed in an elegant green dress. Jackson always liked when she wore green.

She looked uneasy. Frazzled even. More serious than he might have assumed, considering she was here to be honored with a prestigious award. Jackson hoped it wasn't because of him. He didn't want to spoil this moment for her in anyway.

Winning the Harper Avery Award would be a big moment for any surgeon, but to the April Jackson knew a resident? The moment would be earth shattering.

He knew he would be happy to see April, but he'd underestimated the full impact it would have on him. He felt suddenly eager, excited even. He wanted nothing more than to speak with April, even if he really didn't know what on earth he would say.

Knowing what to say had never been easy.

_Things definitely had not returned to the status quo by the time Jackson returned to work after the storm. He'd given April space because, well frankly he thought she'd need it after the last conversation they'd had. Hell, he needed space after the last conversation they'd had. But to his dismay, days later, things didn't seem to have cooled off at all._

_April was actively avoiding him, more than she had even right after they'd broken up and the in glimpses he'd gotten, she appeared drawn and pale._

_ I__t almost made Jackson wonder if he'd made a bad call. But he couldn't go there. And besides, it was hardly the first time he'd told her something she didn't want to hear. Jackson had seen her freak out before. Soon, it would blow over, and April would get all excited and caught up with her wedding planning and they'd be back to being friends. _

_He needed them to be friends again. _

_But then, Jackson had learned a piece of information from Meredith that didn't seem to fit in with the picture he'd painted in his head about how things were supposed to go. Added together with Hunt's presentation that morning about fellowships offers, he was feeling uneasy. Because Hunt wrote 'Kepner' on the board along with everyone else taking their boards that year. Apparently she'd had two of her offers, Mt. Sinai and Case Western Reserve, reissued pending a successful board exam this year. April could complete her fellowships elsewhere if she wanted. _

_Jackson had no idea she'd even reapplied. Why would she? She had a good job in Seattle. Hunt had allowed her to begin her fellowship, even though she wasn't board certified. All her friends were here. Matthew was here. _

_He was here. _

_So Jackson sought April out. __He found her on her break hauled up in the attendings lounge, surrounded by a familiar looking set of flashcards. They were the only two people in the room, but she didn't immediately acknowledge his presence. She scooted as far away from him as possible when he joined her on the couch. Jackson watched sadly as April stiffened and swallowed hard. He didn't know what to say._

_"You broke up with Matthew?" _

_The breakup was almost as shocking to find out about as the fact that she'd applied to other hospitals. Jackson had not planned to open with that, much less to speak so sharply. He just had so many questions. Especially because when she'd told him, Meredith had had no idea why April had dumped the paramedic. _

_It just didn't make sense. Jackson had made his decision the night of the storm, in order to give April a chance at happily ever after. He didn't want to be responsible for her losing her future. _

_April looked up at him, with a pained expression, "That's really none of your business."_

_ "Considering he proposed to you in front of the whole hospital and we all had to watch, I'd say it's everyone's business." He said jokingly, trying to lighten the mood, but he did still feel a sting when he remembered watching her that day. Saying yes to Matthew right before his eyes. _

_April huffed, "I'm trying to study for boards. It'd be really great if I could pass them this year."_

_The undertone of accusation in her voice made Jackson stiffen. Like April blamed him for failing. For everything. He hated that. Jackson had sworn to himself he wasn't going to do this guilt blame crap anymore. Jackson had put his foot down on this issue already. Put a stop to things between them, and then called her out after Matthew broke up with her before the engagement. He'd put his foot down. _

_Or so he thought._

Jackson never knew what to say.

It didn't even matter all that much that she was standing next to Matthew and his tie was neatly coordinated to her dress in a matching hue. April's doing, no doubt. Dude probably was too much of a goofball to figure out suits on his own, Jackson thought bitterly. He knew he'd played some role in their being married at all, and that he'd missed no less than two opportunities to prevent it and probably more. On paper, Jackson really had been the one to call off his own relationship with April, even if he believed in his reasons at the time.

But, though he knew all of these things, the sight of April and Matthew, so obviously _together_ still made Jackson feel a little sick.

Especially since Jackson knew that April and Matthew could join in the kind of small talk his friends shared about kids. Twice over. _That_ wasn't something he liked to think about at all.

Jackson wasn't too proud to admit that it still hurt him to know that April was married to the tall man. It hurt to know that at this point she'd now been married to Matthew Taylor for more years than she'd been friends or anything more with Jackson.

Then again, lot's of meaningless things had lasted longer than him and April.

His fling with Stephanie, if it could be called that, lasted months longer than whatever it was he and April had. What did that say? It seemed wrong, given the size of the impact both women had had on Jackson's personal universe. Stephanie had barely been a blip on the radar, yet he'd let that drag on for months. Looking back, Jackson now knew that April was like an asteroid that collided with his life, altering everything completely.

He only wished he'd realized sooner.

_"I'm sure spending a few minutes talking to me isn't going to make or break you passing," Jackson replied sarcastically._

_April only leaned farther away from him on the couch returning her gaze to the flashcards in her lap._

_Jackson sighed. He thought that things would improve between them. At some point, it had to get better right? The friendship would come back. When she was ready. When he was ready. Before the storm, he'd actually thought they were starting to get there. Granted, that night had been a little crazy._

_ Then it hit him. A possible reason why it felt like the blame game was on again. Matthew. He'd been there. For part of it at least. When April freaked out on Jackson. It probably made the guy jealous or something._

_"April," he pressed, willing her to look him in the eye. "Look, if Matthew thi__nks something is going on between us...I can talk to him if you need me to. It was a crazy night, everyone's nerves were frayed. What he saw? I'll explain it was just..."_

_If Jackson could just make this one thing right. Fix what ever part he'd played between April and Matthew, and then, finally he could get his friend back. Without all the complication and confusion._

_"I broke up with him, after you made it oh, so abundantly clear that there isn't gonna be anything going on between us, so I were you, I wouldn't worry," April muttered._

_"I am sorry, I just want to fix this for you April, because I know that you and Matthew-"_

_"I broke up with him." She emphasized the pronouns._

_It was all so hard to understand. Jackson knew April wanted that life. The wedding, butterflies, mints. And Matthew was just what she really wanted. He was a virgin (so Cristina teased), he shared April's values...and he seemed to know all the right things to say to April. Unlike Jackson.__ He didn't want her to throw that all away._

_Running a hand down the back of his head, Jackson tried to explain himself, __"__You shouldn't miss out because of me."_

_That got a reaction. Flushing in anger, April's nostrils flared, and she finally turned to look at him again. Glare actually. So intense a glare, actually that Jackson couldn't hold her gaze._

_"My choices are not always about you."_

_"I never said that they-"_

_"It's not all about you, Jackson. Just leave me alone."_

"Uh, Cristina," Jackson said carefully, not taking his eyes off of April. He turned the handles of Harper's chair in her direction, much to his grandfather's alarm. "Do you mind helping me with my grandfather for just a second?"

Alarmed, Harper said, "Jackie!"

His friend, glanced over her shoulder, spotted April and gave him a knowing look. Out of all of Jackson's long term friends and co-workers, Jackson supposed that she knew best how Jackson felt. Cristina, like Jackson, remained single following her divorce from Owen Hunt and couldn't really participate in the conversations their associates shared about kids either. The difference, of course, was that she didn't want to. Jackson sort of did.

But the one thing he and Yang could bond over this past decade, even more than surgery, was regret.

"Sure thing, 'Jackie'," she said placidly, grabbing the wheel chair handles and pushing the old surgeon in the opposite direction, despite his protests.

Thank God for Cristina Yang.

Jackson immediately approached his old friend, noting that his mother had somehow already beat him to greet April. He slowed his pace as he got closer and had a better look at the scene before him, now fully visible and not obscured by the crowd. And what he saw made his stomach drop.

Matthew and April were not alone. They'd brought their kids.

Jesus.

There they were, right next to their parents. A boy and a girl, too short to be seen from a distance. Like their parents, the children were dressed to the nines, and looking around the room around them with eager faces. Picture perfect family. While Jackson had thought he was prepared to see April in the presence of her husband, he realized he'd been utterly unprepared to actually _see_ her with her children.

While Jackson understood on an intellectual level that April actually had children with Matthew, seeing them in person was something else entirely. He'd overheard enough, and watched from a distance enough to know that 7 year old Jake, and 5 year old Lindsey Taylor existed. He'd seen April pregnant at Karev and Wilson's wedding, nearly 8 years previous.

But it wasn't something Jackson could really process all the way. He might have been April's first, but the fact that there were kids was a painful reminder that he'd passed up the chance to be her _only_. Which was a little gross and chauvinistic and came from a part of Jackson that he knew was both old fashioned and hypocritical, given how many women he'd slept with in his lifetime. And yet, knowing April had been with another man, even her own husband, made him want to shut down.

It hit a little too close to home. Too close to the life he could have had. The life _they_ could have had, if a certain test had come out differently. Jackson knew he would by lying if he said he'd never thought about it. How his life would be if April really had been pregnant. That child would be 10 years old if they had been born. Just a little older than Bailey Shepherd.

Jackson had to wonder about all the ways his life would be different, if the blood test he'd given April so long ago had been positive instead of negative. He figured his life would be easier. In that moment, he'd really been all in, so much so in fact, that April's reaction to finding out she wasn't pregnant had crushed him, even if in hindsight he could see that it was a mistake. Her response was callous in the way typical of April when she was incredibly stressed, but she'd never said she didn't want to be with him. She'd just been a little too relieved.

Jackson knew he'd bailed.

And seeing April with her real, living, breathing children? Seeing Jake with his brown bowl cut and familiar dimples? Or Lindsey, who positively buzzed with the kind of enthusiasm he'd missed all these years? Seeing these children who were not the 'awesome kid' he'd dreamed of for a few hours a decade ago? It knocked the wind out of his sails, and was almost enough to make him retreat.

Unfortunately, Catherine spotted him, and beckoned him over, "Jackson, baby. There you are. Look who's here!"

Swallowing uncomfortably Jackson joined the group with an awkward wave, "Uh, hi..."

Cue the internal sarcastic slow clap. Great first line. He'd built this particular reunion up as significant in his head, and yet, when the moment of truth was upon him, he felt like he was falling flat. More proof in the pudding. Jackson just never knew what to say. But at least his greeting seemed to ease some of the tension etched on April's face.

"Hello, Jackson," she greeted him breathlessly. "It's great to see you."

The smile April gave was more subdued than the smiles he remembered, but Jackson was happy to see it again and he couldn't help but mirror the expression.

"You too."

Matthew's gaze flicked between his wife and her old friend, and he extended his hand to Jackson, "It's been a long time, eh Avery?"

"It has..." Jackson shook the taller man's hand awkwardly.

His mother rolled her eyes, "Far too long."

"Guys," Matthew continued looking down at the children. "Jake, Lindsey? Can you both say hi, to Mommy's friend Jackson and his mom?"

"Hi!" the girl parroted dutifully, stepping right in front of Jackson and looking straight up. "You have cool eyes."

He couldn't help but laugh, despite his inner turmoil. "Thank you. You have cool eyes too."

Jake was more shy, keeping his hands clasped behind his back as he greeted Jackson, "Hello."

"Congratulations," Jackson offered, turning to April as the conversation stalled. "From what we've seen of your work these past few years, this award is well deserved."

Catherine nodded enthusiastically in agreement as April flushed and ducked her head.

"We like to think so, right?" Matthew beamed, seeming to stand up a bit taller.

"Right!" Lindsey said happily, following her father's lead, as she fluttered excitedly around the adults feet. "Mommy fixes people's owies when they get hurt! She even goes to torn-adoes!"

"Oh my!" his mother exclaimed, playing up how impressed she was, considering that she knew in great detail what particular accomplishments April had been nominated for. "A real tornado?"

Lindsey nodded earnestly, "Lots of them!"

"I only ever actually got caught in one," April interjected. " And that was before you were even born. Mommy just goes afterwards to help people who got hurt."

The little girl ignored her mother, focusing entirely on Catherine with an intensity that Jackson half admired. Lindsey really wanted to drive home the point. Her parents and brother all rolled their eyes fondly, indicating this was a typical behavior.

"Tornn-adoes!" She held out both her arms out wide. "This big!"

He watched as Catherine leaned forward and gently patted the little girls cheek. "You'll have to tell us _all _about it over dinner baby girl."

"Okay!"

It just stabbed him in the heart. Jackson felt a doubly heavy sense of regret watching his mother interact with April's daughter. She wasn't exactly subtle with him over the years about her desire for grandchildren. And if a certain test had been different years ago, Catherine would be a grandmother. If not for certain decisions he'd made over the years, she _could_ be a grandmother. And a damned good one at that.

But she wasn't.

The conversation sort of died and they stood there for a few seconds in silence. Jackson winced and tried not to feel discouraged. April was chewing her bottom lip, and it was obvious to him that she was watching him closely while trying to appear not to. He didn't really know what he'd had in mind for this meeting, but this was definitely not it.

For once he was thankful for his mother.

"Why don't we show you all to the table?" Catherine said brightly, leading the way for the group. "I put you guys right next to us, right up front..."

As they carefully navigated through the growing crowd, Jackson heard Lindsey's voice pipe up again while April guided her by the shoulders, "Look Mommy! Those horsies are made of ice!"

He smiled. Freaking ice sculptures. At least someone liked them.

* * *

Letting out a long sigh, April fidgeted with the fabric of her dress, ignoring the plate of food in front of her. She knew she ought to be in a better mood. Hell, she should be in the greatest of all moods. After all she was receiving the highest possible recognition for her work. Considering that in residency she'd been fired, not once, but twice, winning a Harper Avery was the last thing she thought she'd ever be able to achieve. Old friends, who'd long ago teased her, now offered April their congratulations. They even seemed impressed. Like she'd earned their respect.

Of all the things she should be feeling, April knew damn well that she should be not feeling irritated. But she was irritated.

At Matthew.

She watched as he sat, two seats down from her, chatting easily with Catherine Avery to his left, while at the same time monitoring Lindsey's eating. As April had predicted, her daughter was hyperactive, having been forced to wait through a series of speeches delivered by various surgeons before the food had been brought out. She'd just known that this was a bad idea.

Bitterly, she thought that maybe Matthew was the king of bad ideas.

_"Marry me?" _

_He was doing it again, and at least, thank God, there was no singing this time and it wasn't in public. Still in a hospital though. _

_April pinched the bridge of her nose and shook her head. She knew it had been a mistake to let him back into her life, even just as a friend. Even if she hadn't had that much of a choice in letting him back in, courtesy of a tornado, a nasty head injury and her meddling sisters. It was cruel on him and cruel on her, because even though April had never intended to string him along, helping her recover and meeting her family must have given him hope._

_"Matthew, I can't do this-I can't..."_

_"I've been praying about this, April," he continued, nonplussed by her lack of enthusiasm. __"I've been praying about this a lot. It doesn't have to be perfect_."

_"I-" _

_"There is more to life than being perfect, and I am sure there are more things you want in your life than your job, April. I know you want to be married; I know you want kids...I know you don't want to be alone. I want those same things too. I love you and-"_

_April let out an exasperated sigh and rubbed her aching temple through the bandages on her head. He just didn't get it. _

_"Matthew, I know you love me. The point is that I-I do care, but I just don't..." she shrugged her shoulders. _

_April didn't love him like that. She didn't. __She might have, once upon a time. If Matthew had walked into her life about a year before they really crossed paths. Before Jackson. But maybe that wouldn't have even been real. Because she never knew or understood love before Jackson. She'd never been in love before him. It had taken her a long time to understand, but now that she knew what it was. And it wasn't the same. Matthew was just not Jackson. _

_"I know that," Matthew said firmly. "I love you more than you love me. And...that's okay, because...well, I've got enough love for the both of us, and I don't mind being second best.' _

_It was like talking to a brick wall. He just didn't get it. _

_ April felt the unwelcome thud of another headache flaring up. She shook her head, "You shouldn't be my second best, Matthew. There's someone out there who you're the one. You should be tying to find her." _

_"And what if there's not? What if I don't want to?"_

_"You should, Matthew. You shouldn't be pining over what you can't have when you can go out and try and find what you want." _

_"I can say the same thing to you," he tilted his head and regarded April quizzically. "__You told Jackson how you felt, didn't you? And you're not together."_

___She couldn't really argue with that. _

___"He visited you, and you're still not together."_

_April swallowed and laid gingerly back against her bed pillows. That was true. Jackson had come out to see her, but he'd barely stayed long enough for her to wake up. They'd had one more pointless and rather circular conversation about the nature of their feelings for each when she was still pretty out of it. She'd hoped, vainly as it turned out, that her own little brush with death would be as clarifying for him as his near death had been for her. And Jackson had seemed pretty shaken up. But then she'd fallen asleep and when she woke up, he wasn't there. For some reason, he'd left her. _

_Matthew knew he'd hit a nerve, "The way I see it, in life, you just can't have everything you want."_

_There was that phrase again. You can't have everything you want. Yet another man in her life pointing out the painful truth. April swallowed again and lifted her gaze to his. _

_"So you and Jackson aren't going to build a life together, right? Does that mean you give up on having a life at all? Wait on him to change his mind forever? Where is he April? I don't think he's putting what he wants from life on hold. Neither am I. Neither should you. At some point you just have to pick which of your wants matter the most, which ones you can live with, and which ones you can live without."_

_"Matthew..." April sighed. _

_"For me that's loving God, loving a family, loving you and...I can go without having you love me back. I don't need true love exactly...I just...need you. We both can't have everything we want, so why can't we give each other some of what we want? I promise, we can do this, I can be a good husband, and we can be happy. It wouldn't be perfect, but at least we could have some of the things we want..."_

Matthew was the king of bad ideas. Then again, she always seemed to go along with them.

While April had agreed with Matthew that this was an awesome opportunity for them to bring the kids on the trip with them, to see Boston, she'd been dismayed when she found out that he'd failed to make the proper arrangements with the hotel's childcare facility for the evening of the banquet. She had well founded doubts about whether or not Jake and Lindsey would even be able to make it through the night and it wasn't like it was kid friendly, the Harper Avery Awards Gala, and it would certainly last beyond their bedtimes.

_"What time do we have to take them down to the play center?" April called from the hotel bathroom, as she fastened the clasp of her necklace._

_The sounds of giggling and squeaky bed springs persisted, and no answer reached her ears. _

_Scowling slightly, and leaning back to poke her head around the bathroom corner, April watched as her still unready husband launched her giggling son on to one of the room's large king bed. Jake flopped on his back, bouncing dramatically as Lindsey held her arms out to her father for her own turn. The sight was heartwarming in a sense, but also a little aggravating. _

_Matthew looked up and grinned at her, "What's that?" _

_"I said, what time do we need to take them down? We're already close to being late..." _

_"Uh..." He looked sheepish and April's heart sank. "About that...I, um...I never really registered them to go..." _

_"What?"_

_"I think we should take them with. To the banquet" _

_Jake nodded, "Yeah Mom! I wanna go!"_

_"This is a grown up party, Jakey..." April explained trying to remain calm. _

_"So?" Lindsey asked. "I'm a big girl!" _

_She tried not to roll her eyes, when her husband lifted the girl to his hip as he said, "Yes, you are." _

_They simply did not have the time for this. April could have sworn Matthew had done this just to make her nervous. Just to piss her off. _

_"Look," Matthew said quietly. "Just hear me out. I think this will be good for them..."_

April didn't fully agree with her husband's assertion that having the children present when she received the Harper Avery Award would actually make all that much of a difference. They were still too little to understand what it was and what they could understand was based on what April and Matthew had told them. And that was pretty simple.

Mommy was getting an award because she did a good job. Just like any award either child might get if they behaved well in school. They didn't know, nor should they be expected to understand anything more. They didn't know about the cut throat and competitive world of national surgical politics. They didn't know that there were more than a few miffed cardio surgeons in the room, appalled by the fact that a mere trauma surgeon was being honored.

They didn't know a thing about April's past history with the Avery family itself. One in particular.

What Jake and Lindsey learned didn't require them to be physically present at the banquet. Not that April didn't love being around her children. She did. Children were the only people you could really give your heart to, without fear of being rejected. She'd given her whole heart to her two children, and they never told her she couldn't have their love back. And so far they were doing so well at the 'grown up' party, sandwiched between their parents, even if they had clapped and cheered a little too loudly for her award. Other than that they'd behaved wonderfully. April could practically burst with pride over that, more so than pride for any award she'd received.

Jake and Lindsey were not the reason she felt the way she did.

The reason she was irritated, the reason she was irritated with Matthew, was because she understood from the start what the real reason he'd insisted on their attendance to the gala.

He was showing off. He was showing _them _off. Matthew was just as aware of the fact that Jackson was at this banquet as April was. He'd been acting weird lately. She was certain that he'd insisted on bringing the children in order to rub them into the other man's face.

And it made her angry. It made her furious.

Jake and Lindsey were not trophies to be jeered over or trotted out to make someone else feel bad. Nor were they weapons to be yielded to hide someone else's wounds. They were people. Her little people. Matthew's too, so it pissed her off that he would even presume to use them in any way.

"So, I read that article you wrote about field surgery at flood sites," Jackson said curiously, again trying to draw April out into conversation. "Fascinating stuff. You know, Seattle's actually got flooding issues too..."

Her mood was also out of wack because it felt like every single nerve in her body was tinglingly aware of the fact that Jackson Avery was sitting right next to her. So close, in fact, that their elbows had touched when she was cutting her steak. It was the first time she'd touched him in years, and it was electrifying. And then the guilt April felt was two fold. She was married; she wasn't supposed to be relishing even the smallest touches from someone who was not her husband, even if it was from a man she loved. Because, after all, Jackson didn't love her back. She felt guilty too for using him as a thrill.

Still, he was there, right next to her and he still gave her all kinds of feelings, and thoughts and _memories _that she knew she shouldn't indulge in but she really couldn't ignore-

"April?"

"Um..." April blinked and plastered on a smile. "Yes! Yes, it's...well you know drowning victims have a much lower rate of survival in terms of making it to the hospital at all...so being able to expand the kinds of procedures we can do on them in the field is essential."

Jackson nodded, smiling at her as he scooped another bite of food into his mouth.

On her other side, she felt Jake poking her arm, "Mom?"

"Yes?"

He smiled sweetly and pointed to her unfinished dinner, "Are you gonna eat your a'paragus?"

"No," April chuckled, scooping the veggies on to his plate.

Jackson made a face, "You really like those Jake?"

"They are my favorites," Jake said nodding earnestly.

"Well, if you like them that much," Jackson added, adding his own portion of the green vegetable to the boy's plate. "Take mine. I've never really liked vegetables."

"Really? You're a doctor, you should know they are good for you..."

April chuckled. Much like his father, he had this way of looking so open and honest. Sometimes to a fault. She was surprised at how well Jackson was getting along with her children. She'd seen his expression falter slightly upon meeting them. But somehow, he seemed to be happy enough to chat with them. Even more than that, for the first time in years, Jackson and April were able to talk without all the anger and the awkwardness that had plagued them for years. It was almost like old times.

Almost.

_Her locker door slammed shut before her eyes, and April turned around to see an angry looking Jackson standing right behind her. She sighed._

_Lately, he always seemed to be angry. _

_"When were you going to tell me?" Jackson snapped. "That you're leaving?"_

_April shrugged, placing the remaining contents of her locker into a canvas bag. She didn't really know why she hadn't told him that she was accepting an offer from Case Western Reserve. It was just easier not to be around him, when her heart so desperately wanted things to be different. Seeing him even in passing at the hospital was like getting scalded over and over by boiling water. _

_Especially when he was still openly carrying on with Stephanie Edwards. She just couldn't understand. On the one hand, April could almost tell that he was holding something back. From her. Maybe about her. And yet, that was probably nothing more than wishful thinking. Because Jackson never said he felt the same way she did. He didn't want her. _

_So, April avoided him. Out of sight, out of mind. _

_Jackson held his hands out in exasperation, "Were you ever going to tell me? Of did you just think you'd just disappear?'_

_"No, Jackson, I just..."_

_She needed to start over. She needed to get away. From here. From Matthew. From Jackson. April just wanted to leave her mistakes behind. She wanted to start somewhere knew with a clean slate. And no pain. _

_"I thought we were friends!" His expression softened. "I miss my friend."_

_ Again, he was talking about friendship. Always that. It seemed as though every time things fell apart between them, every time Jackson crushed April's heart, he would come back to her and talk of friendship. Like they could go back. Change her feelings. _

_She couldn't. _

_"Jackson, I don't think we can really call this a friendship anymore...I know, for me, I can't handle-" _

_"Fine!" Jackson crossed his arms. "Go back to Ohio. Leave me here. Just like before."_

_April hung her head. She felt a little bad about going home when she was fired, but she couldn't have known that Mark Sloan would die after she left. And it wasn't like Jackson had made much of an effort to talk to her before, even though she'd stayed beyond her contract to help with the plane crash victims. And now, she couldn't handle being around. _

_What did Jackson want? He wanted her to stay in full knowledge that she couldn't have him? April couldn't do that. _

_"Maybe I can't have everything I want, Jackson, but I can protect myself." _

_His face filled with confusion and April continued, pointing between them, "It hurts. This hurts and I don't think I can carry on here hurting so-we can't go back. All there is is forward, and you don't want to do that together so...I can't be here hurting."_

"Everything alright?" Jackson seemed to sense that April was lost in thought.

She shook herself slightly and smiled, "Yes. Yes, of course."

April hoped her words didn't sound as hollow to him as they did to her. Because, while her career was at an all time high, she couldn't exactly say that everything in her life was alright. Sometimes it felt like she was more often irritated than happy. Looking across the table toward Matthew, April sighed. Which certainly wasn't missed by Jackson.

"Well, I was just thinking," Jackson he said cautiously. "It's...um...it's really nice to see you again, and...I wonder...how long you guys were planning to stay in Boston? I am here another few days and these are my old stomping grounds, so it might be nice to show you around or something. I grew up here and I know a few fun places for kids."

She opened her mouth but the words didn't come. Was it bad that April half wished that Matthew and the kids were not included in his offer? Was it bad that she wanted time with him all to herself? April knew he was probably just being polite, but even so. Even just talking to him, after all these years felt like a wonderful luxury.

April took a deep breath and reached for her fork, not realizing that Jackson's hand was on the table as well. Their fingers brushed, and April felt suddenly flustered, "Uh...well...um..."

Seeming to sense her inner uncertainty, Jackson immediately backtracked.

"But, you don't have to. It's fine if you and...Matthew have plans already. I just, miss you, is all." He swallowed, and looked at his hands, adding softly so that no one else could hear, "A lot."

Jackson missed her? He really seemed to be sincere. She watched across the table as Lindsey yawned and Matthew lifted the girl into his lap. He caught her eye, smiling proudly, and April realized he was still in some odd way trying to show off to Jackson as he continued his conversation with Catherine. April pursed her lips. She knew she shouldn't. Spending time around Jackson was like playing with fire.

April _knew_ she shouldn't.

And yet...she couldn't help herself.

"No, I...I miss you too," April admitted quietly. "We're actually here three more days. I'd love to do something like that."


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Sorry for the delay friends! Had a low sort of week that culminated with an annoying injury that made it more difficult to type, so my writing took longer than normal. Hopefully the length and a few more pieces of the puzzle will make up for the tardiness. Lot's of hints in this chapter, so see what you can catch! Next update won't be this long. Thank you all so much for reading, and please let me know what you think. **

* * *

Jackson sighed and scratched the back of his head as he leaned against a pillar in the lobby of the Ritz Carlton. He was waiting for April, Matthew and the kids to come down and join him for a day of fun and exploration in Boston. Or so he'd convinced April. For him, having fun was unlikely. Jackson had absolutely no idea what had possessed him to offer to take April and her family sight seeing.

None.

What the hell had he been thinking? How could he willingly torture himself by being around her again, voluntarily, when he knew that April and her family in particular were just painful reminders of how colossally Jackson had screwed up his own life? He supposed the only answer was that he simply couldn't help himself. Being around April again was as addictive as ever.

Even if she was different, and he was different and there was nothing that could be done to change the past, being in the same room was worth confronting the pain.

As awkward as it had been at the awards gala, Jackson could honestly say he felt revitalized just by being in the same room as his long lost friend. It was such a small thing, but Jackson was even pleased to even sit next to her. When his mother guided April and her family to their table, he hadn't dared to hope that he'd get the change to sit next to her. Matthew and April situated themselves far apart, with Jake and Lindsey between them, as though the seating arrangement was routine. Jackson had given Catherine a pleading look, urging her to sit next to Matthew. And boom.

Once again he was by her side.

April could still transfix him, and he'd been happy enough to just sit with her. She was quieter and more subdued than he remembered her to be, but as they conversed, he found himself hanging from April's every word.

The night had left Jackson wanting more. Craving more.

So he'd opened his mouth and the offer to show April and her family around the city of Boston had just sort of slipped out. Along with a the somewhat dangerous admission; that he missed her. A lot. Jackson hadn't planned it, and he was even more surprised to find that April said yes. He didn't really care why she agreed. Maybe she understood on some level how he was feeling. Maybe she felt sorry for him. Maybe she could see how her presence affected him.

The change in his demeanor certainly did not go unnoticed by his mother. That was sure. Catherine wasn't blind. She might not know exactly what was going on, but she'd seen enough to know that something was going on. And finally after years of keeping her in the dark about April and all of it, Jackson realized that the jig was up.

_They walked side by side back to their waiting taxi after dropping off Harper at his hospice center after the gala. Jackson kept his hands stuffed firmly in his pockets, while Catherine hooked her arm around his elbow. _

_After a moment of silence his mother ventured, "Well, I think we can go ahead and call tonight a major success." _

_"Sure," Jackson agreed. "I think most people had a good time."_

_Catherine nodded, "Most people did." _

_They make eye contact and snorted. "Except Grandpa..."_

_"Well, you did leave him with Dr. Yang for half the night."_

_"Yeah." _

_Catherine waved her hand dismissively, "Besides, you know he just likes to complain. Lord knows at this point, complaining is probably the only thing keeping that old man alive..." _

_Jackson continued to laugh as his mother went on to mimic Harper's biggest complaints of the night. _

_"Surgeons these days, sure aren't what they used to be..." _

_He joined her, pulling his face into a scowl that approximated his grandfather's most irritated expression, "Jackie! Don't you leave me with this charlatan!" _

_"When I was young, no one would even think to bring their children to an awards event!"_

_Jackson had to swallow when Catherine repeated Harper's indignation over April bringing the children to the awards gala. That had been the one hard part of the whole night. Seeing her and Matt's kids. It was like a punch in the kidneys. And he felt bad feeling that way, because they were great kids from what he'd seen. Of course they were, Jackson sighed. They were April's._

"Mr. Jackson! Mr. Jackson!"

He looked up at the sound of Lindsey's excited voice, just in time to see her sprinting towards him from across the lobby. The little girl raced into him at full throttle, and her pigtails fanning out behind her as she ran.

"Hey there..." Jackson said awkwardly, kneeling down to greet her and scanning around for the rest of the family.

Lindsey grabbed hold of his index finger with a surprisingly strong grip and began pulling his hand up and down as she squealed with anticipation, "When are we gonna see the tea party?"

"What?"

He was confused. Allowing the girl to hold onto his finger, Jackson wrapped the rest of his hand around her tiny one. Why was Lindsey alone? She shouldn't be running around the hotel alone. Where was her family? He stood up, scanning desperately back across the lobby.

Unfazed and oblivious to Jackson's concerns, Lindsey answered, "My brother says there is a tea party in Boston."

Chuckling to himself as he led the girl back toward the elevators, Jackson said, "He told you that?"

"Yeah, the Boston tea party! Right?"

"Uh, yeah well, he's kind of right. It's just not the kind of tea party you're thinking of..."

She frowned, "Oh..."

"Hey Lindsey?"

"Yeah?"

"Where is your family?"

The little girl looked at Jackson as though he'd asked the most irrelevant question possible. Jackson tilted his head and raised his eyebrows, "Well?"

"They're coming," Lindsey pouted. She sighed and looked around the rest of the lobby as she began a more lengthy explanation. "I ran really really fast and um, then I got on the elevator first. Then I pressed da button." She held up her hand and demonstrated button pressing in the air. "Ding! It closed the doors before they could get on."

"You pressed the close door button?" he asked incredulously, holding back a grin. He could only imagine April and Matthew's frustration when they realized that the girl had shut them out of the elevator. "Why would you do that?"

"I'm a big girl!" Lindsey replied matter of factly as though her answer was the most logical thing in the world. "I wanted to ride the elevator all by myself."

Jackson lost his battle and the corners of his lips lifted into his first genuine smile of the day.

_They were April's children. He couldn't hate them, even if knowing why the existed hurt him to his deepest core. How could he not feel some sort of affection for Jake and Lindsey? Not when their myriad of little quirks reminded him of the April Jackson had grown to love in his residency. They were April's children and he couldn't help but care, even though a small part of him despaired inside. __It was as unavoidable as all the other feelings Jackson felt towards their mother. The fact that the feelings hurt him? Well, that wasn't the children's fault. Or April's. Or Matthew's._

_It was all Jackson. He knew he'd screwed up his entire life. _

_When they reached the waiting taxi, Jackson quickly opened the door for his mother, allowing her to enter the backseat first, before sliding into the seat beside her. _

_Catherine smiled fondly, shaking her head, "Harper's just from a different generation. I, for one thought April bringing those children was lovely. Fine time for women to show their children they can succeed in the workplace too. __Surgeons have ended up with bad family lives for much too long."_

_"Yeah," he mumbled, thinking of their own Avery mess. _

_"You know I really have to hand it to Kepner...she has done well for herself. And not just professionally. That's a nice family." Catherine waved her hand in the air, "I never really understood her whole virginity thing. I still don't, because frankly I don't think when a woman starts having sex is any of Jesus's damn business. When she was a resident, I'd never seen someone as tense as April. That girl was wound up! I always told her to figure it out and find herself a-"_

_Jackson cleared his throat awkwardly. He really didn't want to talk about any subject that was remotely related to April's sexual history with his mother of all people. _

_"But," his mother held up her find her and gestured suggestively. "That Matthew is a fine upstanding man. Bland, maybe. Seems to be a good husband though. He's a little...eager, but nice. "_

_"If you say so..." he mumbled uncomfortably. _

_His comment made her brow furrow, "You don't like Matthew?" _

_Not really. Jackson admittedly didn't know the guy, but he did know that the tall paramedic basically had everything worth wanting as far as Jackson was concerned. _

_Lucky bastard._

_"I never said that." _

_ "Well, you were very close friends, I can understand it might have been hard when April started having less time for her you. That's just how it is, baby. No need to be jealous. __Friends are still important but priorities change. _You'll understand someday when you find your own special love."

_"Sure," Jackson agreed sarcastically._

_His mother pressed forward, "But after all that chastity stuff, April found her happy ending. Maybe the wait was worth it."_

_It was, Jackson thought bitterly. Just not in the way Catherine thought._

_"And they make good kids too," his mother concluded, and Jackson couldn't help but wince. "It was lovely to see them at the gala. Next year, I think the foundation ought to actually encourage award recipients to bring their whole families. We could try to make it all more family friendly. __Looking back, I wish I'd have brought you to more events when you were younger..."_

_"I'd have hated it," Jackson snorted. "And I probably wouldn't have behaved half as well as Jake and Lindsey did. They're good kids."_

_"Mhmm..." his mother said, nodding and scrutinizing him out of the corner of her eye. "And you were surprisingly good with them."_

_"Mom, it's not like I hate children." Jackson rolled his eyes. He could just guess where this conversation was headed, and he definitely did not want to go there. He didn't like to have discussions of this nature on a good day, and he certainly did not want to broach the topic tonight. _

_"I'm just saying you would make a good father. I know what happened with Warren makes you uneasy, but you're so different from him, baby."_

_"We're not talking about this." _

_"I'm not getting any younger, you know," Catherine said, resting her chin on her hand and gazing out the window thoughtfully. "And neither are you. I won't live forever. Grandbabies would be nice. Preferably before I am the one in the wheelchair..."_

_Jackson set his jaw, "I said I didn't want to talk about this."_

_His mother only pursed her lips, "I saw how you lit up around April and her family. Most of your friends have settled down. When are you going to?" _

_He sighed. It wasn't that easy. Jackson had only ever seriously entertained thoughts of settling down with one woman. The same woman who'd made him light up at dinner. April. Deep down he knew that the reason he'd never settled down or gotten serious with any of his lovers over the years was because he really couldn't imagine spending the rest of his life with anyone but her. _

_And April already had her happy ending. Jackson just wasn't a part of it. He'd missed that chance._

_"Honey, are you gay?" Catherine asked him suddenly. _

_"What?" _

___"Because you know it would not be a problem with me at all and there are a lot of options for growing a family..."_

_ "No!" _

_"Well, then...what is taking so long, baby? You're a wonderful catch...booty calls are all well and good my dear, but you can't expect to carry on forever."_

_Jackson groaned, "Mom..."_

_"Then what is keeping you from settling down?" Catherine demanded._

___"You said you were staying out of my personal life, and you haven't gone back on your word since..."_

___"Honey, I'm tired of that! And frankly, when I agreed to leave you alone, I thought it was a phase you'd grow out of." _

_She was looking at him expectantly and Jackson shifted uncomfortably under her gaze. It was the kind of look Catherine had used on him when he was a teenager. To extract information he didn't want to divulge. It didn't seem like she was going to let this go._

_"There's something you're not telling me."_

_He scowled and tried not to make eye contact. There was a lot he hadn't told his mother over the years. _

_Jackson squirmed. He realized he had to tell her the truth. The whole unfortunate truth. From San Francisco to the pregnancy scare to both of the storms. If only to share the weight of it all with someone else. _

Soon enough Jackson and Lindsey made their way back through the lobby to the elevators, where they found a frustrated April exiting a carriage holding Jake's hand, along with an agitated Matthew.

Matthew sighed in relief when he saw his little girl, "Oh good, you've found her, Avery. Thanks..."

"Uh, no worries...she kind of found me actually..."

"She's just quick these days," Matt continued. "Makes you miss the pre-walking stage. Can't take your eyes off of her for a second."

"If you'd found the stairs and gone down after her, you'd have beat the elevator to the ground floor long before Jackson found Lindsey," April mumbled dismissively.

He shrugged, "It wasn't like I didn't try."

April ignored her husband's comment leaning down and giving a small lecture to Lindsey, "What did I tell you about holding Daddy's hand?"

Jackson had a brief flash of the feisty April he'd seen in countless trauma situations at Seattle Grace. Organizing chaos. Triage emergency. Dressing down interns. Not that the situation really called for that reaction per say, but Jackson couldn't really say he didn't enjoy getting a glimpse of that April again. Especially given how much more reserved she seemed to be these days.

"Sorry Mommy," Lindsey replied reluctantly.

April nodded, and returned her attention to her husband, "God forbid a man who makes his living running around finding addresses find something...can't even find the hotel stairs..."

Matthew deflated a little but retorted, "What can I say? There's no such thing as hotel GPS..."

"Or, better yet," April continued undeterred. "You could have avoided this whole thing if you'd just paid better attention to her like you said you would and you wouldn't have even had to find the freaking stairs."

Jackson stood awkwardly, trying his hardest not to react to the squabble in front of him. It wasn't the first time he'd seen April and her husband bicker. More then a few snide remarks had been tossed out between the couple at the Harper Avery Awards. But it seemed to be in good enough fun. The kids didn't even seemed that fazed, although this argument made Jake duck his head as his sister shoved her thumb in her mouth.

Jackson figured some couples just communicated like that. Hell, look at the Karevs. Sometimes listening to them argue, Jackson figured a person would be hard pressed to understand that Jo and Alex actually even liked each other, let alone shared a marriage. And what did he really know? If he was honest with himself, his last 'real' relationship, the last time he really fully and truly tried to make it work with someone had been Lexie. Long before Jackson understood most of his feelings. Certainly before he sorted out his feelings for April.

But the situation still made Jackson feel an odd mixture of unease and satisfaction. A part of him was glad that April and Matthew's life together wasn't all sunshine and butterflies. What kind of guy did that make him? All another part of himself wanted for April was sunshine and butterflies. He felt confused.

This was probably going to be an uncomfortable day. He felt very distinctly like the 5th wheel he was in this family. It seemed like April was already at her wits end. Jackson knew he'd gotten himself into this situation. And he knew why.

He longed for proximity at all costs.

And even if she was not in the best of mood right at the moment, being around April still seemed like a better option than going back to Seattle without spending at least a little time with her.

He could only hope this day wouldn't turn out to be a total disaster.

Jackson cleared his throat and rubbed his hands together, "Well, why don't we go ahead and get started...I thought it might be fun to take a ride on the subway?"

_"I can't believe what I am hearing! You took April Kepner's virginity?"_

_"Ow!" Jackson shouted when his mother's hand made contact with the back of his head for the third time._

_"Boy, you should have told me all of this years ago! Saved you all this trouble." _

_His mother raised her hand in the air once more and Jackson ducked his head, deftly avoiding a fourth slap. _

_"Mom! Stop!" _

_He scowled when he heard the taxi driver chuckle from the front seat. The guy was clearly trying to feign disinterest as they idled in a parking spot near the hotel. Catherine had asked him to park the vehicle, around the time Jackson had gotten started taking about the plane crash, when it became clear just how long and complicated the whole sorry mess really was. Jackson had half forgotten the other man was there, but he supposed his mother's reaction must be somewhat entertaining for the driver. _

_Withdrawing the threat of a hit, Catherine took a deep breath and pressed a finger to her temple, "I can't believe I didn't know about this." _

_"I asked you to stay out of my life," Jackson shrugged. "And you have. I appreciate that." _

_His mother scowled, "You asked me not to meddle right when you needed me to meddle the most! Why didn't you tell me? All these years, and you're saying to me that you've loved April Kepner, and you never said a word. To her or me. That's ridiculous." _

_"Mom, I don't think-" Another smack to the back of his head. _

_"I knew that girl didn't fail her boards for no good reason," Catherine continued emphatically. "And after that, I just thought April was only acting weird around me because...well...she was always a little..."_

_"Don't call her weird, Mom."_

_His mother coyly raised an eyebrow, "I was going to say uptight." _

_They sat in the back seat staring straight ahead in silence for a few moments before he spoke again, "I didn't tell you at first because...I didn't really understand what what happening. Or how I was feeling."_

_That was the truth. He could honestly say that in the beginning he'd been thrown for a loop. Jackson never in a thousand years would have expected April to kiss him at boards. And then that had led to more and more and the flood gates opened and the roller coaster began. Board exam failures, plane crashes, pregnancy scares, flash mob proposals. _

_Stormy confessions. Stormy cowardice._

_"And then...Webber died and...I just couldn't. I didn't want to bother you." _

_The one time he'd briefly considered confiding in his mother, was in the days following April's sudden declaration. Jackson had felt so confused and so angry and his mother had flown out to Seattle anyway after finding out about Richard's electrocution. He'd thought about talking to her. The old chief had initially responded quite well to treatment after being rescued, but his burns were very severe. He only lasted 4 days. His mother had been devastated. There was no way he'd ever have added to her concerns. Besides, April had been avoiding him like the plague and he figured if he let things cool off enough, it would all blow over. At the time he'd thought it was possible, even desirable, to friends with April again._

_In the end he'd realized friendship wasn't enough. But he still couldn't bring himself to burden his mother. _

_Catherine frowned and reached toward him again. Jackson flinched, but she gently caressed his ear, "Oh baby, you don't always have to handle all your problems by yourself. You've always tried to hide so much..." _

_He shrugged. _

_Jackson had been afraid of worrying his mother since he was small. Ever since he'd heard her muffled crying from behind the bathroom door after his father had left. Catherine Avery was a strong woman. But sometimes, when life was just too much, even she cracked. Jackson had vowed then and there never to be the straw that broke his mother's composure. _

_That was something his father did. Not him._

_"So, you love April? You don't want anyone else. Even now..."_

_Jackson nodded, "I haven't exactly ever dated anyone who made me feel the same way. With other people it's just...hollow. April is different; she always was. I-I get it now. She's it, you know?"_

_He'd never been one to believe in soul mates when he was younger, but now he had to wonder. Dumb system as it might be, it wasn't like Jackson had ever come close to feeling the same level of love he had for April with any of his conquests over the years. He hadn't even bothered to attempt to actually have an emotional relationship with someone in nearly 6 years. Physical needs, he'd always been easily able to deal with. _

_Jackson discovered that emotional ones were much harder to satisfy. _

_Catherine murmured in agreement,"You really love her, but she's married to someone else..."_

_It had taken him a decade to really fully and truly understand how much April mattered to him. He'd been in denial for so long. Missed so many opportunities. But now he finally got it. He loved her. Of course the tragedy was that time did not stand still. April had moved on. He'd pushed her to move on, in fact. _

_"Yeah," Jackson said, hanging his head. "I just...I couldn't say it back. __I could never tell her. I was...I don't even know why, Mom. At first, I just wasn't even sure what was going on, and then I was hurt and then I got pissed because I didn't know if I could trust her and...I just...looking back there are places I know I screwed up."_

___"You know," his mother said wistfully. "I always liked April Kepner. Even all the way to when I met her at Mercy West." _

___"I know, Mom." _

_"Well," his mother sighed, reaching for the door handle. "This is a fine mess then, huh?"_

_"It's a disaster." _

_"Oh honey," Catherine said, patting his knee gently and leaning forward to pay the cab driver. "No mess was ever impossible to get out of. Besides, now you have added benefit of my support and wisdom. And I am telling you need to talk to April." _

_"Mom," Jackson groaned, opening his own car door and stepping into the street. "Just because I told you how I feel doesn't mean you get to meddle with my life again." _

_"The hell it doesn't," she replied carefully maneuvering out of her own door. She leaned to the open driver's window and added, "Am I right?"_

_Jackson rolled his eyes in embarrassment when the man replied, "Absolutely right." _

_He leaned out to look at Jackson, "The mama is always right!" _

_"Especially since this poor fool's been ignoring the situation for so long," Catherine nodded emphatically. "You need to talk to her, honey. You need to get this off your chest. It's weighing you down. And who knows, maybe-"_

_"Maybe nothing! She's married." _

_"To a man who's about as interesting as a piece of toast." _

_"You said you liked Matthew!"_

_"I do. He's perfectly nice. But baby, he doesn't hold a candle to you. Any woman in her right mind-" _

_"You're my mother. You have to say that." _

_He pinched the bridge of his nose. It was all very quickly coming back to him why he'd kept a lid on this whole part of his life for so long. He'd half forgotten how frustrating and invasive his mother could be when there was something she deemed to be juicy happening in his personal life._

_"__I hurt her. __I'm not gonna do it again. _There's nothing I can do about this situation." 

_April was married to Matthew. They had two kids. She lived in Ohio. She had a whole life without him. _

_"Maybe we can't fix it," Catherine conceded, offering his shoulder a gentle squeeze."Maybe...well probably we won't change much. But we can at least resolve it. Stop you from being so stuck with your life." _

_"I am not stuck."_

_The cabbie shook his head, "Oh no, man. You stuck." _

_Jackson rolled his eyes, and called over his shoulder as he and his mother headed back toward the hotel, "Thanks for the input."_

Jake grabbed hold if Matthew's left hand, lifted his thumb and whispered the time honored phrase: "One, two, three, four! I declare a thumb war!"

Jackson watched as Matthew allowed the boy to win the game easily over and over again. He'd taken them to see a few of the city's more interesting historical landmarks (including a small 'Boston Tea Party' tour), and thought it would be nice to end the day at the Boston Common with a carousel ride. The park wasn't overly crowded and April had taken Lindsey to use the bathroom before they went on the ride, and the males were waiting patiently outside the women's restroom.

The weather was clear and peaceful, and the day with April and her family was going much better than he'd imagined it would. It had gone well enough to bring them here. To this place. His place from childhood.

Having the kids around helped. He knew it would have been horribly awkward if only the three adults were around. There just wasn't much any of them could say. Jackson was hard pressed to hide his jealousy toward Matthew and uncertain of where he even stood with April. The years apart had taken their toll. He felt a distance from her. Once, he'd been able to read April like a book, but today Jackson had no idea what she was thinking about. And Matthew clearly was suspicious of Jackson, and Jackson could hardly blame him.

And April...she was just guarded with him. And with Matthew. The kids were the ones propelling the whole conversation for most of the day.

Which really meant Lindsey set most of the topics. So they talked tea and ponies, with a small side digression into the marching habits of baby ducks. Which Jackson was totally okay with, because April seemed happiest when the kids said or did something adorable or demonstrated how smart they were.

Much as he might have wanted time alone with April, this day would just have to tide him over until he figured out another way to spend time with her. Jackson knew already, from the gala to today, that he just couldn't allow himself to get cut off from her again. Even after they both went back to their respective home states. He hadn't realized how painful it was to be so distant. He couldn't go years without some sort of contact again. And he thought that maybe, just maybe today had gone well enough, that Jackson could somehow convince April to at least keep better in touch with him.

The sharpness and somewhat unpredictable turns of April's moods today affected him more than he'd expected. It frightened Jackson. Because even though things had been fairly fun and calm, he couldn't be sure of her openness to maintaining better contact. As easily as April could agree, she also might cut him out of her life altogether, and he hated to face that.

Jackson wasn't sure that he could.

He just needed to figure out a way to ask. Something to say. This April was so incredibly difficult for him to approach, so he had to be meticulous in his words. He needed to say the right thing.

Jake giggled as his father dramatically added sound effects to their little battle of the thumbs.

"Oh no! You got me!" Matthew complained.

Jackson smiled wistfully as the faint sound of carousel music reached his ears mixing in with the laughter. His father used to bring him here on his rare days off. Cherished time in the schedule of toddler Jackson's life. It was always just the two of them. No Catherine and no Harper. No nannies. Warren took him on the carousel. He remembered that.

_He was sitting up on the white horse. His favorite, and apparently the favorite of many kiddies. Jackson and Daddy had had to wait three go-rounds before it was free for him to sit on. _

_The horse turned out to be taller than he expected, and the height and movement of the ride was kind of scary. His stomach started to churn. He knew he was buckled in, but he also knew more than the average three year old about bodies and bones and blood._

_Gulping, Jackson gripped the metal pole of his horse and started to take deep breaths. Like Grandpa always said you should when you needed to be strong. Because you couldn't cry. Big Avery's didn't cry. _

_Warren must have noticed the tension in his son's demeanor because suddenly he was there, right behind Jackson, resting a steadying hand on the boy's back._

_"It's okay, Jackie. I've got you." _

_"You won't let go?" Jackson asked, looking back at his Daddy with wide eyes. "You won't let me fall?"_

_ Warren shook his head, "I promise. I'll be here." _

_It was enough to make Jackson's apprehensions about riding the carousel vanish._

_ Daddy was there. Daddy's kept their promises. __He smiled and laughed with glee as the ride circled around again and he pretended he was a cowboy trying to lasso the unoccupied zebra just in front of them. And of course, just like he promised, his Daddy stayed right behind him the whole time. _

_Riding the big white horse wasn't so scary with his Daddy around. He made everything better. As the ride slowed and began it's final circle, Jackson looked back to his father adoringly._

_"I love you, Daddy!"_

Jackson figured that this might be his only real memory of his father. His life was marked by memories of Warren's absence rather than his presence.

With a mild sense of shock, he wondered whether that was last time he said it to someone other than his mother. As a boy, Jackson had given his love so easily. As a man, he didn't reveal or examine his emotions when he could help it. Giving love made you vulnerable. He'd learned it growing up, and he'd never really been able to get over it.

Mark Sloan, in a weird way was the closest thing Jackson had ever had to having a father in his life again. And he'd used some of his last moments of his life to talk to Jackson about love. If you love someone, tell them. Even when you're afraid. Say it loud.

But he'd never been able to take Mark's advice. Especially when he was afraid.

April had said it to him once. When he'd gone to see her in Ohio. After the tornado. She'd told Jackson that she loved him. _Really _loved him. But he'd been afraid. Seeing her laid up and pale overwhelmed him. Her words totally and utterly filled him with panic. Because it couldn't be true. The only person Jackson could be certain had ever loved him was his mother. He'd been so certain that April didn't mean it. Not with a seizure in her recent past, a surgery in the near future, and an ex-fiance in the hallway. It scared the hell out of him.

And kept him silent.

It was why Jackson hated to think back to that moment. He refused to examine it.

"So, does Nicole Benton still work for BestCare?" Matthew asked casually.

"Uh," Jackson realized he'd been paying absolutely no attention whatsoever to the scene around him. "What?"

"Nicole? My old partner," Matthew continued jovially. "I haven't talked to her in years. Best partner I've ever had. One of my best friends too. Does BestCare Emergency Response still have the servicing agreement with Grey Sloan Memorial?"

Jackson blinked. As board member, he realized that he probably should know that, but given that he was on the board of six different hospitals, he was hard pressed to remember all the details. Add to that, his mind was miles away.

Thankfully, April and Lindsey appeared, and his old friend spared Jackson from fumbling for an answer.

"Jackson is the head of plastics and a hospital board member," April huffed. "Of more than one hospital from what I understand. He hardly has the time to keep track of _your _old ambulance corps, Matthew."

"I'm only actually the head of plastics at Grey Sloan and Saint Francis," Jackson automatically corrected, realizing too late that April was perhaps not in a mood to be amended. "And boards do actually deal with contract negotiations."

"Oh," April dead panned, smirking unconvincingly and taking Jake's hand and abruptly leading both children towards the nearby carousel. "Whatever. Uh, look it's already dusk and I don't want the kids up too late, so let's just get this ride over with."

Jake grinned and Lindsey jumped up and down eagerly shouting, "Carousel!"

Matthew and Jackson exchanged a glance when they realized that April's brisk pace was taking her and the children away from both men at a rapid pace. The taller man rolled his eyes fondly and quickly jogged forward to catch up.

Jackson sighed, and hung back, watching the four person family forge ahead on the side walk. They looked like the perfect unit. A mom, a dad, a boy and a girl. The quintessential American dream. Well almost. April and the two children walked close together, Jake and Lindsey skipping along as their mother jokingly joined in. Matthew walked off the the side, hands jammed in his pockets, and keeping a slow enough pace so that he didn't out walk his family. There was a distance there, Jackson noted.

Not so perfect. Perhaps not so united.

Unexpectedly, April looked back, locking Jackson's gaze with an intense, but largely impenetrable gaze. Fear coursed through Jackson. He still didn't know what to do or how he was going to proceed. There was no sure game plan that would keep April in his life.

He could lose her again. So easily. And it was terrifying. Maybe the his mother was right. Maybe the damned cabbie was right.

Jackson was really stuck. But he didn't want to stay that way.

* * *

"Mommy!" Lindsey whined, looking back to her mother from her perch on top of a garishly decorated carousel horse. "You should ride a pony too! Daddy and Dr. Jackson are."

"Yeah Mommy," Matthew smirked, gesturing to Jackson. "Take a risk. We're taking the plunge."

He looked utterly ridiculous and cramped on top of a stationary bear, with his long legs crossed in front of the figure.

They were waiting for the ride to start. It was late afternoon and the Boston Common carousel wasn't very crowded so Jake and Lindsey had insisted that all the adults take part. It was a circus themed carousel, filled with tigers, monkey's, mythical looking horses, and other animals. Jake was in front of Lindsey, riding a fierce looking painted lion and giggling happily with her old friend.

Jackson wasn't riding exactly, unlike her husband. April watched as he leaned casually against a carousel animal and chatted with Jake. At least her typically shy son was opening up a bit to Jackson. He was leaning against a white horse, of course.

Of course. The gorgeous man was fulfilling his stereotype. The knight in shining armor.

Only he hadn't been hers. As far as April was concerned, all those fantasies about a prince on a horse riding in and falling in love and changing your life was bullshit fed to insecure little girls in small towns. She was over it.

Fairy tales did not come true.

_Hearing the sound of the front door creak open, April closed her book, flicked out her beside lamp, and swiftly rolled over. Matthew, her new husband of 3 months was getting home from his night shift. He was still settling in as a paramedic in Cleveland and had to sit second seat while his partner drove until he became more intimately familiar with the city's streets. Consequently, he'd ended up with some odd late night shifts. _

_And as bad as it was, April did her best never to schedule her own night shifts on the same days as her husband. She was relieved to have an evening to herself. __Pressing her eyes shut, she evened out her breathing and curled beneath the comforter as she listened to the sounds of Matthew poking around downstairs._

_It wasn't like April wanted to avoid him exactly. Well, it was. But not because Matt was doing anything in particular that would be widely considered avoidable. He was as kind and attentive and sweet as he'd been the day they met. And April knew that he was putting in the extra effort to try to be a good husband. Given the on again, off again, engaged, off again, engaged again, married course of their relationship, she figured he was doing everything he could to prove to her that this could work._

_Matthew was trying to be the best husband. __But that was part of the problem. There was such a thing as being too attentive._

_Sometimes April just wanted space. To have quiet. Peace after a long and stressful shift in Case Western Reserve's ER. _

_Matthew constantly filled silences. And planned things. Camping trip. Romantic dinners. Outings and concerts. He was all about stuff like that. __And about being a 'we'. We're new around here. We just got married. We both work in healthcare. We, we, we. __In their first Mercy Group meeting at their new church, April had counted a total of 15 'we' uses in 12 minutes, which she considered to be entirely unnecessary._

_It got on her nerves._

_The bedroom door opened, and Matthew carefully slipped in, changing quietly out of his uniform. April felt the weight of the bed shift as he climbed in beside her. He scooted close, sliding a lock of hair behind her ear and gently draping an arm around her waist. Sighing, April opened her eyes and turned around to face him. _

_His eyes lit up and he smiled, "Hey! I thought you were asleep." _

_"No."_

_"Couldn't sleep?" _

_April shrugged. She hadn't tried. But his guess was close enough._

_Matthew leaned forward and kissed her forehead before whispering, "Well, let's see what we can do about that."_

_'We'. _

_He tapped her shoulder and shifted so he sat behind April, pushing her hair to one side. She sighed and closed her eyes as his hands gently began massaging the knots out of her tense shoulder blades. As frustrating as some of his more coupley quirks were, April had to admit that he gave a wonderful massage. _

_And he liked cuddling. And spooning. And talking. All that stuff. He liked the closeness. __At any time, really. N__ot just...well, not only __after 'carnival' experiences._

___Admittedly, it was something April wasn't wholly used to, given that in her previous 'relationship' most of the carnival riding was done in stolen moments found on bunk beds or in bathrooms. There'd been little time for lingering in the afterglow with Jackson. They usually had to get back to work, and she'd pretty much set the standard 'post sex' pattern back in San Francisco that first night. _

___Which April now understood was a mistake. Another in the pile of terrible mistakes she'd made with Jackson. She'd been confused and overwhelmed. She hadn't started that day before her boards planning to have sex with her best friend. And she certainly hadn't expected to enjoy it. At the time, she'd wanted to be alone. _

___To process. _

___But carnival rides with her husband were different. Not better or worse, really. Different. For one thing, Matthew was taller, which impacted some of what they did. And he was new to everything so that was an experience in and of itself. And they were married. The guilt she'd felt with Jackson was replaced with different kind of guilt. _

___After his first time, Matthew didn't ask April to leave. And now she understood now how Jackson probably felt their first night. ____If Matthew had asked her to leave on their wedding night, despite everything, despite all the confusion and bargaining and settling that got her there, April would still have been crushed. Because, if you even cared about the other person in the slightest, you didn't want to leave afterwards. Not when you'd shared yourself, made yourself vulnerable, and open with someone else._

___There was a pull to be close, even if you weren't in love. _

_"I took your advice," Matthew commented. _

_"Oh, really?" April murmured absently __as he found a spot just below her neck that made her gasp. _

___"Mhmm...I made a friend. Lee Ogden. He's a northwestern guy too. Grew up in Olympia. Actually in high school our football teams played against each other. He's five years above me though, so I missed out on playing him." _

___April could only half nod, and mumble affirmatively as Matthew worked his thumbs in concert with the palms of his hands ironing out a particularly stubborn knot. _

___"He invited me to play pool on Thursday nights actually..."_

___"That's nice."_

___She knew he missed his family and old friends back in Washington State. Matthew had grown up there and for him, living in Ohio was not the same as it was for her. April's sisters, relatives, and old college friends were all over the state of Ohio. She didn't even really have to make that much of an effort to reintegrate herself. Not when Libby and her family lived in Cleveland and went to the same church and introduced April to all of her friends. Even if she didn't exactly click with all of them (there were few people she clicked with her whole life), at least she had insta-friends._

___April hung her head. ____ Matthew had picked up his whole life and moved to be with her. He was new and tended toward the awkward and shy._ Like she had been when she'd first moved to Seattle for her residency. He was new and isolated. Which was probably as much a cause of his Stepford husband persona as their somewhat rocky history. She wanted to be more supportive. More, she knew that she ought to be more supportive. They were married.

___"I thought it would be good...like you said...branch out. Don't want my wife to be literally the only person I know in Cleveland..."_

___'I'._

___"That's good, Matthew," April smiled. "I'm sure you'll have fun. That's good for you." _

___He leaned forward and kissed his way up the side of her neck, "I couldn't have done it without you...you know, how hard it is to meet people. It's easier for me to just creep on them sometimes instead of actually talking. But, like you said, gotta make a move sometime, right?" _

___"Yeah." _

___Matthew's hands stopped moving and he sighed, "I love you." _

___'You.'_

___April bit her lip and took a deep breath, "I..."_

_She cared about Matthew. She even probably did love him in a way. On her wedding day, she'd promised to have and to hold him. For better or for worse. In sickness and health. ____But she couldn't say she was in love with him. ____And he knew it. He still seemed to love her for it. And she was probably a terrible person for letting him convince her that being married would work. She felt like a terrible person because she couldn't give him the three little words he deserved in return._

___Rolling over, April licked her lips and ran her fingers along Matthew's collar bone. He shivered as she rocked her hips on his lap, straddling his legs, and kissing him deeply. _

___Maybe she couldn't say she loved Matthew, but she could do other things. That would have to be enough. Because ____April wasn't sure she could ever say she loved someone again. not after Jackson. It hurt too much. It was too risky. _

___Maybe this was all she was going to get. _

April rolled her eyes and ran a gentle hand down her daughter's back, "I'm okay standing right here with you. I'll still have fun riding like this..."

In reality, having 'fun' was probably a stretch, given that she'd felt pissed off for most of the day. She couldn't quite put her finger on why, but April had spent much of the time feeling completely frustrated. Jackson was cordial, but pensive, and seemed to be more interested in talking to Matt and the kids than he did her. She really didn't know what she had expected.

She really only said yes because she missed him enough that spending a little time was worth the anger and frustration. In the light of day, April would rather spend a little time with him while angry, than no time at all.

Jackson had invited her and _her family_ out for the day. Because he 'missed' her. Actually it was day planed to alleviate some of his own feelings about what had happened between them, no doubt. Jackson didn't miss April in the same way that she missed him. She was certain of that. For her, he represented a painful lost what if that could never work out. But for Jackson it was different.

He missed her because he felt bad about drifting apart. For rejecting her and making her withdraw from the friendship. So today she thought Jackson probably wanted to get over his own unease, and to see that she was okay and had survived. He could barely look at her without swallowing and hanging his head. April could tell he felt guilty. He'd probably felt guilty ever since freaking San Francisco.

So she'd come to the conclusion that today was a pity day. And April hated being pitied.

But none of that was Lindsey's fault. She knew her daughter had had a blast so far, and she had to credit Jackson for picking pretty kid friendly things that both her hyperactive girl and curious boy could enjoy equally.

Lindsey looked up and shouted, "My horse is gonna beat Jakey!"

"Nah uh!" Jake scowled over his shoulder.

"Horsies are faster than lions!"

He rolled his eyes, "We're just going to go in a circle! You can't really chase me!"

April warned, "Guys..."

"No fighting," Matthew added.

The gears of the carousel platform began to move, and with it all of their animals. The tinny sounding music of the ride didn't completely drown out the beginning of a fight between her two children. They usually got on well enough, but each had become a master at pushing the other one's buttons.

"Hey, Lindsey?" Jackson offered, easily sliding onto his white carousel figure. "Why don't we see if your horse rides better than mine does?"

April pursed her lips as her old friend handily defused the tension between the two siblings.

"Okay! I know mine's the best..."

"How do you know?"she asked her daughter as the ride sped up.

"Cuz she's a girl!"Lindsey replied, rolling her eyes dramatically. She squared her shoulders and gripped the reins of the little horse, "Look out Dr. Jackson! I'm gonna get you!"

April through her head back and laughed.

Real life wasn't fairy tale. But it wasn't all bad. Her two beautiful children were a testament to that. Her son and daughter brought her so much joy. And she couldn't have had them without Matthew.

_April was an emotional person. She was known at Mercy West, Grey Sloan, Case Western and on the Disaster dispatch as someone who got perhaps too emotionally invested with her work. She thought she'd learned to have a pretty good handle on things professionally, and April felt that she'd improved by leaps and bounds over the years. She'd changed a lot. But she still cried at weddings, baptisms, those annoyingly poignant commercials on tv that featured animals. _

_And right now April was the most emotional she could ever remember feeling. She was overwhelmed. S__he didn't know if she was laughing or crying or hyperventilating. Maybe it was all of the above. She didn't even care. __April sniffed, and smiled down at the tiny wriggling bundle in her arms. Her tears landed on his little hands, making her son squirm even more. _

_He was here! He was finally here. A fine layer of dark hair, ten perfect fingers, and ten tiny toes. Her little boy. And he was a boy! They'd waited to find out._

_Now they knew he was Jacob and not the girls name they had picked out. _

_Leaning in next to April, Matthew beamed, and reached out to adjust the blanket around the baby's head. He was smiling that same goofy toothy smile he'd had the night he told her that he really liked her in the Seattle drizzle. The same goofy smile he'd had when he'd proposed the first time with the flash mob. __The same smile as their wedding day. __Sometimes, it annoyed the crap out of April. _

_But not today. _

_"Hey there, little guy," Matthew whispered, using one finger to trace the outline of the baby's ear and blinking back tears."We've been waiting for you."_

_She smiled, "Yes, we have." _

_'We'. _

_Today...well, today changed everything. April still couldn't say she was in love with her husband, but in this moment she'd never loved him more. _

_Their first year of marriage had gotten off to a rocky start, and April knew that a lot of that was on her. She'd barely agreed to get married in the first place and then she knew that her responses to almost everything related to the union had been lack luster. She hadn't been enthusiastic about the planning, and left it to her sisters to add in many of those details she'd dreamed about as a child. She'd forced Matt to move to Ohio, with little regard for the impact that had on his life, because that's where her job was. And she'd always taken more from him than she could give back. _

_It'd been his idea to try for a baby. Matthew thought that it might help bring them together more. Take the focus of the two of them as a couple in favor of them as a family. April had been skeptical at first, because really everything she'd ever read said that a child was no way to solve marital problems. _

_"Look at him," Matthew continued, grinning as the baby yawned. _

_"I think he looks like you," she replied, examining his miniature features closely._

_"You think? I don't know," he smirked. "These ears don't seem to be a Taylor trait."_

_But then again, April was 33 and she'd always wanted to be a mother, and a huge part of the reason she'd even entered into this marriage in the first place was to have a family. Now the prospect was far from terrifying. There was the plan, the husband, the marriage. Yes, the problems were still there for her and Matthew. However, this was the life she had. It wasn't like something else was out there for her. It wasn't like someone else wanted her. _

_This life was the one she had. She felt like she'd spent her whole life resisting. Trying to swim upstream. She was tired of that. Now she wanted to go with the flow. __April wanted to make the best of it. __So she'd gone along with Matthew's plan once again. __Her son cooed and peered up at she as she gazed at him adoringly. This was the best possible outcome, even if a part of her knew that their problems wouldn't vanish because of a baby. He was worth it._

_"Hello Jacob..." April whispered. "I love you." _

She could say it to him. And Lindsey. I love you. April made a point to tell Jake and Lindsey just how much she loved them every single day. She never wanted there to be any question in their minds about whether or not their mother loved them.

And April found it easy to say to them. Children return love without reservation.

Two more gleeful rides on the carousel, and April could tell that Jake and Lindsey were done. The sun was setting and the weather was cooling. Her daughter had fallen asleep on her horse during the last ride, and valiantly as her son tried, his eyes drooped. They got off the ride and headed toward the subway station, Matthew carrying a drowsy Jake, while April cradled her sleeping daughter.

Jackson had offered to carry the little girl twice, and even though the child was not as small as she used to be, April couldn't bring herself to accept his help. Even if he did pity her, and even if he'd probably only planned this day to ease his conscience, she still had her pride. She was strong. She could carry her own daughter. She could handle a lot of things.

"I'm sorry we have to walk," Jackson said sympathetically, when he gave up on convincing April to let him carry Lindsey. "I just thought taking the subway would be interesting. Easier than taking a cab. I can call a taxi now though, if you guys think that would be easier?"

"Don't worry about it man," Matthew replied, bouncing Jake gently. "They'll sleep the whole way back. It was good to ride the train underground, huh, kiddo?"

The boy rubbed his eyes, and nodded, "Yeah, it was cool Dr. Jackson. We don't have those in Ceevelands..."

April smiled as she watched Jake's words trailed off, tightening her grip on her slumbering little girl. She suspected that both children would sleep in tomorrow.

As they headed out of the park toward the subway station April walked between Matthew and Jackson. It felt like both of them were watching her and it made her edgy. The fatigue of the children revealed an acutely awkward silence among the adults. She could understand why. They were all in different places in their lives now. There wasn't much left in common.

Arriving at the subway station, the group paused, waiting for the next train to arrive.

April knew that Matthew was suspicious of the whole outing, and of Jackson. He'd played nice, but she knew again that half the reason Matthew agreed to come was to stake his claim to her in a way. Which...well, that was wrong in oh, so many ways, and April planned to have words with him back at the hotel. For herself, she still didn't understand why or how Jackson could still make her feel the way he did. Not when she'd worked for years to shut all of those feelings down.

"Daddy?" Jake's small voice ended the uneasy silence. "I have to go potty..."

"Okay. I'll take you," Matthew sighed and made his way towards the nearby restrooms, giving April a significant look. "We'll be right back."

For the first time in years, Jackson and April were effectively alone. Relatively, anyway. Except for Lindsey, but she was out like a light. The last time they'd come close to being in this isolated proximity had been 3 years ago in a cemetery in Seattle visiting Reed and Charles. Neither of them had been in much of a mood for talking then.

She deliberately kept her eyes fixed on the empty subway tunnel in front of her, but she could still feel Jackson's eyes boring into her. He was as aware of their circumstance as she was.

"April."

Her name. He always could get her when she said her name like that. There was something in Jackson's voice that she couldn't ignore. Her grip tightened on her snoring daughter and she stole a peek at his face.

Jackson looked distraught. His brow was furrowed and he was chewing his bottom lip. Then he mumbled something she couldn't hear.

"Jackson?"

He closed his eyes and exhaled slowly, before repeating his words, "April, I know it doesn't make a difference, but...I'm sorry."

"Uh...Waiting for the subway is fine. It's not a problem," April fumbled.

Pursing his lips, Jackson's body stiffened, "No...I mean...I'm sorry. I'm sorry I left when you were hurt. I'm sorry I didn't say goodbye. I'm sorry for what I said. What I didn't say."

April turned her gaze sharply away from her old friend. She wasn't sure she wanted to go where she thought Jackson might take this.

"It was a long time ago," she whispered, rubbing Lindsey's back and looking at her feet. "Look, Matthew's coming back soon and we can't-"

"I know you don't want to talk about it."

His sneakers appeared in her line of vision. He was standing right in front of her. He was so close, and every fiber of her being wanted to reach out and touch him. It was a good thing Lindsey kept her arms occupied. April focused on breathing deep slow breaths.

_She was shaking like a leaf. Her head hurt. More than hurt. She wished she could find a word that meant more than hurt. but her head hurt so much that it was hard to find any words at all._

_She was fuzzily aware that Jackson was there. And that he was important. She wasn't sure of much else but she knew that._

_"I..." she slurred, struggling to focus on his face, realizing that she had absolutely no idea what they'd been talking about. Memories? People? _

_He seemed to realize that she was lost again, because he stopped talking and leaned forward to squeeze her hand, watching her tenderly. _

_She found the words she wanted to say. _

_"I love you."_

"I don't want to talk about it?" April closed her eyes and whispered. "I don't want to think about it."

Jackson sighed, "I'm sorry I never said it back. I think...I think that might have been the biggest mistake of my life."

"You think?" She couldn't quite control the frustration she felt.

Jackson reached into his pocket and pulled out a small, stylishly designed business card. He pressed it into her grasp and April was surprised to find that his hands were shaking.

"Okay I know this is asking a lot of you. I just...I don't want to go years without talking to you again. I can't do that. I miss you."

April looked up and was startled by just how close Jackson stood in front of her. Over his shoulder she could see Matthew and Jake exiting the bathroom doorway.

She took a step back, "Jackson, I can't-"

He glanced over his shoulder and noted their impending interruption, moving back as well. "Will you call me? I'm not asking to make you uncomfortable...I just think we need to talk. Just...think about it. Please? Call me when you get back to Ohio?"

Matthew and Jake approached and so did their subway train. April sighed. She really didn't understand this. Or him. He'd never gone out of his way over the years to stay in touch with her. Heck, until the Harper Avery Award email, April always had the sense that Jackson wanted to avoid her. Now he wanted her to call him?

Jackson took another step back and looked at her once more, "Just think about it."

Stetting her jaw and shifting Lindsey's weight, April took the card in one hand, awkwardly shoving it into her back pocket. She couldn't say that she didn't miss him too. And she also could not ignore that fact that standing so close to Jackson still, _still_, after all these years made her heart rate increase, and seemed to banish rational thought from her head. His impact on her in this single tiny moment of near solitude was proof enough.

He could make her feel things she'd worked for years to bury. And April was not sure she wanted to open that can of worms.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Hey guys! Long time no see. Again. Sorry. Real life got away from me again, but kind of in a good way (fingers crossed for my job interview tomorrow, friends). Hopefully the length of the chapter makes up for the tardiness. (Sorry to those of you who don't like long ones) Lotta flashback fun in this and a little more (but not complete) insight into the second storm as so many have asked for. Thank you all so very much for your feedback and interest in this story. It really does make a difference. Enjoy and please continue to let me know what you think!**

* * *

Jackson wasn't surprised when April didn't call the first week.

Of course she wasn't going to call the first week. He knew he'd dropped a bombshell on her and that asking her to call at all was definitely a lot to expect. Too much to expect. They'd spoken more that trip, between the gala and the day out, than they had in the previous past few years combined. And that hadn't _really_ been talking. Not like they used to. Not with the children and the doofus around.

Asking April to call was far from simple. It was asking a lot of her.

So, upon returning to Seattle, Jackson didn't allow himself to get his hopes up too high. He resumed work at Grey Sloan, and slipped quite easily back into his old routine. Board meetings, administration briefs, half day of patient's cases. Evenings to himself.

Because she wasn't going to call the first week. Or the second. Or the third. By the fourth week, he started to get concerned.

When she didn't call the fifth week, Jackson started to lose hope.

Perhaps he'd made a mistake. Maybe April wasn't going to call at all.

Jackson took to frequenting Joe's bar again on some of his days or evenings off, even though it was more of a hangout place for the younger faces of Grey Sloan Memorial. A few years ago he might have tried to use his charms to pick up someone to warm his bed for the night, but he'd tapered off in the last few years. Sleeping with random women could only temporarily alleviate his feelings of loneliness back then, when he'd tried his hardest to avoid thinking about April.

And now, Jackson couldn't slip back into the habit because, since Boston, April was all he could think about.

Especially at Joe's bar. He smirked and nodded to Joe as his lifted tonight's first bottle of beer to his lips. So much of their free time as residents had been spent in this very bar. Jackson had discovered he had many memories of April here. He'd learned so much about her here.

He learned she had things she didn't talk about as much as any of the rest of them. He'd learned that she preferred scotch over most other drinks, for good times and bad. He'd learned she was good at darts, but bad at pool.

In Joe's bar, Jackson had learned April could stand up for herself.

_"Wow," he gasped, listening to his girlfriend describe the awesome procedure she'd gotten to do that day. Lifting his drink to his lips, Jackson decided to try for some sympathy from Lexie. __"All Sloan taught me today was how to brine a chicken."_

_To his left, Alex snorted, "Altman called me a chicken."_

_Jackson smirked and Lexie seemed like she was about to laugh and suddenly April appeared all worked up and flustered as she surprised Karev wrestling his beer from his hand. _

_"What you said to me the other day? Was horrible!" April began angrily. "Mean and-"_

_Jackson watched the scene closely, in mild amusement, and ready to intervene as needed. He knew that few people (including himself on occasion) really respected April in her new job as Chief Resident. She was good at all the administrative stuff; the scheduling and the OR boards and all that, but out of all of them, April had never really been one who was able to get the rest of her peers to do much of anything. Even at the house. The whole chore wheel idea, which Jackson did see the merits of, crashed and burned pretty spectacularly the one time they'd tried it._

_ Most of April's ideas and orders as Chief Resident, good or bad, fared about as well._

_And he knew that his best friend and Alex Karev had a somewhat rocky history. Karev teased her pretty mercilessly, but generally not causing too much harm. There were moments when Jackson felt the need to step in and defend his friend, and he was always keeping an eye on the situation. He knew April could be sensitive sometimes and that Karev was a douche all of the time.  
_

_Yet, Jackson also knew that for whatever reason, despite Alex's crude and rude tendencies, April still had an inexplicably large soft spot for the guy. An almost hook up in the on call room even though it's your first time kind of soft spot. A sell your best friend out for a bet by telling everyone that Sloan actually performed what was supposed to be Jackson's first solo 5th year procedure even though he told you in confidence kind of soft spot. Jackson didn't pretend to understand it, but he had a concern that the bullshit April put up with from Karev would eventually hurt her if left unchecked._

_April Kepner was his best friend. They were the last two Mercy West residents in their peer group and they'd survived hell together. They both knew the horror of returning to an empty apartment and knowing that your best friend was never coming home again. He knew that because of that experience he'd always protect her. _

_There was a limit to how far Jackson would let things go between his two friends before he felt compelled to jump in. He'd punched Alex before. He wasn't afraid to do it again. _

_Alex interrupted April, shaking his head, "Alright, you doing it again, you're like a frickin' mosquito!"  
_

_Lexie snorted, and Jackson looked at his hands, expecting more of an angry tirade. He knew April was sensitive about her voice. _

_"Yeah, well that's all changing," April continued, with surprising authority. "Lexie, you're leading prerounds tomorrow. Jackson you're touring med students, and Alex, you've got nights in the ER for the next week. Any of you argue with me and I'll have you taken off the OR board. Indefinitely." _

_Jackson couldn't stop the grin from forming on his lips, as Lexie and Alex looked on with wide eyed surprise. They just got TOLD. By April Kepner no less. The sight, while a little shocking, delighted Jackson. It was amazing. Something to behold. Even kind of hot. A Mercy Wester win._

_Chief friggin' resident. _

_"I, on the other hand, just got fired from Bailey's trial," April commented, casually playing with her stolen mug of beer. "So, I'm going to spend the night drinking and flirting with boys."_

_She lifted the glass and downed the remainder of Alex's beer, coughing daintily after the last swallow before she turned and disappeared into the evening crowd at Joe's. Jackson, Lexie and Alex sat at the bar in shock. _

_Finally, Jackson swallowed and tapped his fist gently on the table, as his friends came to there senses. April had always been the most mild mannered of the residents, only prone to outbursts when she was well and truly pushed to the limit. Obviously that happened today. _

_"What the hell was that?" Karev asked. Lexie only shrugged._

_Jackson took another swig of his drink, and stole a glance toward the dart board, where he saw his best friend smiling and chatting amiably with two guys in flannel as they played the game. The taller man invited April to play, and __Jackson felt his jaw tighten as he watched the other man stand directly behind her. The guy was pressing his body to her back, under the guise of 'teaching' her to play._

_Couldn't April see he was just using it as an excuse to cop a feel? _

_Not that it was any of Jackson's business really. He had his own romantic troubles to worry about. And, as fragile as his best friend seemed sometimes, she'd just proven to them all that when push came to shove, April could take care of herself. _

_Even so, Jackson felt this pull to look out for her. _

"Dude! What are you doing here?"

Jackson blinked wearily as he looked up from his drink to see his former roommate and his wife Jo leaning against the bar near where he was sitting. They were grinning and mirroring body language in that sickening way that just made Jackson feel hollow. Of all his friends from residency, the fact the Alex Karev of all people had gotten a happy ending (complete with a house, marriage and a daughter) was a little baffling to Jackson. They were friends, but Alex could still rub people the wrong way. A decade ago people at the hospital were surprised Alex and Jo even became friends, let alone romantically involved.

And, save for a few minor bumps along the way, the couple had very few complications as far as Jackson could see.

He lifted his beer bottle, "What does it look like I'm doing?"

"Moping," Alex shrugged. "Surprise, surprise."

Jackson only glared. Jo smiled at him sadly and gestured behind her before turning and walking away, "Alex, I'm just gonna go grab us a booth."

Her husband nodded, "Cool. I'll be there in a sec."

Sighing, Jackson lifted his beer bottle to his mouth and polished off the last swallow before muttering, "What are you guys doing here? Where's Jessica?"

Alex crossed his arms across his chest proudly, "It's date night. Pawned the squirt off on Ross."

"You come to Joe's bar for date night? Not really that romantic, is it?"

"Whatever," the pediatric surgeon smirked. "It's got sentimental value."

Once Karev and Wilson came together, they'd stayed together. In the gossip and chatter that Jackson endured as a normal part of working at Grey Sloan Memorial, the general theory people had about the success of the Karev's as a couple was that they'd had a strong foundation of friendship to begin with.

He snorted at the irony. He and April had been friends for years longer than Alex and Jo. It just felt unfair. Especially when Jackson was still alone.

Not that Jackson wasn't happy for Karev in a sense. He deserved the family he had. The guy had a tough background, and beneath his somewhat crusty exterior Alex was a decent man. And a hell of a surgeon.

April had helped him understand that when the three of them briefly shared an apartment during their 5th year.

_It was dark and damp as Jackson and April walked slowly side by side down a path in the deserted park near their new apartment. Middle of the night strolls had become a bit of a regular thing since they'd moved out of Meredith's house. The walks were welcome breaks in the never ending and grueling process of studying for boards. Jackson knew it was a necessary part of becoming a full attending surgeon, but the whole test was still daunting. _

_For one thing, he'd began studying later than anyone else, underestimating the magnitude of the examination and being too wrapped up in trying to sort things out between himself and Lexie to deal with much else. Now, both April and Sloan were helping Jackson to catch up, for which he would always be grateful._

_Failing would be unbecoming of an Avery. _

_Feeling the need to break the silence April suddenly blurted out, "Uh...so, where are you looking to do your fellowship?" _

_It wasn't the first time in recent days that April had busted out with some random question or comment out of the blue. Jackson knew that helping him to study, continuing as chief resident, and studying for herself left April a bit on edge. She wasn't exactly the most relaxed person to begin with, and so the stress of dealing with many competing pressures at once was probably taking a toll. She'd been acting a bit weird lately._

_ Then again, he knew that being his study buddy wasn't an easy task. He complained and whined and sometimes got a little frustrated when he answered a question wrong. Even Sloan noticed that. __And at least April's response to his stress wasn't like Mark's. His mentor had been going around the hospital trying to find Jackson a hook up, much to his embarrassment. For 'stress relief' apparently. The plastic's posse now had a pimp. Just what they needed._

_At least April didn't know about that._

_"Well," Jackson shrugged, shoving his hands deep into his jeans pockets. "Aside from Mass Gen...I'd really go anywhere that'll take me..."  
_

_"__I've already been researching places I might go," April gushed. "Like...maybe Case Western Reserve in Cleveland, they've got a really great ER system. Some of the fastest turnaround times in the country. And it's only two hours from home. Or maybe I could go to UVA. They have a huge trauma budget."_

_Jackson tried not to acknowledge the feeling of sadness that filled his chest when he thought about not living and working in the same place as April Kepner. She'd been such an important and constant part of his life for so long. From his days as an intern at Mercy West to life after the merger and everything else. He'd come to rely on her. _

_"There are a ton of really good plastics fellowships," April continued quietly looking at her hands and nervously biting her lip. "Surely you have somewhere in mind. M-maybe just a region?" _

_"Not really. I like Sloan, so I might stay." He ducked his head and watched his feet as the walked along. "I mean, it's not like my case history is super stellar anyway. I probably couldn't even get into the top plastics programs." _

_April stepped directly in front of Jackson, grabbing his shoulders suddenly and bringing their stroll to an abrupt halt. She pushed him gently and said, "Stop saying that. Don't doubt yourself! You're an excellent surgeon. You have plenty of good outcomes. I've seen you. You're the Gunther. "_

_He snorted at her enthusiasm, "Lotta good that did me. Sloan and Robbins didn't even let me touch my first solo cleft patient." _

_Even months later, the incident still smarted. Jackson had allowed himself to get pushed out of his own first fifth year surgery. He'd let his superiors freak him out. April was his best friend. That's why she gave him pep talks in her own babbling sort of way. It was her job to have his back. Didn't mean any of it was actually true._

_Though the gesture was appreciated. _

_Jackson smirked and easily side stepped the shorter red head, continuing down the empty park path. He took long strides and looked over his shoulder as April moved to quickly follow him. _

_"Jackson, wait!" April called breathlessly._

_He could tell that she thought he was really down on himself. Which he wasn't. That much anyway. He knew he was no Harper Avery, so obtaining a lesser plastics fellowship wouldn't be that big of a deal, so long as he could pass his board exams. He was trying to just focus on being Jackson Avery. Still, he couldn't resist the urge to tease his friend's sympathy just a little bit. _

_"Speaking of which," he continued, turning and walking backwards so he could see her reaction. "I haven't forgiven you for selling me out that day. What does 'between you and me' mean? Where was your Mercy West loyalty?"_

_April guffawed, coming to a stop and resting her hands on her hips, "Jackson." _

_By now it was clear that she knew he was joking, but Jackson continued with a grin, "I lost a very important bet because of you." _

_"It was terrible. Betting on outcomes is just...terrible." _

_"Maybe," Jackson conceded, walking back to April on the path and playfully nudging her shoulder. "But you did you have to do throw me under the bus to cover for Karev?"_

_As they started walking again, April's face became more serious, "I assisted with his patient that day, Jackson. He did everything right. It was just one of those cases where that doesn't matter. Even when you've done everything you can to help them. I wasn't covering for Alex...he did everything he could. Everything. And you...well__ y__ou just needed to have more confidence in yourself. Confidence is always your problem. Leading skills labs helped with that anyway. Y_ou didn't need to win the bet, Jackson. And that day, Alex needed to not lose."

___"Oh..."_

She had a way of finding compassion for everyone that he'd always admired.

"Avery? Earth to Avery?"

Jackson looked up sheepishly, knowing that he'd totally zoned out. Alex was still standing next to him, with an uncomfortable yet concerned look on his face. He grabbed a handful of peanuts and gestured to the bar tender.

"This man needs another beer." Watching Jackson out of the corner of his eye, Alex added, "And a BLT."

A new bottle appeared in front over Jackson and he lifted it to his mouth before mumbling, "Just go, Karev. Go enjoy your date night."

"I will," his friend replied, leaning in. "But first I gotta help you out, dude. You're like freaking depressed ever since the Harper Avery Awards. More than usual. People are getting worried."

"What people?" Jackson scoffed. Being chairman of the board had always made him feel set apart from his friends. He wasn't in the plane crash group and he only held his position because he was an Avery.

That isolation only magnified after April left, and as he joined the administration of more and more hospitals. At the same time, he knew he had some role in his distance from his colleagues. Jackson kept his cards close to the belt. He didn't easily share with people, even those he considered to be friends.

"Mer and Yang. Kind of. And Torres."

"Even you?"

"Whatever," Alex shrugged. "I guess. I'm just trying to help you out."

"Oh yeah?" Jackson sighed. He supposed he should really appreciate the concern that Alex and the others had for him, but it did little to pull him from his malaise. "I don't really think you can."

The bartender appeared with the BLT and Karev tapped the plate proudly, "Dude, I already am."

Jackson raised his eyebrows in confusion, "What?"

"Bacon," Alex grinned smugly and pointed to the sandwich. "One of the two keys to perfect happiness."

"And the other?" he replied skeptically.

"Sex. Happiness is bacon and sex. You're having a dry spell, dude. I get it, I've been there. Single life, all that. Easy enough to fix," Karev turned around and began scanning the women in the room, making Jackson swallow uncomfortably. He didn't need Alex Karev finding him a hook up.

Once, Jackson had been one to...well, literally bury his woes and problems in the body of a willing woman. He could admit that to himself. He'd used fun and easy relationships to distract himself from all the things he didn't want to think about. It was a way for him to withdraw and ignore emotions that overwhelmed him. A one night stand or a half-assed relationship had helped him coast along for years, allowing him to function without really facing or acknowledging how lost he really was. Or how much he really felt.

And not just about April. About work, what he wanted in his career, and about being an Avery. Sex felt good and could mask everything.

But Jackson just didn't think he could do that anymore. He'd gotten an earful from more than a few women over the years, for leading them on. Heck, he'd nominally dated Stephanie Edwards (from her perspective) for almost a year before she'd had enough and called him out for being a douche. He knew the method really wasn't fair to many of the people he'd used. Nor was it fair to Jackson himself.

At this point in his life, Jackson was aware he couldn't carry on in the painful holding pattern that had turned out to occupy the entirety of his thirties. His mother was right. He might not be able to fix everything that was wrong with his life, but Jackson now desperately wanted to work to resolve it.

He was tired of being stuck.

Gingerly lifting the BLT off of the plate in front of him, Jackson shook his head, "No thanks man. I'll just stick to the bacon..."

"Come on," Alex pushed. "You could have a happy ending tonight if you put your mind to it."

Jackson shook his head and mumbled without much thought, "That's not exactly the happy ending I'm looking for..."

Both men froze. They'd just crossed over into that awkward territory of honest emotional and personal talk. It was an avenue of discussion that they generally tried to avoid at all costs. Alex winced uncomfortably, and Jackson ducked his head, hoping against hope that his friend had either not heard his words, or that he wouldn't acknowledge them...

But of course, Karev cleared his throat and answered, "I'm not sure I can help you if you're gonna get all sappy, dude."

"I never asked for your help in the first place," Jackson snapped turning away from Alex and taking a big swallow of his beer.

It seemed that that was almost enough to absolve Alex of whatever duty he felt he had in this whole situation, because he stepped back from the bar and started to head over to join his wife.

Then something made him pause and he asked Jackson a question, "It's freaking Kepner isn't it?"

April Kepner was not a subject Jackson spoke about open or freely with anyone. He honestly didn't know how much any of his coworkers knew about what had gone on between them. The fact that they'd hooked up was fairly common knowledge among his coworkers, but the details of the break up and the mess that followed was something Jackson just didn't discuss. He'd only recently come clean with the whole truth to his own mother.

But Jackson supposed there might also be ways for his friends to infer that his feelings for April ran deep. Derek Shepherd might have guessed when Jackson returned from Ohio after April was hurt, clutching copies of all her brain scans, and demanding that he take a second look, just to make sure that the neurology hacks that could only be in Ohio, weren't wrong about their optimistic prognosis for recovery. And Meredith Grey probably knew something was up when she saw that Jackson advocated that they leave April's old trauma position open for months longer than they normally would, just because he was holding out hope that his friend might come back.

"Seeing her again in Boston. It's got you thinking," Alex added when Jackson provided no answer to his question.

And the fact that Jackson had opted to stay in Seattle, in charge of the hospital, while all the rest of them went to April and Matthew's wedding, was probably another big clue about how much he cared to anyone that might be paying attention.

"It's gotta be Kepner. You went from being like BFF's to fuck buddies to not talking and whatever. That's not normal. Something has to be up. I just thought...you let her marry what's his face so, you'd moved on and Kepner, I mean she's always been a little-"

"Don't call her weird," Jackson interjected wearily.

"Okay, so April's always been a little," Alex rolled his eyes and lifted his fingers in lazy air quotes. "'You know what I am going to say, but you don't want me to say it about her'. She seems happy enough with the paramedic dude, and he's cool with the 's as dorky as she is. I thought you and her were just one of those hookups that was great while it lasted and just didn't work out. But now I'm thinking you've kinda been hung up on her for a freaking long time."

Jackson supposed he just never thought that Alex might be one of the people paying attention. He spun his bottle on a circle on the dark bar top, leaving rings of condensation on the dark surface.

"Maybe I am. Maybe I always have been. I...I want her."

Alex shook his head, "Holy crap...you're just figuring this out? She's freaking married, Avery."

"I _know,_" Jackson growled. He didn't need anyone to point it out to him. The fact that April Kepner was married to Matthew Taylor was one of which he was painfully aware.

"That sucks, dude," Alex continued. "You didn't realize back then? I mean you were banging her for a bit, and you were her first so..."

"I didn't know how I felt back then. I mean, I did, but I didn't and I don't know why I couldn't just tell her...it's all messed up," Jackson explained, realizing that maybe his first beer had a greater impact on him than he realized. "And now, my life is empty. It's my own fault. And I asked her to call me. When I saw her in Boston and she hasn't called and I don't think she will."

There. He'd said it. Told the truth to someone else. Jackson had shared his feelings with exactly two people. His mother and Alex Karev.

Alex's lip curled as he took it all in. "Damn."

"I just want to talk to her..." Jackson explained. "I'm not trying to...manipulate her or make her uncomfortable or anything. I just want to talk to her again. I know she's moved on and she's married and all of that."

"Wow...that's...that's a lot." His friend seemed genuinely at a loss for words.

"I miss her," Jackson admitted. "I miss her so much it hurts."

Letting out a puff of air, Alex leaned on the bar and pursed his lips, "I gotta say...I mean, if I was that Matt dude, I wouldn't want my wife calling some old flame."

Jackson looked down dejectedly, "You don't think she's going to call..."

"I didn't say that," his shorter friend held up a finger. "I said her husband probably would be pissed about her calling if he knew. That doesn't mean she won't do it."

"It's been 5 weeks. She's not going to call..."

"This is April Kepner we're talking about, Avery. I don't think she'll leave you high and dry. I was a total ass to her for years, and she still sends me a freaking Christmas card. She's probably just getting her shit together. Figuring out what to say. Trying to find the right time, when hubby isn't around. Or whatever."

Alex winced and scratched his neck, "I mean, I don't know how she feels...about you and all, but you were her _one_ friend for years. All of residency. Crap like that matters to her, so if nothing else, she'll call to honor that."

Jackson frowned. He could see logic of all things in what Alex was saying. He still didn't hold out much hope of hearing from April.

"Alex?" The men looked back to see Jo approach the bar again. "Everything okay? I can pull over another chair or something if Jackson needs to join us."

Karev scowled and walked over to join his wife, wrapping an arm around her shoulder, "He most certainly does not."

Chuckling at how eager Alex was not to have Jackson join in on his date night Jackson shook his head, "No thanks, Jo. I'm okay. Enjoy your night. He's done his due diligence. I'm fine. I've got bacon now."

Confusion filled Jo's face and she didn't look convinced but Alex grabbed her hand, leading her away from the bar and calling over his shoulder, nn final word of advice.

"She'll call, Jackson. She will. It will come when you least expect it."

As they left Jackson alone to eat his sandwich, he couldn't help but remember another call that came out of the blue when he wasn't expecting it, several months after April left Seattle. That call was frantic and terrifying and it should have changed everything for Jackson when it came to April. In a sense the chain of events that the call set into motion did change things between them, but not in a way Jackson was proud of.

_Jackson almost didn't pick up when his phone rang just after he got out of a grueling 7 hour surgery. He was tired and cranky and really didn't want to deal with whoever was on the other end of the line. Glancing at the phone, Jackson had been even more determined not to pick it up because he didn't even recognize the number._

_In fact, the only reason he did pick up was to avoid having a conversation with his sort of girlfriend, Stephanie. He pulled the vibrating phone from his pocket and shrugged apologetically as the young resident pouted. _

_"Uh, sorry," Jackson fumbled feeling like a douche. All she wanted was to go out to Joe's after work with him. It really wasn't that much to ask, given how little they actually did together (aside from sex) during the course of their whole relationship. _

_But Jackson just wasn't in the mood. Lately he never was, ever since April had left for Cleveland. He could tell that someday soon, Stephanie would stop putting up with him. _

_"I gotta take this."_

_Stephanie rolled her eyes and brushed past him down the darkened hallway, "Of course you do." _

_He didn't even bother offering a half promise to meet up with her later. Some nights he might. But this evening Jackson just didn't want to. Even for a quick romp._

_The phone was still buzzing so Jackson flicked the screen, holding it up to his ear, "Hello?" _

_"Oh my God." _

_The voice was familiar. Tearful and shaky. For a split second Jackson thought it was April. Probably just wishful thinking._

_"Hello?" _

_The caller's voice cracked and she took a deep breath, "Uh, sorry I...is this Dr. Jackson Avery?"_

_His brow furrowed, "Yeah. This is he. Who am I speaking with?" _

_"Um, I'm Alice K-Kepner...April's sister," her voice trailed off into a sob. _

_One of her sisters calling him? Something was very clearly not right. Alice seemed to be doing her best to remain coherent and was on the verge of hyperventilating. _

_Jackson tried to keep his voice calm in the face of Alice's obvious distress, despite the creeping doubts that appeared on the edges of his mind, "Nice to meet you, Alice. Is everything alright?"_

_"I don't-I don't know if you heard about the t-tornado in Orrville today? Well, there were 4 in 3 hours. Or 4 in 3 hours...I don't really-Ohio doesn't usually have tornadoes actually...I mean, we didn't before. When I was a kid. They u-used to be r-really rare but these past few years...I read online that it has t-to do with shifting weather patters across the United States..."_

_The not quite to the point rambling was so achingly familiar that it almost took his breath away. _

_"Alice?" Jackson prodded gently, more determined than ever to quickly get to the bottom of whatever it was that April's youngest sister was trying to tell him. "What's happened?"_

___"She was there. In Orrville, with other doctors from her department...to help people there after the first one..."_

___Oh crap._

___ Something bad had obviously transpired. Tornadoes were no joke. And the idea of April being anywhere near one? A lump formed in his throat. This couldn't be happening. It shouldn't be. April shouldn't even be there. She should be in Seattle. If not for him, Jackson knew that she probably would have stayed. And though he knew wouldn't like what was going to come next, but he had to press. _

___"And?" _

_"April's hurt," the young woman replied with a whimper._

_Everything seemed to slow down. Jackson was unaware of the hospital around him or even the wall he leaned up against for support. He only cared to concentrate on the shaky voice in his ear._

_"How bad?"_

_Alice took a deep breath that he could only hope was steadying, before she stammered, "They said-they said she hit her head. Or something hit her head. Maybe twice? They are checking for a skull fracture. Um, and she's got __lots of cuts from broken glass. Collar bone might be broken too. The hospital she was in roof collapsed or blew off or something, I-I don't really know. They won't let me see her. They just brought her back to Case Western and...they're saying she's having s-seizures or something. From pressure? M__ight need a crani- crani-__"_

_"Craniotomy." _

_Jackson swallowed anxiously. That was serious. Possibly even indicative of TBI. And for April that was just unthinkable. He literally couldn't process it. How could it be that so many people in his life ended up having brushes with death? And so many of those had ended up with actual death._

_ Reed, Charles, Mark, Lexie. Dr. Webber. _

_Dead._

_Derek, Meredith, Cristina, Robbins, Torres, and even Alex. _

_Nearly dead. _

_And now April, who was probably the best friend Jackson had ever had, the one person he'd allowed himself to become closest to in his entire life, was seizing and probably bleeding into her brain somewhere in Ohio. All the while, while he was on bad terms with her. It was just too much. _

___"My boyfriend is out of town and my parents aren't h-here yet," Alice continued. "They are driving in with Libby and her husband's home with the kids and no one else is here. It's only me and ____I don't-don't really know the medical stuff. I know you're her friend...and you're a doctor too.T_hat's why I called you. I got your number from April's phone."

_It felt like his tongue was caught in his throat. He felt like a fool. Everything, all the stuff that had happened between them, suddenly seemed so irrelevant to Jackson. He just wanted April to be okay. He'd give anything for her to be okay._

_"Oh God," Alice sobbed, seemingly having lost all ability to maintain her composure. __"I'm scared..."_

___Jackson could remember April telling him animated stories about her family and life growing up on her parents farm in Moline, Ohio over the years. Her sisters were a topic of particular interest, since he always seemed to have trouble understanding all the sibling stuff. Jackson had enjoyed being an only child for the most part. Growing up, it was just him and his mother, along with some occasional interactions with his grandfather and other extended family, and even that had felt like it was mostly just the relatives dismissing him for being pretty._

___But hearing April's numerous stories about life with her family in Moline, Jackson did have to wonder._

___From her stories, Jackson also knew that of the three sisters, April and Alice had a particularly close bond with each other. She'd told him how happy she remembered feeling when the youngest Kepner was born. The 6 year old had delighted in finally no longer being the middle child, and took Alice under her wing. Given that closeness, Jackson could understand the panic response the young woman was having. _

___Hell, here he was, desperately leaning against a wall in the hospital. He was having a bit of a panic himself. He didn't want to fear the worst, but damned if he wasn't scared too. _

___April wouldn't want either of them to be frightened. _

___"Alice," Jackson tried to comfort. "If she just got there, they probably are not letting you see her until she is more stable. That's all. Especially if they need to prep her for a procedure. Vitals can fluctuate a lot during a transfer." _

___"Yeah?"_

___"Mhmm...it sounds like they are taking really good care of April. She..." His voice wavered, and he gulped hard, trying to maintain his calm facade. "She always said Case Western had some of the best ER times in the country. I'm sure you'll hear something soon." _

___"I hope so." _

___"I know so. Head injuries are unpredictable. They are just making sure everything is stable before they update you. I've done the same thing with patient's families a bunch of times." _

___Jackson frowned when she didn't respond, so he pressed, "But you know what? I'm gonna stay on the phone with you. We don't even have to talk. I'll just stay on until they talk to you, or until your parents get there, okay?"_

___"Okay."_

___In that moment, everything became clear to Jackson. For the first time in a long time actually, he felt like he actually knew what he had to do and where he had to be. Who needed him and what he might be able to do to help. The sudden feeling of knowing, of certainty, cut through all the rest of the panicked, sickening, regretful emotions that paralyzed him here in the hallway. _

___He knew what he had to do. He knew where he belonged. _

___"Alice," Jackson said urgently. "__I need you to listen to me." _

_"Okay..."_

_He began walking toward the attendings lounge at a break neck pace to change his clothes and gather his belongings, "I am going to book the first flight I can find to Cleveland, okay? I'll be there as soon as I can."_

_"I...You don't have to, I'm sorry...I didn't mean to make you feel like you have to-"_

_"Your sister is-" Jackson swallowed. "Your sister matters more to me than you understand. I'm flying out there."_

April called him at 10:31 pm on the Wednesday of the sixth week.

Jackson was at home, alone watching the sports recap on the ten o'clock news when he heard the sound of his phone rattling on the hard wooden surface of his kitchen table. Again, he almost didn't answer it. He was relatively comfortable and it was late, and he'd just been contemplating going to bed.

But something drew him to stand up and at least check who the call was from. And once Jackson saw that the number was from Ohio, all bets were off. It was April. He stood up a little straighter, reaching out and picking up the phone.

Finally, the call he'd been waiting for. The call he'd thought would never come.

Jackson took a deep breath. He'd been desperate for this. But now he was a little afraid. More than a little afraid actually.

He pressed the answer button, and greeted, "Hello? April?"

She didn't speak right away. But Jackson could tell it was her. He could hear her breathing. He knew what her breathing sounded like. He remembered.

Already the call felt tense.

"It's really late for you, isn't it?" Jackson continued, trying his best to make some sort of small talk. "You guys are Eastern time, right? So, it's like 1:30 in the morning for you..."

Jackson winced as he heard April expel a puff of air. The kind of sigh a person gave in irritation, not amusement. Almost a snort. Then again, he had just stated the obvious.

"Night shift at work?" he surmised after a long period of silence. He returned to the couch and slumped back into it's comfy depths, muting his tv. Jackson was starting to wonder whether this conversation was going to be completely one-sided.

April still didn't answer.

"April?" he tried again. "Are you there?"

Finally, she did answer, in clipped tones and with such a cold voice that Jackson almost shivered.

"You said we should _talk_, Jackson. So let's talk. Cut all this pretense and really really talk."

Apparently small talk was out for the evening.

* * *

April had no idea what the hell she was doing. She honestly hadn't even intended on calling Jackson tonight. Or maybe ever.

After all these years, he suddenly had the nerve to ask her to all him. Like he actually wanted to air out all those pesky and devastating issues that had caused much of the damaging rift that now stood between them.

Why now? April didn't see much, if any, good that could come from them discussing things. The ship, as they say, had sailed. And it irked her too, that seemingly yet again, Jackson was dictating things all on his terms. Just like he had when he'd broken up with her after the pregnancy scare. And when he'd rejected her during the Seattle storm. And like when he'd disappeared on her when she was in the hospital.

Spinning slowly from side to side in her desk chair, April surveyed the photographs on her desk as she listened to Jackson fumble at her directness.

Her eyes settled on one of her and Lindsey from the previous Christmas day. It was the little girl's favorite holiday, and she'd been more than a little hyper. Sometimes it could be annoying and even worrying, but April adored how open and uninhibited her daughter really was. And how free she could make April feel. In the picture, both she and Lindsey were mugging for the camera, tongues out, eyes closed and and with Lindsey's arm in the air. They'd both been particularly happy with their Christmas gifts, but for the purpose of photographic silence they both had pretended to be displeased.

April couldn't say that she'd never daydreamed about what a child of her and Jackson might be like. She'd be lying if she denied it. The images plagued her mind, particularly during both her pregnancies. Followed closely of course by intense guilt. You are not supposed to dream about children you will never have at the exact time you are preparing to give birth to the ones you will have. April knew that. And she did love her children.

Generally, she tried to push past the thoughts when they came, knowing that it was pretty disloyal to her own children to wonder whether her child with Jackson would have his eyes or nose. What personality she might have. Whether he would struggle with his identity as an Avery as much as Jackson had. There were just so many possibilities to consider. And since seeing Jackson in Boston, the thoughts seemed to always be there. Speaking with him made them surface even more.

April knew that if she had been pregnant 10 years ago, everything would be different.

But things were not different. April had a life, a job, and a family in Ohio with Matthew now. And there was just nothing that could come from them 'talking' like Jackson wanted. So for the past six weeks, April just wasn't sure what to do. Initially after they'd returned from Boston, she'd left the little business card he gave her pants pocket. She hadn't wanted to face any of it.

But of course April had to be the one woman on the planet who's husband actually took the initiative to do laundry.

_April squinted, trying to decipher the looping strokes of her son's handwriting as she checked over his homework. Jake had a spelling test coming up, and so far it seemed that the boy would probably have to spend some extra time reviewing his work. She smiled faintly. He always did better with numbers than words. A lot like her, actually. _

_Matthew strolled into the kitchen, swallowing awkwardly and carrying a laundry hamper on his hip, "I'm just doing a load of darks..."_

_April nodded as he walked over to the washer and began to unload their combined clothes. He typically tended to leave this particular chore for April, favoring cooking, automotive, and lawn maintenance as his go to chores. But lately Matthew was eager to do laundry as well. Which made April feel a little guilty._

_Because Matthew was always maddeningly trying to be a good husband. And she knew in her heart of hearts that she didn't put in half as much effort to be as good a spouse to him as he did her._

_It was a good time of night to get things done. Both kids were playing in the living room, relishing their hour of television for the evening before they had to go to bed. She returned to looking over Jake's homework. _

_"What's this?" Matthew asked suddenly, lifting a small gray card from an out turned pocket. _

_"Hmm?" April answered distractedly, as she crossed out another extra vowel from Jake's spelling practice. _

_"Avery gave you his card." _

_Her head snapped up and she blinked, trying to act like it was no bid deal. She shrugged, "Yeah. I...I'd forgotten about it until now."_

_Liar liar pants on fire. _

_"Oh," Matthew frowned. "Did you want to call him?" _

___April didn't know yet so she replied,"Jackson says he...misses me. He wants to try being friends again."_

___Probably best to leave out the whole 'not saying I love you back was the biggest mistake of my life' part. _

___"I'll bet," her husband snorted __disdainfully, rolling his eyes. "He's just trying to draw you back in." _

_She felt her metaphorical hackles rise. April could hardly figure out why Jackson had really asked her to call and at one point she'd known him better than anyone else. What the hell did Matthew know about why Jackson behaved the way he did? _

_"Or he just wants to reconnect. We were very close friends before...everything happened." _

_Matt folded up the card and walked over to the sink, pulling open the cabinet beneath, and leaning forward to deposit it in the trash, "I doubt it. He sees what he missed out on and now he feels like an idiot. We have a great life, and he doesn't, and he's pissed he didn't try to accept you ten years ago. But he is an arrogant trust fund baby whose been handed everything in his life on the silver spoon of nepotism, so he thinks he can get whatever he wants whenever he wants-"_

_That pissed her off even more. Matthew didn't know the first thing about Jackson or his abilities. Yes, being an Avery had played a huge role in Jackson's life, but it had also caused him a lot of heartache. And she knew first hand that he was a damned good plastic surgeon, and a better leader than he gave himself credit for. Matthew knew nothing._

_Nothing._

_"Hey!" April interrupted tersely. "What do you think you're doing?"_

_Matthew paused and pursed his lips, "Do you wanna call him?"_

_"I don't know!"_

_"I don't think you should." _

_April's eyes widened and her nostrils flared. She didn't know whether or not she would place a phone call to Jackson Avery, but she damned well knew that the decision was hers and hers alone to make and not Matthew's. __  
_

_"You can't tell me what to do, Matthew," she snapped coldly. _

_"Fine," Matthew sighed, backing down quicker than she'd expected and placing the card next to her. "But, I think you should throw this out." _

_Swiftly grabbing hold of the small paper, April rolled her eyes sarcastically, "Your opinion is noted."_

These days, it was hard for April to tell exactly who she was mad at. Matthew, Jackson, or herself? Probably all three.

She just knew that she was angry.

Of course, April couldn't bring herself to throw Jackson's number away. And a five weeks later, here she was hiding out in her office in the middle of an exceptionally slow night shift, on the phone with him.

On the other end of the line, she heard Jackson swallow, "So, you really wanna just...jump right into this."

April smacked her lips in frustration and rolled her eyes, "Unless you wanna wait another ten years?"

"No! I just thought-"

"What? What did you think, Jackson?" she demanded. "I'm not sure what you have in mind with all this, but you asked me to call. So I'm calling. And if you don't have anything of substance to say, I have plenty of other things I could be doing right now, so I might as well just hang up."

"No!" Jackson repeated almost desperately. "Don't hang up. I just thought we...we could maybe try to talk through what happened with us after we broke up? I mean, to move forward. Past all the mistakes. I'm tired of being stuck like this."

Oh, this was going to be rich.

April's lip curled into a snarl, "We weren't even ever _really_ together though, were we? It was all fun and games and sex, until someone had a pregnancy scare."

She didn't really think that their brief sexual relationship amounted to something quite that simple, or quite that sordid. Or maybe she just didn't want to admit that a series of events that had impacted her so profoundly might really something that insignificant. That her first experiences with sex could really have just been fueled by lust and hormones and not something more meaningful. At least on Jackson's end. It was hard for her to find the words to describe what they'd shared.

But she'd had a lot of time to think and process what had happened and April knew that whatever it was they'd been doing together back during that first year of their fellowships, it wasn't dating. Hugs and hookups did not a relationship make.

Skulking around from on call room to on call room and fucking each other's brains out was hardly something April would ever call a relationship, especially given that now she'd been in an actual marriage for over eight years. Much as it angered April to talk with Matt from time to time, at least they talked. Communication was the major failing between herself and Jackson and she'd learned it was essential to any real long lasting relationship.

Furthermore, when people were really dating, they went on actual dates. And they could change that pesky little relationship status on facebook so their friends knew that they were dating. And they didn't keep secrets from their families. An actual relationship, and _actual_ dating was about so much more than just sex.

"That's not what happened. I can't believe you think that. We were dating," Jackson answered, the certainty in his voice both surprising and angering April so much that she sat up straight in her chair.

"Oh?" April snapped. "How was I supposed to know that? We never said anything."

"I told you I had feelings..."

A groan caught in her throat. Ah, yes. She remembered the conversation well. She'd played it over and over again in her mind as she lay sobbing into her pillow the night Jackson had initially broken things off with her. And she'd gone back there again, when Jackson had rebuffed her during the storm. And again when she found out that he'd flown back to Seattle after her surgery.

Jackson had said he had feelings. A lot of them. For her and about her. It was the only and last concrete insight she'd ever gotten into how he really felt in all of this. Well, until he told her in Boston that he had regrets. So he'd had feelings. _Feelings. _

April hadn't found certainty in those words ten years ago and she didn't find it now. "What does that even mean, Jackson?"

"It means," Jackson snarled. "I cared for you. I _care_ for you!"

His use of the present tense surprised April, but she wasn't really sure what to make of it. She could hear that he was getting angry now too. Whatever. If this call turned out to be a throw down, no holds barred fight, then so be it. April had all this anger inside anyway. At least she'd get some of it out.

"Oh, okay then, you cared so much about me that you waited all of a minute and a half to go sleep with an intern."

"You set me up with her!"

"As a date to a wedding, not for...for-"

"April, it wasn't like I was cheating on your or anything, it was after we broke up."

'We.'

Again, a man in April's life foisting a 'we' on her that she didn't want.

"We? You're the one who who ended things!" April retorted. "What happened to all your 'caring feelings' when you decided that me not being pregnant was probably a sign that we should stop? I wanted to keep dating. I was willing to go on the pill for you!"

She realized with a frown how juvenile and petty that last bit sounded. But at the time, it had felt like a huge decision. Going on the pill and continuing to sleep with Jackson would have marked a hugely definitive turning point in how April defined her personal values as well as her faith. And she'd been willing and eager to go there, once all the stress and panic about the baby was gone. But, instead that night had ended with her sitting alone on a bench. Dumped. And she'd revirginized _again_, and abstained from sex up until her wedding night.

All that had evolved in terms of her personal beliefs was a ragging case of cynicism. Which really added to her whole host of awesome and easily accepted personality traits. She was a neurotic, a perfectionist, and a debbie downer. Certainly explained how many friends she had in Ohio. Hard to believe that she could be less popular in Cleveland than she had been in Seattle.

But it was true. Outside of church, family, and old high school people, April didn't really think she had any friends. She made nice with a lot of the wives of Matthew's buddies, but she didn't really let any of them get too close to her. Even her own sisters had to be kept at arms length too in a lot of ways. April was afraid if people looked to closely at the facade of her life they might see all the cracks. And so, no one, not her mother, Libby, Kimmie, or even Alice knew the truth about her past with Jackson. Or how she'd ended up marrying Matthew.

The wedge it created between them hurt April, but what else was new? A lot of things in life hurt. She supposed it was her lot in life to be a loner. She'd lost the best friend she'd ever had, and mostly through her own actions. She probably didn't deserve another.

"Well, it wasn't exactly like I had much choice," Jackson grumbled. "You were so relieved not to _have _to be married to me..."

April's shoulders sagged. She knew she was at fault for a lot of the things that went on. She'd struggled a lot, and taken Jackson's presence and support in her life for granted. Words had been her downfall. As ever. Her mouth ran a lot faster than her brain, and she'd said things that she now _knew_ had hurt him. But at the time, April had just been so caught up in the whirlwind of it all. She'd never really stopped to consider things on Jackson's end, since she'd assumed that for him, sex and relationships were old hat.

April had been selfish, but she never meant to hurt him.

A person's first sexual relationship felt..._so _big, and it was easy to over think and to say things you didn't mean. She'd seen that with Matthew, actually. In the first months of their relationship he'd been all awkward and insecure, and he'd said _plenty_ of dumb things. Turned out to be a very eye opening experience.

April swallowed and answered in a slightly less frustrated tone, "I'm sorry it came out like that, Jackson. I didn't think before I spoke. I really was just happy not to be pregnant."

"That's not the only stuff you said," Jackson replied petulantly. "Or the only time you said it. It was like...the straw that broke the camel's back. I mean, I know now that I over reacted a bit, but for crying out loud, April! You made me feel like crap after every time we made love."

She almost chuckled at his choice of words. It seemed so un-Jackson-like. As an idealistic teenager (and an idealistic adult) who'd spent probably way too much time reading sappy (and usually Christian) romance novels, April was once a big fan of the phrase. It sounded so beautiful. Like an act of art. Poetry and the truest expression of love or something like that. She'd really pretty much held on to her preference for the phrase right up until the whole debacle with Jackson.

And ever since then she'd been more cynical.

April had sex with Matthew. They didn't make love. They satisfied each others needs, fulfilled the obligations of a marriage, and generally had a decent time. In the beginning her husband had needed a little guidance, but based on what she heard from others, April was pretty sure she could say that her marriage had a pretty ordinary sex life. Nothing mind blowing. Nothing like in her books. She could use a myriad of euphemisms to talk about it with her sisters; carnivals, chimney sweeps, and oil changes. Even hay rolling.

But she'd never thought to describe any of her experiences of sex with her husband as lovemaking. April wasn't certain she could categorize any of her experiences with sex as making love.

Much as she wished she could.

_The adrenaline and the afterglow was starting to ware off and the panic was starting to set in, and April felt the smile fade away. Her breathing evened out as she came down from the high, and her mind started racing. It wasn't supposed to be like this. She wasn't supposed to be this weak and susceptible to desire. Not after years of praying and waiting. _

_The only other time she'd even come close to this with Alex in an on call room, she'd largely attributed to her own mini version of shock related to the Gary Clark shooting. Staring down the barrel of a gun had put a lot of things in perspective for April. She knew she was kind of behind in the timeline of her life, at least in the romance department, and it had taken literally almost dying as a virgin to make her reconsider her teenage abstinence pledge. The experience had almost been enough to make her throw out the idea altogether, almost enough for her to just say to hell with it and sleep with Karev just to get it over with, so in the likely even that she never met her true love before she met death then at least her epitaph would not say: __'Here lies April Kepner. Virgin.' _

_Almost enough, but not quite. _

_Because Karev was as messed up as she was, but in a different way and he'd treated her like crap, and that was enough to remind her of why she'd made the abstinence promise in the first place. She'd remembered that no matter what, no matter how insecure or left out or annoying April felt, she still deserved better. Saving sex for marriage was what God wanted for her because God wanted her to find love. Being loved before dying was ultimately way more important that simply having a physical experience. Jesus must have had more confidence in April than she did for herself, because after the near incident with Alex, she'd recommitted herself to her plan of abstinence and held faith in the fact that her love would come. _

___God had a plan. At least, she'd thought He did. _

___Until she'd lost her virginity in a hotel room to Jackson Avery the night before her boards. April still couldn't believe she'd actually let her desires lead her to this moment. __This was supposed to happen on her wedding night, not the evening before one of the biggest exams of her life, and most importantly it was supposed to happen with her husband._

_It was supposed to be with her true love. And as much as April might have crushed on Jackson from afar, she doubted that guys like him turned out to be the true loves of girls like her._

_Even worse. The act itself had felt great. Way better than April imagined it would be. Better than the stories her sisters had shared of their first encounters with husbands and boyfriends. _

_She actually liked it. Sex felt really really good._

_Oh God. What had she done?_

_Jackson was still talking to her, leaning above her on one elbow, "So, you're okay?" _

_"Yeah, I'm fine," April replied, unable to look him in the eyes. "I'm just...tired._

_He laughed and mumbled affirmatively and she could just feel the awkwardness filling the room and the panic flowing up from her heart. April swallowed and blinked, and wondered what Jackson really thought about the whole thing. How much he must be judging her because, oh God, he really was as perfect naked as an imagination could conjure and she was entirely certain that his imagination had never pictured her naked in the first place and now he'd never ever want to because he knew __where her freckles ended,_ exactly which parts of her jiggled, which parts were shaved and which parts weren't, and how one boob was slightly smaller than the other and probably nothing like any of the model types he'd gotten with in the past and...

_Oh God, oh God, oh God. _

_"You should get some sleep." _

_A__pril tried to keep her words calm and normal, even though she really had no idea what 'normal' in a post coital context sounded like and honestly the one person she'd normally ask about tricky guy-girl stuff was Jackson but she couldn't ask him now because he was the guy she'd just had sex with and then he'd know that she was feeling anything but normal and it would surely make him feel bad and she really didn't want to make him feel bad, especially after he'd just made her feel so good. _

_Jackson chuckled and flopped on to his back, "Yeah, I should get some sleep." _

_She bit her lip and stared at the ceiling trying not to think of what her pastor back home would think of all of this. Or about how much more awkward this is going to be when she and Jackson wake up in the morning and had to get dressed and ready for the boards. What if it meant they'd be doing each other again in the morning? What did it mean if she kind of wanted to? The temptation was even more alluring once she'd already transgressed. _

_"Here, or?" _

_April felt a twinge of guilt when she realized that her first gut instinct is to seize on this and shout, "No!" Her thoughts were leaving her breathless and she just needed to be alone to quash them or at least silence them since, oh God boards are literally today because tonight's already turned into tomorrow and this can't really be conducive to doing well because she hasn't even thought of possible patient scenarios since before dinner and h__e wouldn't have offered to leave if he didn't really want to, right? _

_She had no idea how to handle this. _

_"Yeah," April replied shrilly as her eyes darted around the generic hotel room that would now be a memorably setting on the landscape of her life experiences. "Yeah. Or...or you could go..." _

_Hearing it out loud made her feel like a total she was being terribly rude, so April half heartedly added, "Don't you have to get your pencil?" _

_"It's the middle of the night," Jackson joked, laughing awkwardly, and she could just barely see him smiling at her out of the corner of her eye and even though it's not really funny she founds herself laughing too. _

_"Right." _

_"Yeah," he breathed, before adding nonchalantly. "But you know what? I could go if you want."_

___April carefully tilted her head to glance at him. Jackson was definitely watching her, measuring her, and she looked away again afraid he'll see to much. _

___"Yeah, you know what? I'll go," he sat up and looked down at her again. "And get some sleep." _

___"Okay."_

___She can't help but look at him now. Her eyes felt drawn to his like a magnet. But she didn't find the disgust or regret she expected to see in his gaze. Jackson looked happy. _

___Still looking pleased, he asked her one last time, "Are you sure you're okay?"_

___And April couldn't tell the truth. He seemed happy. Satisfied. At least for the night. She wasn't about to take that away. Especially, since she'd basically thrown herself at him. So she did her best to hold his gaze and make him believe her next words, ____"I'm great."_

___It seemed to have done the trick because Jackson practically beamed at her, and a grin appeared on his lips, "Then I'll see you tomorrow" _

___Then he leaned forward and kissed April so sweetly it took her breath away. Almost lovingly. Like she could close her eyes and pretend that this meant something, that this was more than what it was and that her best friend might actually cherish and love her the way a true love might. _

___But the moment was over all too soon, as Jackson sat up and walked away from the bed. He stared walking backwards in the room, retracing the steps that had led them to the bed and began gathering his clothes. He quickly threw on what he needed to and in a flash seemed to be gone. _

___She lifted her arm to her chest uncertainly, suddenly and acutely aware of his absence in the bed, as her racing thoughts consumed her mind and prevented her from finding rest. _

"I know," April answered in a voice barely above a whisper. "I know I made you feel bad and all I can say is I'm sorry. It was...I couldn't reconcile how I was feeling about making my promise to God to how I was feeling about...how good it felt-"

"All that religion was a lot to deal with," Jackson commented. "And then you like tried to erase everything all together? I know it mattered to you a lot, but Jesus, April? Revirginizing? Ridiculous. I've never even heard of that. It sounds made up."

April lifted her elbow to her desk and used her hand to hold up her head wearily. And here it was again, the other part of their issues when it came to the past. Communication and her faith. They'd never talked like this at the time they'd been sleeping together, and so the faith thing, along with everything else was ignored.

And Jackson had inadvertently revealed his thoughts on the subject to April a long time ago. She repeated his words, "Me and my nutjob beliefs..."

"I really was joking when I said that," he explained sadly. "I didn't mean it that way."

"It still hurt that you thought it." She never had the sense that he took her relationship with God seriously.

Jackson sighed, "I guess I just didn't understand."

"It feels like you didn't try to."

"Maybe not, but you never told me anything. I had no idea you were even like that until after we hooked up."

April rubbed her temple. That was true. She didn't disclose her faith to anyone because she feared their reactions. She'd had some bad responses in medical school and college that she really wasn't eager to repeat with her new peers. And certainly not with men she was attracted to. Back then, even at a state school in Ohio, guys had turned her down for dates, knowing that not only was she annoying, but also because they knew that at the end of putting up with all that annoying they certainly weren't going to get any. One guy had told her as much.

"Are you still there?"

She sighed, "Yeah."

"I really did want to marry you," Jackson said sadly. "Baby or not. When I said I was all in, I think I really meant it. Your reaction just threw me."

She swallowed roughly as she felt tears form in her eyes. April had never considered he felt that way. Nothing in what he'd said or done before and after the pregnancy scare really demonstrated that in her mind. She'd assumed it was all about obligation to his potential child. A potential future Avery.

Why on earth had Jackson never told her the truth until now?

"How all in could you have been if..." she swallowed again, feeling some of her anger return with a vengeance. "If that's all it took for you to walk away?"

"I just thought you didn't want that, you know?" Jackson continued. "I didn't think you wanted that with me. And so then when you said you did want me...I just thought that you were freaking out again like you always did. Since I almost died. I didn't think you meant it. You could have fought for me, you know? Stuck around a little longer after you broke up with Matthew? I would have seen, I would have understood-"

April rolled her eyes, "I didn't know there was anything there to fight for, since you shot me down twice when I spoke directly. You never spoke directly. Or, actually you did, and it wasn't exactly what I wanted to hear so...It was painful to stay. What was I supposed to do? Put my life on hold? Until when? Until now? Because this is the first time we've ever really dragged a lot of this out. I honestly thought there was no hope. I'm sorry Jackson, but I wasn't about to waste my entire life pining over a lost cause."

Her resentment was back at full force and April even was surprised by the venom of her own voice, "You _told_ me there was no hope. I told you I loved you, and you told me it was too hard. And then you were just gone. I woke up and you were gone."

She heard Jackson swallow hard, "I didn't think you remembered all of that..."

"I do."

_"I love you." _

_Once she said it, April realized even through the splitting pain that she'd been wanting to say that. Burning to say that to him for a long time, even though her perception of time at the moment was wrong and she knew it. _

_She remembered the roof blowing away and the sudden shock of looking up and seeing the gray stormy sky above the hallway. She remembered the cool sticky feeling of Reed's blood as it seeped into her scrubs. She remembered the world altering jolt she'd felt when the lighting fixture hit the side of her forehead. She remembered how proud her father looked on the day she'd received her acceptance letter to medical school. She remembered falling to her knees and holding her hands up to her head as the howling wind sucked up her howl of pain, adding it into the roar so no one could hear anything. She remembered that the wind blew away everything; both her blood and her tears._

_She remembered the first time she and Jackson shared a pizza. She remembered thinking that this was it, in the howling wind and searing pain; this was how April Kepner was going to die. She remembered the explosion of pain she felt when something else hard and metal impacted the back of her head and how quickly everything went black after that. She remembered giggling and kissing Jackson as he lifted her into the air. She remembered being awake on the ambulance. She remembered wishing that Jackson knew how much she loved him. She remembered __the pain in her head and the ache in her muscles as her limbs jerked around wildly and totally out of her control. She remembered spit rolling down her chin._ She remembered how much she regretted not telling him. She remembered being frozen. 

_That could have been a second ago. It could have been a lifetime ago._

_She didn't want to die without telling the truth. _

_"April, you've hit your head," Jackson replied, repeating what he says to her every time she can recall fading in or out. But she didn't need the reminded. Her head injury has nothing and everything to do with what she wanted Jackson to know. _

_"I know..." April croaked, wincing as the vibrations of her own voice seemed to send knives into her aching head. "But I still love you. I didn't tell you sooner 'cuz I didn't know..."_

_"You don't know what you're saying," he said nervously. _

_"Uh huh." April experimented with softer vocalizations in the hope that the throbbing in her head caused by sound didn't escalate to the paralyzing and scary seizures she remembered from before. _

_Jackson continued, more to himself than her, "And it doesn't matter anyway." _

_Her foggy mind couldn't quite compute. How could love not matter? As best April could think right now, the only reason that explained Jackson being here with her right now was because he loved her. _

_"We didn't work, April," Jackson said quietly as he stroked the back of her hand. "We don't work. We'll never work. It's too hard and it hurt us and you'll remember that tomorrow. Or the next day. We're too different. You don't know what you're saying."_

_The throbbing in her head didn't die down, and it was making it hard for April to find any of her words at all, much less the right ones for a reply. The terrifying and uncontrollable movements were back in her arms and if she wasn't careful, she knew she'd be drooling and her limbs would jerk everywhere. Right in front of Jackson. It seemed to be getting worse and April breathed through her mouth trying to push back the curtain of unconsciousness that she could feel falling in front of her eyes. _

_It didn't work. _

"April, look I am really sorry about that," Jackson began desperately. "I can explain-"

"I told you in Boston that I didn't want to think about it," April snapped. "I hate thinking about it. I'll always hate thinking about it! So shut up!"

Long silence. April could only hear the sounds of Jackson's ragged breaths, which revealed to her just how much her words affected him.

Finally he whispered, "I didn't think you'd be this angry..."

"Well, you're not the only one who can be mad. Or who has feelings."

Her shoulders sagged and she leaned back in her chair. "Look, I don't like being a person that's hard to love. I've always been that person, but I don't like it. I never wanted to be anyone's obligation. And you never, even now...you've never said you love me. Or loved me."

Jackson protested, "I said I was-"

"You said you were sorry that you never said it back. That's not the same as saying 'I love you'," April corrected. "And now it really doesn't make a difference. Then it could have. But if loving me hurt you _so_ badly, and if was _so_ hard then...I don't know. I don't know if it's supposed to be like that. Matthew is a lot of things, but he never had to struggle to love me. He tells me how much he loves me. And I know it's probably really selfish and insecure and proves the exact point about me being hard to love in the first place but...but I think I needed that. I think I need that."

"Wow," Jackson breathed.

April set her jaw ruefully, "Me being selfish is no big surprise I guess."

"No."

"Great," she snorted sarcastically.

"No wait! I meant I wasn't thinking that," Jackson explained. "About you being selfish. That's not it at all, I swear. I just-You're so different now."

"Oh yeah, I know that," April answered angrily. "I lie to my own family now. I'm a fake. My whole freaking life is a fake. You made me a fake."

She knew it was wrong to blame him for everything. No one had twisted her arm to marry Matthew. She got her children through him and at least she wasn't alone. Someone loved her, even if she didn't love him back the same way. But it was easier to be mad at Jackson than herself or her husband for that matter. Most of the time, April knew to blame herself, but right now she just wanted to lash out. Old habits die hard.

Unlike during their residency, Jackson didn't take the bait. Instead he surprised her with a question that irked her because it was clearly as futile as it was sincere.

"Are you happy, April? I know, I'm not."

April blinked, taking deep breaths as she listened to Jackson. This question somehow was too much on top of all they'd aired out so far. It was over the top. She couldn't, no she wouldn't, handle that. April was done.

"What do you think?" she hissed before reaching down and pressing the red button on her phone screen.

She'd had enough of this call.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Right guys. Apologies again. Life sure can take up time. I have another interview today, so here's hoping that works out as well. I hope you enjoy this chapter, and I can't wait to see Japril all dressed up this week in episode 200. So amazing the show has made it this far. Thank you so much for reaching and please let me know what you think! Going to do my best to get you this next chapter a bit sooner. **

* * *

He didn't expect her to be that angry.

Sure, Jackson had expected there to be anger and resentment. Hell, he had his own supply of both when it came to looking back on what happened between himself and April. So, it wasn't really a surprise for him to consider that April might be angry too. The bigger surprise for him was that she called at all.

And then let him have it.

He really had not anticipated the depth of the anger he'd heard in April's voice. In all their years as friends, Jackson had seen her pissed, but he'd never experienced this. He could hear it in her voice. Her voice was one that tended toward the high, the sweet, and the calming. People had made fun of it in the past, but Jackson had always known that when all else failed, no matter how much April was trying to hide something, he could always hear truth in her voice.

The voice on the other end of the phone sounded tired. Cold. And, in more than a few places, vicious.

But he couldn't really fault April for it. Nothing she'd said was untrue. Looking back on the demise of their relationship now, her perspective was actually perfectly understandable.

Jackson supposed it just proved that old saying he'd heard over the years. There really was a fine line between love and hate. That those sentiments were often two sides of the same coin. Two horns on the same bull. And all of that. Jackson wasn't really great with metaphors.

April had changed. He had changed her. She'd told him that once.

_Jackson stood in the doorway, watching as she stood, looking beautiful in red beside the mirror in the locker room. Telling him things that didn't quite ease his apprehensions about leaving. Things that he didn't quite understand. But the words were enough to make him slow down. To press pause on all of his confused feelings and just be._

_Just for one night. _

_"You changed me, Jackson. And I loved that."_

Maybe he had, but he wondered whether it had really turned out to be a change for the better.

One thing was certain: The April who called him last week? She was a whole different person. A person he didn't really know. Once, long ago, Jackson felt that the one person in the word that he truly knew was April Kepner. But it seemed that April Taylor was not the same. April Taylor was fuming mad. A seemingly impenetrable fortress of anger. Anger he wasn't sure he could ever overcome because he was at the root of all the hurt it covered up. In no small part he'd created this person that didn't want to talk to him.

And yet, Jackson did find a victory in the whole thing.

As pissed as April clearly was, she still called. _She_ had called _him_. Just like he'd asked her to. So for her there was a pull too. She still called him. Jackson wasn't sure what her calling meant exactly, but he knew deep down in the core of his soul that the call itself meant as much, if not more than any of the topics they'd discussed.

It had to mean that the door wasn't completely closed to further contact. That there was still some chance, even the slightest chance, that Jackson could salvage some sort of relationship with his former best friend. Once he got to know her again. Once he figured out what to do about her rage. Maybe it wouldn't be perfect, and he knew he wasn't exactly in a position to lure April away from her husband, much as he now understood how he felt.

But Jackson had hope that he wouldn't be subjected to missing her again with no end in sight. A friendship, the one kind of relationship that they actually had a history of success with, was still in the realm of possibility. He needed to hope for that.

She might have been mad, but April had called once. As far as Jackson was concerned that infinitely improved the odds that she would call again. He'd let her make the moves and go at her own pace, but he figured receiving another call was only a matter of time. And Jackson could wait.

This small victory had, in fact, been the source of his improved mood in the two weeks that followed April's phone call. He'd stopped grumbling to his mother about the upcoming decisions they would have to make about awarding Harper Avery Foundation opportunity grants. He'd taken doughnuts and fresh coffee to each of the 3 board meetings he'd chaired. Jackson even managed (against the wheezing skype protests of Harper Avery in Boston) to wrangle his way into a few interesting surgeries, instead of letting his plastics practice take a backseat to his duties as an administrator.

It seemed too, that his co-workers could see the slight change in Jackson's spirits. Karev noticed when they'd worked together on a cleft palate kid, giving Jackson a nudge as they stood in the x-ray room examining the boy's films.

"So...I'm guessing Kepner came through with a call, huh?"

Jackson grew pensive, "She did."

"Cool. I told you she would."

Alex nodded his head and crossed his arms, clearly trying to keep his gaze focused on the x-rays. Jackson smirked. He could tell that Karev didn't want to pry, but he could also plainly see that the pediatric surgeon was desperately curious to know more. And even though they'd never really been close, Alex Karev was the only person he had in Seattle who knew about April's call.

So Jackson decided to put his friend out of his misery and elaborated, "She hung up on me."

"Oh..." Alex replied, wincing awkwardly.

"She's kind of pissed," Jackson explained, for some reason eager to share his perception of the situation. "But she still called, which I think means we can work to be some sort of friends again. Once we talk more. So that's something."

The other surgeon pursed his lips and nodded skeptically, "Something."

"Well, I mean, it's better than not getting a call," Jackson rationalized as Alex's unenthusiastic response dimmed his impression of the situation. "I'm still someone April will talk to."

"She hung up on you. That's not talking. It's hardly a ringing endorsement, man."

Once Jackson had had trouble dealing when things didn't go exactly the way he wanted. Now he was determined to make an effort to be more flexible. With April especially. He was willing to deal with less than ideal. He didn't want to give up simply because the call hadn't ended well. The fact that April called mattered more to Jackson than the fact that she'd hung up.

He crossed his arms defensively, "Well, I wasn't really expecting one. And we did...talk, sort of. Before she hung up."

"Whatever."

"It's better than nothing, okay?"

Alex shrugged and leaned closer to the x-rays, eyeing Jackson suspiciously, "If that works for you, man."

"It does."

Sighing heavily Alex, scratched the back of his head, "What's your endgame in all of this, Avery?"

Maybe that was a part of the problem. Now that he stopped to think about it, Jackson realized had _never_ known his endgame when it came to April. Or at least, he'd never been willing, able or brave enough to face it.

Even when it stared him right in the face.

_Jackson arrived in Cleveland in the middle of the night. The wind and storm that had likely contributed to all of this raged on, though at much less intensity in the city than April must have encountered further south. He took a taxi directly from the airport to Case Western Reserve, striding into the hospital's buzzing Emergency Room just after 2:30 am. There was no way he was going to a hotel. He was a mess of panic and fear, but he did have a singular focus. He needed to be here. __He didn't know for how long, or in what capacity and that didn't even really matter. He needed to be there._ In the hospital. With April's family. 

_As near to April as he could be._

_Scanning the hospital waiting room, Jackson spied a nervous cluster of people he recognized from pictures he'd once seen often on April's phone. There was Joe, sturdy and balding, pacing up and down a row of chairs. Karen, round and flushed, wringing her hands nervously in her seat. Next to her, a tall long legged brunette, he recognized as Libby, and on her left a more petite familiar looking redhead that could only Alice. _

_She noticed his arrival first, springing up from her seat and greeting him, "Dr. Avery?" _

_"It's Jackson," he correctly gently, extending his hand to shake, greeting each of his best friend's exhausted looking family members. _

_Karen smiled sadly and squeezed Jackson's hand, "I wish we were meeting under better circumstances."  
_

_"Me too." She had no idea how much. Jackson's fears and regrets about April made him sick to his stomach. "Have you had any news?" _

_Alice shook her head and looked at her feet, "They still won't let us see her. They say she's still the same." _

_Jackson frowned._

_ By his estimates, April had to have been in the hospital for at least 6 hours. It was one thing to come into a hospital seizing and unstable from a field situation, but surely in a hospital setting the doctors should have been able to get her to some level of stability. If she were at least stable enough to be placed in a coma until things settled down, the hospital would have let April's family see her. At least at Grey Sloan they would. Unless they'd done a CT scan and found something that precluded a medically induced coma, like bleeding, some types of brain damage, or a major fracture. He could tell that April's family knew very little about what was going on, even though it was clear that they had received some updates._

_Running a nervous hand down his chin, trying his hardest to maintain his composure and not break down in fear in front of April's already fearful family, Jackson cast around for a nurse, resident or a doctor. Anyone who could give him details on April's condition._

_"That's bad, isn't it?" Libby asked sadly as Joe, Karen, and Alice looked at him with pleading gazes forming a small semi circle around where he was standing. _

_Jackson couldn't lie to them. "It's not great."_

_"Oh dear God," Karen sniffed tearfully, raising her hands to her face. "Oh no. No. Not April. My baby...how could this happen?"_

_"Hey," he comforted, reaching out to April's mother and squeezing her shoulders. "I know this...seems bad. But April's strong." _

_Jackson needed reminding as much as the rest of them did. He marveled at how easily he fit in among April's family. He couldn't believe how easy it was for him to just walk up and reach out to them. _

_He didn't do that with just anybody. _

_Joe Kepner nodded, and held out his hands to his wife and daughters, "That she is...but it doesn't mean she couldn't use a little extra help."_

_ Jackson watched awkwardly as the quartet of Kepner's in front of him all linked up hands, bowing their heads. He stared uncertainly at the painfully familiar hand Alice extended to him, not sure whether he should take hold or not. They were obviously about to pray, and it really wasn't something Jackson was all that comfortable with. He wasn't a religious guy, and all his previous experiences with April Kepner's out of the blue and confidence crushing brand religiosity had left him burned and weary. Besides, he'd tried praying to God, the president, and Santa Claus as a little boy for the one thing he'd wanted the most. To have his Daddy come back. It'd never worked. _

_Why should he turn to prayer now, just because he was surrounded by a bunch of Bible Belt believers? It always failed him. _

_Jackson continued to stare at Alice's extended hand._

_"Let us pray," Joe began solemnly. "Oh merciful Lord, please hear us. Please give strength to April's doctors so that your hand might guide her care. And p__lease give April your strength, so that she may return to us because we love her dearly._"

_He gulped and slid his fingers between Alice's smaller ones, bowing his head to join the prayer. As easy as that. As though it was nothing. And because it was for April, it kind of felt like it was nothing. _

_Jackson couldn't do that for just anybody. _

In retrospect, Jackson realized he could have noticed the signs about his feelings for April, right then and there. That a part of him did recognize it. It was clear from the moment he arrived in Ohio, no from the moment he'd booked the damned ticket that he was there because he loved her. But still he hadn't been able to process it. He'd left. He still didn't want to think about it. He didn't like to think about why he left Ohio.

"I mean, I feel you, dude. I get that you feel like you can't let this go. But she's married," Alex reasoned. "Kepner lives in freakin' Ohio. If she hung up on you, she's obviously not digging the whole re-connection deal...I've seen how much better you seem to be after just talking with her now and I dunno, it's good in one sense, but in another it's like, I saw you all mopey dopey. You're usually kind of a downer. Have been for years, and now I know why. If you couldn't be happy without that call? If can't be happy without her..."

Jackson turned to face his friend as his jaw dropped in surprise. Could it be that Karev actually cared for his emotional well being? Maybe the wife and kid had made Evil Spawn go soft.

He asked incredulously, "Are you worried about me?"

Alex ducked his head, "Hell no!"

"You are."

"Jo is."

"Yeah right. She barely knows me."

The shorter man continued, "Whatever. Just shut up and listen: I gotta ask, can you handle it if April doesn't want to be friends with you again? Would this call have been enough? Could you handle it if April never talked to you again?"

A single call would never be enough, Jackson realized. April was as instantly addictive and intoxicating to him as she was after that first night in San Francisco.

"I'll be fine. I'm fine..."

"I just don't want you to get all depressed or whatever again, okay? It, uh...it messes with work and stuff."

Jackson shrugged uncomfortably. He hadn't realized his moods and feelings were so easily noticed by the people around him. He worked hard to hide most of what he felt behind a mask of nonchalance. He didn't like it when too many people knew his business.

"I wasn't depressed."

Rolling his eyes, Karev opened his mouth to reply just as Jackson felt his phone ring in his pocket. He held up a finger and squinted down at the id screen and his eyes widened in shock. It was an Ohio number.

April again.

"It's her!"

Reaching up to the Alex's eyes widened, "We've got a surgery, Avery."

"I have to answer!" Jackson almost pleaded, feeling a sense of urgency as the phone rang again. He did not want to miss this call. "I'll give you Greer. She's the best resident I have. 4th year, she can handle it. Just page her. Please, man."

Karev hesitated, pursing his lips and resting his hands on his hips before shrugging, "Okay, fine. Whatever."

Jackson backed out of the x-ray room hurriedly, already lifting his cell phone toward his ear, "Thanks man!"

The last view Jackson had of his shorter friend was of Alex shrugging and awkwardly mumbling, "Well, uh...good luck with that, dude."

Taking extra long strides that made his sneakers squeak, Jackson quickly made his way down the hallway, trying to find as secluded a place as he possibly could before he ran out of time to answer the call. He felt elated and almost giddy at the prospect of speaking with April again. It reinforced his theory that she did have a pull to him, and gave him hope of repairing the friendship they had.

"Hey!" He couldn't keep the smile off of his face.

"Jackson-" Her voice was no warmer than it had been during their last call, though a bit more gravely. April seemed less pleased to be on the phone. And that was fine. At least she'd called again.

"Look, I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable last time we talked, but I think it was probably stuff we needed to get off our chests anyway. We've both got a lot of anger and it's okay. I think we can move past that."

There was noise in the background and she breathlessly faltered, "I really don't have the time to-"

He couldn't seem to stop the flow of words from tumbling out of his mouth,"I'm so glad you called again..."

It was awkward. It was going to be awkward. But it wasn't like Jackson had never dealt with awkward when it came to April before.

_The first time he saw her again, awake, coherent, and healthy after leaving her side in Ohio was about a year after she'd been injured. Somehow, they'd both ended up in New York, representing their respective hospitals at an AMA conference about teaching in hospitals. _

_Jackson spotted April from across the hallway as she exited a speaking session, smiling faintly to himself. She used one hand to pull a loose lock of hair behind her ears and walked confidently out of the room. She looked so well compared to the last time he'd seen her. Granted, he felt guilty because the last time he'd seen her was probably at her worst, but it was nice to see that April had seemingly bounced back completely, given the severity of her head trauma. _

_It reaffirmed his decision to walk away as the right thing to do. Jackson could almost convince himself that being around April was more of a burden than a benefit. For both of them. _

_But he still couldn't stop himself from stepping forward and waving to her, "Hi!" _

_April's expression fell slightly and her eyes darted around the hallway, seemingly trying to focus on anything but Jackson._

_"Hello." _

_The reply was both curt and cautious. And damned uncomfortable. _

_He could understand that. He felt bad. Even if it had been the right choice for both of them as far as he was concerned, it wasn't an easy one. April certainly didn't understand how hard it was for him or what reasons he had considered when choosing to protect her and himself. She just saw him as the douche that wasn't there when she woke up after her surgery. If she even remembered that he'd been there before her surgery._

_ But that was part of it. _

_They'd always had a hard time pulling apart. They always seemed to circle back to each other, beginning the vicious cycle anew. So, Jackson thought that the pain of his departure would probably be definitive enough to prevent them from falling back into the same destructive pattern. It sucked, but it was better this way._

_Being apart was safer. __And, from what he heard from Meredith, Hunt, and the rest, his plan worked. April had married her paramedic. She'd get her happy ending. Which was what she deserved, and all Jackson had ever wanted for her. And certainly more than he felt he could give her._

_Jackson awkwardly pointed to the small diamond that now rested on her left ring finger, "Congratulations!" _

_"Thank you," April replied quietly. __She lowered her gaze, and shifted her jaw, lifting the finger slightly, as though the ring was an occupying foreign object. _

___"I hear the wedding was nice..." _

_He didn't know why on earth he was still talking, especially about a subject that was so painful for both of them. But he supposed that it was habit. Jackson still cared about April, regardless of the decisions he'd been forced to make. He'd been her best friend once. _

_"It was." April swallowed, chewing on the inside of her cheek and looking over her shoulder as a crease appeared in her forehead. _

_"Did you have your butterflies?" _

_Jackson wanted to kick himself. Why the hell couldn't he just shut up? Why couldn't he just leave things be? He just couldn't help himself. He had to know. Walking away from her and leaving her behind would all be worth it if he knew that she'd gotten her dream. That was the whole point. _

_"Uh...I-I have to go..." April stammered, blinking like her life depended on it, as she stepped away from him and abruptly walking down the convention center hallway in the opposite direction. _

"Jackson!" April interrupted firmly. "I'm not calling about...any of that...I-I need your help. It's-it's my mother in law."

"Oh..." His brow furrowed, and he felt himself deflate a little bit.

"Matthew got a call from his mom's neighbor," she continued rapidly. "She collapsed raking leaves in the front yard, and apparently the ambulance took her to Grey Sloan Memorial."

Jackson's frown deepened, _"Oh."_

"I left the kids with my sister. We're already at the airport; I got us on standby..." April added. "But, as you can imagine, Matthew's very concerned, and I was just wondering if you could keep an eye on her until we arrive? Just so I can call, and get him an update as soon as we land? Could you do that?"

Letting out a long exhale, Jackson leaned his head back against the cool walls of Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital. April wasn't calling for him. She wasn't even calling because she was mad at him. This call really did have nothing to do with him. It had nothing to do with repairing their friendship for the future. He was nothing more than geographically convenient. April was calling for Matthew.

Somewhere deep inside, Jackson felt something inside of him twist.

"S-sure," he stammered finally, hoping to hid the disappointment from his voice. "Of course I can."

April had always been hard for him to say no to. The one time he had had turned out to be one of the biggest mistakes of his life, so now Jackson wasn't about to let his old friend down.

"You can?" April sounded surprised.

"Um...absolutely."

He heard rustling in the background before her voice returned, "Okay...thank you, um...I'm just gonna..."

And then, suddenly, without any warning, Matt's voice came on the line, "Hello! Hello? Avery?"

"Yes."

"Her name is Lynn Taylor, okay? She-she lives in Bellevue. Uh...she has blonde hair-it's dyed, obviously but..."

Jackson sighed. He'd never really been a big fan of Matthew and all that he represented, and he would be lying to himself if he didn't admit that he felt intensely jealous of the paramedic and the life he got to have with April. But, the panic was palpable in the other man's voice. Matthew was obviously terrified about his mother. He could actually even empathize. His own mother lived far away and she was getting to be a certain age.

"I'm sure I will be able to find her," Jackson replied, as kindly as he could. "Call me when you land and I'll have some news."

"It's just a fall, right?" Matthew rationalized. "I mean, people fall all the time. My daughter, s-she falls like everyday and she's fine so..."

Trying to stay neutral, he replied, "Falls are common..."

But for old people they usually didn't end quite as well as they ended for younger ones. Jackson didn't feel the need to mention that. He knew that the poor man's mind would already be occupied with every worst case scenario possible. Matthew was a career paramedic, he'd seen it all anyway. Waiting was going hard enough. He'd been there before himself. Jackson wasn't going to add to that worry.

After exchanging a few more details about flight times, the call was ended, and Jackson stood alone in the darkened hallway looking at his phone. This was hardly the turn of events he'd been hoping for. He'd envisioned a number of on going phone calls, and more certainty over the status of their relationship as friends before he'd be in the same room with April again. Indeed, framing his thoughts in terms of conversations with April, carefully contained on the phone, allowed Jackson to focus less on the other parts of her life. The parts that made his heart hurt.

Matthew and Jake and Lindsey.

Even with all the anger that his last call with April had revealed, talking on the phone was a less painful focus. Calls could be a lifeline on the path to some sort of reconciled friendship.

Gently slipping his phone back into his pocket, Jackson made his way to the ER to track down whatever information he could about the arrival of Lynn Taylor at Grey Sloan. Not because he particularly cared about Matthew or his mother, beyond the barest level of sympathy. He knew that his actions were solely motivated by his realization that there was, at least, one silver lining to Lynn Taylor falling down.

Jackson would be seeing April again, far sooner than he could ever have anticipated, given the nature of their last conversation. She was coming to Grey Sloan. He would see her within the day.

* * *

Out of the corner of her eye, April watched her husband fidget uncomfortably with his seat belt as their cab sped through the misty Seattle streets. She crossed her arms and sighed, blowing an errant lock of hair awake from her cheek. She could tell how nervous Matthew was. He'd been bombarding the taxi driver with short cut suggestions based on ten years out of date experience as a Seattle paramedic.

He had good reason to be anxious. As soon as they'd landed at Sea-Tac, a call to Jackson had revealed that Lynn's condition was actually quite serious. She'd suffered a pretty massive stroke. Though Jackson had obviously tried to temper the severity of the situation over the phone, she could tell that the situation with her mother in law was grave. Strokes were bad.

"Avery said her neurologist is Dr. Brooks? Was she there when you were?"

"Uh," April answered distractedly. "Yes. Barely."

Matthew demanded, drumming his fingers urgently on the door handle, "Is she any good?"

"I have no idea!" The intern had been dubbed Mousey when April knew her.

April winced. She didn't meant to snap at him. She didn't. It was just being in Seattle again was already getting to her. She hadn't even gotten out of the damn cab yet, and she was already freaking out. Thinking of seeing Jackson again unnerved her.

"Brooks was an intern. I didn't get to teach her often. She mostly worked Derek Shepherd's service though...he always picked her for rotations..."

"So, she's probably good. She learned from the best," Matthew reasoned, biting his bottom lip and blinking back tears. "That's good."

Uncrossing her arms, April reached out to rest a comforting hand on Matthew's bouncing knee. She knew she should be better at supporting him at a time like this. Matthew was an only child, who had a very good relationship with his mother. His father had passed away when he was a teenager, which April thought also contributed to his closeness with his mother. With some chagrin, April noted that two of the most important men in her life were only son's and Mama's boys.

Of course Matthew was worried and he had every right to be. He was as good as son, as far as April could tell, as he was a father and husband. She was the one who wasn't good at any of it. She was the problem.

Like always. It was all her.

As they neared the hospital April felt guilty for the sense of dread that had nothing whatsoever to do with the well being of her husband's mother. She dreaded seeing Jackson again, after he'd...well, _he_ hadn't exactly made her call him. She couldn't really be mad at him for that, not matter how much she might want to. He'd asked her to call, and when it came to Jackson Avery, April found herself basically incapable of saying 'no'.

And the call had brought to the surface all the uncomfortable truths about her life. Truths that she'd rather not have to examine. Weaknesses and flaws about herself that made her feel terrible. And then of course, Jackson would be there. She'd pulled him into this as well. Her first impulse upon realizing that her mother in law was going to Grey Sloan was to call Jackson. Like, even after all the hurt and all the years of separation, she still turned first to him for help.

Which was really pathetic when you thought about it. April was still partially willing to depend on a guy who'd broken her heart. Because she knew he'd do it. He would help. Even if it was for Matthew's mother. Jackson would do it because he seemed to still have intense feelings for her. And really in the grand scheme of their friendship, he'd rarely failed to come through for her when she'd _actually_ asked for help.

There was just the one time.

_The only other time in her life, April could ever recall feeling this scared was when she'd been staring down the barrel of a gun. And there was no way she could bargain her way out of this. The stabbing pain in her head wasn't going to go away by mere talking. Nor was the rolling nausea that went along with head wounds. And worst of all, the sudden seizures and unexpected blackouts were completely out of her control._

_April knew she was better off now than she was when she'd come in, but she was so confused and weak that the small successes on the road to her recovery weren't exactly comforting. Nor was the presence of her family. __S__omehow Libby and Kimmie had missed the memo about her break up with Matthew, and called him. So he was wandering around here somewhere. _Her hysterical, overly worried and medically under informed mother and father didn't exactly instill her with confidence or calm. Not when they seemed to be constantly praying, as though she was on the verge of dropping dead

_Especially at first, when April found it difficult to concentrate and communicate. Initially, s__he could only hold onto whips of thoughts. Bits and pieces. Memories. _

_Truths._

_But when Jackson was there he'd been like a rock. She was fuzzily aware that he'd disappeared somewhere along the way and that was as frightening as her head. She thought he would stay. Hadn't she asked him to? They'd been in the middle of talking about something important. The truth. She'd told him the truth about how she felt. April knew she loved Jackson. At this moment in time that was one of the few things she was certain of, and she'd told him so._

_He didn't believe her, of course. He had a hard time believing it. She didn't know how to make him believe. _

_"Where...where's," April struggled to form her words as she fought to open her eyes. "Where's Jackson?" _

_When she finally peeled her eyes open, her sister Alice was looking down at April sadly, "He had to go back to Seattle."_

_"Whuh? Why?" _

_Alice shrugged, "Something about the board? I don't know. He said they needed him."_

_"But I," April felt her muscles contract and her hands started to shake. Her tremors were not as bad as when she'd first arrived at the hospital, and her doctors had a decent plan in the works to get rid of her seizures altogether, but they still really freaked April out. She hated feeling so out of control. It was terrifying and embarrassing in the same instant._

_"I need..."_

_"I know,"Alice replied gently, using the edge of the bed sheet to wipe the spit off of April's chin. "He said he's sorry. And he's rooting for you. I know you want your best friend, but y__ou're not alone._ The rest of us are here. And Matthew. He's here too. I know you two broke up, but...I didn't tell anyone. He really cares about you. And we'll all be here when you get out of surgery, okay? You're going to be okay."

_Of course, Alice didn't understand. April had never told her or anyone else in her family the whole truth about herself and Jackson. She blinked back tears. Without him, it really didn't feel like she would be okay._

Despite that crushing failure, April knew deep down that Jackson would help if she asked him to. And he had. With no hesitation. He didn't throw in a snide comment about Matthew, or his mother. He didn't force her to talk longer on the phone about things she didn't want to talk about. Jackson simply agreed to help. And that willingness to come to her aid, even when the circumstances of their non-relationship at this point clearly pained him, made April's feelings for Jackson resurface in an uncontrollable wave. So she'd dreaded going to Seattle.

Seeing him would only make the feelings more real.

The cab arrived at Grey Sloan Memorial, and Matthew practically flew out of the car and through the front doors. Trailing behind, April couldn't help pausing to take in the modernized hospital. It was hard to believe she was back at Grey Sloan once again. The place looked different, but still quite familiar in some respects. Like most of the world it was occupied by more touch screens and fewer empty wall spaces.

She'd experienced _so_ very much between these walls. Loss and terror. Humiliation and triumph. Everything in between. And now here she was walking through the hallways as a Harper Avery Award winning surgeon. Who would ever have predicted that? In Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital, April Kepner was once the dud.

Now, she'd just won one of the highest honors any surgeon could hope to receive. Yet, walking through the doors, there was a part of her that still felt small. And unworthy. Frauds weren't supposed to succeed.

Jackson stood near the main reception station, and greeted them with a solemn expression as soon as he caught sight of the couple coming in from the rain.

April's eyes widened and Matthew instantly deflated, "No...she's-she didn't..."

"She's alive," Jackson replied seriously, leading them into a nearby elevator and pressing the button that would take them up to neuro. He swallowed hard and seemed to be doing everything he possibly could to avoid making eye contact with April.

Matthew grabbed hold of her hand tightly, "Oh thank God."

April blinked and held on to her husband's fingers, taking a swift step to the back of the elevator, keeping Matthew firmly between herself and Jackson. Fortunately her husband seemed too distraught to comment.

"But...there's a lot of damage. She's in a medically induced coma right now. Dr. Brooks will explain when we get upstairs, okay?"

Finally the elevator arrived at it's destination. They walked toward Lynn Taylor's room and were greeted by a familiar, though much more assured looking Heather Brooks. Jackson hung back as the young neurosurgeon began to speak.

The news wasn't good, as April had suspected. Massive stoke. Lots of dead tissue. Comatose for now. When they woke her up, Dr. Brooks told them with a stony face that, while she was confident that with therapy Lynn would regain some function, that level would likely be low.

She might not be able to walk. Or speak. Or even remember who they were. Lynn Taylor would never be able to live on her own again.

Oh God.

Feeling her emotions rise, April's jaw dropped and she hung her head as she heard the news. Matthew lost his battle with tears, and doubled over with a sob. He held his hands to his face and swore softly. April couldn't let herself cry. She couldn't let her thoughts spin out of control as she tried to figure out what this kind of a diagnosis meant. What kind of an impact it might have on their lives. She couldn't get carried away.

Not when Matt needed her to be there for him. He needed his wife to support him. April reached out and wrapped her arms around his shoulders, rubbing them in the same comforting circles she used on Jake and Lindsey when they had nightmares. Of course, Matthew's nightmare was real.

"I'm sorry," Brooks said sadly. "I wish I had better news for you..."

"Yeah," Matt huffed sarcastically, wriggling out of April's grasp and shaking his head.

"Oh Matthew..." she sniffed, surprised that he would pull away.

Focusing on Heather, he set his jaw and took deep breaths. "I want to see her. I want to see my mom."

Brooks nodded sympathetically, and looked back and forth between the couple, "Okay. We can do that. She's in the high risk room, so we're going to have to limit it to one visitor at a time."

"Uh, yes. Of course," April agreed, reaching out to Matthew once again and squeezing his hand. "You go ahead, be with her. Take the time you need. I'll wait here."

Matt's brow creased and he nodded sadly before Dr. Brooks took him to see his mother, leaving April to wait behind, leaning on an empty gurney. When they disappeared, she hung her head and felt a few tears escape her eyes.

Waiting. She shook her head and looked at her hands.

It seemed like such a hollow offer. Too little. Too useless. But it was all April could offer. She wasn't able to fix her mother in law's brain. She wasn't able to fully love Matthew, even though he loved her back. She wasn't able to be the wife he deserved. Hell, she wasn't even fully able to concentrate on his pain in this moment, because damned if Jackson hadn't sat down next to her on the gurney.

He didn't touch her. He didn't reach out his hand to pull her close as he once would have done.

Even so, it was as though every cell in April's body was painfully aware of her proximity Jackson. She knew he was only trying to comfort her, but she also knew the treacherous nature of her own mind.

_"No. No! I'll do it. I can do it," April said, the firmness in her voice surprising. But it didn't last. "I just...I need a minute."_

_"Right," Jackson agreed. __She could feel him watching her._

___She didn't understand why this one was hitting her so hard. Just when April thought she had God figured out, he had to go and pull something like this. It just wasn't fair. Her patient's children deserved to grow up with mother's. Yet somehow, twice in her career, mother's died leaving behind innocent little kids. One had died because of her own mistake. This time she'd been meticulous. April had done everything right. Everything. _

___Why did Elyse have to die? _

_Suddenly, everything was just coming apart. The shaky construction of calm she tried desperately to maintain in front of Jackson fell away, revealing the tragic mess beneath. All the emotions she felt welling up inside. Everything she pushed down and tried to hide. It all came bubbling up. At first April thought it might just be a few tears, but as soon as the gate opened, she realized that there was no stopping the flood. She sobbed like she hadn't allowed herself to sob in a long time. _

_And Jackson just held her close and let her rest her head on his shoulder, rocking slowly on the gurney. _

_The tears continued, and April realized that she wasn't crying for just this patient, but all her lost patients. And all her lost friends. And for the baby that never was, but now she kind of wished for. For all the things she didn't understand about how she felt about God. And herself._

_And Jackson._

_Sometimes April's thoughts made her feel like she was going crazy. Perhaps she needed a good cry. _

_Taking a shaky breath as the tears died down, April pulled away from his warm embrace, suddenly acutely aware of the fact that he was, in fact, the one person in the world who she felt totally comfortable falling apart in front of. He was the only one. And even after all that had happened between them. All the crap and confusion. Even with all of that, Jackson was here for her. _

_Her eyes darted to from his yes to his lips and back again. April knew what she wanted to do. How exactly she wanted to thank him, even if there was a part of her that knew it was wrong, since they were both dating other people and kissing wasn't exactly something that April was good at stopping anyway, since once she kissed Jackson she always craved more and he obviously felt something too, since he was leaning closer and maybe it wouldn't be the end of the world if-_

_"Hey!" _

_April gasped at the sound of Karev's voice. _

She scooted a few inches away from Jackson.

Don't be too close. That was the trick. She couldn't let herself get too close. Because she was that horrible wife with thoughts in her mind about another man, in the very same moment her husband was having his worst day.

April was mad at herself for calling Jackson. Matthew knew nothing about it, but it still was causing problems between them. Lying by omission is still lying.

And she'd had to lie by omission to Matthew in the days following her fight with Jackson. April couldn't tell her husband that she was incapable of getting her old friend off of her mind.

She'd known it was a mistake to call and it took her back to a place she didn't want to be. Back to a place in her marriage that made her feel like even more of a fraud than ever. Back to her wedding night and the troubles of the early years of her marriage. To where all she had to do was close her eyes and Jackson would be there. Everywhere he shouldn't be.

You're not supposed to be picturing someone else's perfect, sweating, glistening form, when your own husband is really the one right with you.

_"Are you okay?" _

_The phrase uttered was a little too close to home, given the fantasy she'd just spent most of the encounter indulging in. Oh the irony._

_April opened her eyes, and gulped air as Matthew rolled off of her grunting in satisfaction. She winced as the same reply escaped her lips, "I'm fine." _

_Hoping against hope that her answer would end things, April turned on her side, away from her husband, curling herself into a small ball beneath the sheets._

_"But...you didn't..." Matt flushed and kissed her shoulder. Even after 8 years of marriage he still couldn't talk about it very easily. _

_"I know." Oh, April was painfully aware that she hadn't. "I don't always..."_

_"I'm sorry," Matthew sighed. "I think I just got too excited." _

_April rolled her eyes to the ceiling. Oh dear Jesus, she did not want to do some sort of post game analysis. She wasn't up for the pep talk. _

_All she could muster was a gentle, "And that's okay. It was still very nice." _

___April would make do. Tomorrow, another trip down memory lane and a solo trip to the shower would do the trick. _

_"But it could have been better for you." She could hear the tone of his words change as a grin appeared on his lips. "It still could be." _

_April shied away from the roaming hand that suddenly moved down her thigh, and turned over to face Matthew, __"__No, it's okay. I'm just stressed. It's not going to happen tonight anyway, and we should probably just sleep. We've got to get the kids to school in the morning." _

_More like, "I actually can't stop thinking of Jackson and he was kind of mind blowing at sex and it took me years to stop thinking about it, but then I called him, exactly like you didn't want me to do, and it was super intense and it's brought up a lot of old thoughts."_

_ And all April's hangups. _

_But she couldn't say that. Her selfish, deviant thoughts would only hurt him. _

_Frowning, Matthew looked at April skeptically before leaning forward and kissing her forehead, "Okay. But I promise to make it up to you next time."_

_"Sure."_

_Yeah...right. _

You're not supposed to prefer a memory to the real thing. Or another man to your own husband.

Thinking of Jackson was a dangerous game April had only just managed to get the upper hand on before all this. It was _such_ a slippery slope for her. And April could already feel herself sliding.

"Were you close to your mother in law?" Jackson asked tentatively. It was a bit of a relief that he hadn't tried to close the newly made gap between them on the bed. And that he didn't push her to talk or fight about days gone by.

April shrugged, "Not really. She lives here. We live in Ohio. Matthew calls her three time a week though. And she visits."

"Oh."

"She was always nice to me," she explained, not wanting it to sound like they were estranged or anything. "Distant, but very kind. She came out to stay with us when I was on bed rest when I was pregnant with Lindsey. It wasn't an easy pregnancy and...well, without her help, I don't know...that's why Lindsey is Lindsey."

"Lynn, Lindsey," Jackson nodded. "I get it."

To be quite honest, Lynn had always intimidated April a little bit. She'd never come right out and questioned April on anything, but often the words she said would have double meanings and there were days when April was just sure that the older woman could see right through her. Days where it felt like Matthew's mother was just waiting for April to screw up. And that had generally left her on edge around Lynn, constantly wondering if at any moment her mother in law would confront her about not actually being in love with her Matthew.

April wrung her hands fretfully, "I think she knew."

Jackson looked puzzled, "Knew what?"

"That-that I..." April shook her head and wiped an errant tear. "I'm not the best wife for her son. I'm not...I'm terrible. Sometimes...I don't even recognize this person I've become."

She didn't know why she was opening up to him like this. A part of her was still furious at him for the part he'd played in setting her life on this track. If only Jackson had been able to be more honest with her sooner. If only he'd stayed with her in the hospital. So many if only's.

Nonetheless, even with all that anger, April still felt comfortable with Jackson in this moment. Once he was her caretaker, and the role was easy to let him take again.

His eyes narrowed sympathetically, "April..."

"Some people are better at spotting fakes than others. I think Lynn spotted me." April sighed. "Not that she'll be able to do anything about it now. I suppose there's a silver lining to everything."

The woman just had a stroke.

Her shoulders sagged in guilt and she instantly regretted her sarcasm. It was selfish, totally self serving, and in poor taste. Par for the course with her these days.

Damn it.

"You're not a fake, April," Jackson countered. "You're just...you're-"

April smirked when he trailed off, seemingly unable to put a positive spin on her personal life. If the subject matter and the circumstances weren't so bleak, this would almost be nice. They were kind of talking again, in that free easy way they once had. Her anger was at bay, and so was his. For the time being at least.

"You're just a good person making the best life for yourself that can," he continued finally. "It's just not the life you could have had and that's my fault really. I...I never should have pushed you away."

She threw her head back and laughed. Sure, some of the blame rested on Jackson's shoulders for the way their relationship as lovers and friends ended. Ad she was mad at him for that. But Jackson wasn't the only person involved. She'd played her part too. And April was willing to own that role now. And all the decisions and vows she'd made after moving to Ohio were all April as well.

No one had held a gun to her head.

"My life's a mess, and I'm that selfish person who dragged 3 other people into it." April shrugged. "I was afraid of being alone, you know? I was so afraid of it that I just...I married a guy. I married him because he said he didn't mind me not loving him back. And then we had two kids to try to fix it all. I love them; Jake and Lindsey are the best things in my life right now, but how I got here in the first place...it's all pretty stupid."

Now it was Jackson's turn to shrug, "I bet it beats being alone. Because I can tell you...that sucks just as much as you were afraid it would. Probably more."

April turned to look at him in concern. He lifted his eyes to hers, she could see how sad Jackson really was. His blue eyes were probably her favorite physical feature, and she could see that they'd dimmed. This gaze was not the same one she'd known and loved during her residency. It was older, more hardened.

Unhappy.

Unable to help herself, April felt her eyes flick down to Jackson's lips. She bit her own as she saw Jackson's tongue dart out and form a quick circle around his. Oh no. Her thoughts were the same terrible thoughts and her desires were the same shameful desires that had gotten them into this mess in the first place.

Guys like him and girls like her didn't work. They'd proved that. And the way their lives were now was even less conducive to working than ever before. But April just wanted to make Jackson feel better. They both leaned forward, drawing closer together so that their lips were mere inches apart. She could feel him breathing.

Suddenly, at the last minute, April pulled away, jumping off of the gurney and moving to the other side of the hallway, "What are we doing? What am I doing?"

Still leaning against the bed, Jackson watched her with wide eyes.

Oh God.

What the hell was she doing? There first real 'alone' time in about a decade, and it had taken, what? Less than ten minutes for them to be on the verge of sucking face? What kind of self control was that? She was really that weak. Literally unable to control herself.

April ran her hands through her hair. She was a married woman. Her own husband was only a few doors down, sitting with his ailing mother for Christ's sake. And this was how she was honoring her vows? This was how she was going to pay Matthew back for years of his attentive, maddening goodness?

She might be a terrible wife and a shell of the person she wanted to be, but April realized she'd never forgive herself for being a cheater. She'd never be able to live with that guilt.

"Uh-we can't..." April fumbled, making a b-line back toward the elevators. "I...I'm gonna go get Matthew some food. Yes...food. You can-you can go back to whatever you were d-doing before...We r-really appreciate your help."

Halfway down the hallway, April could hear the sound of Jackson's sneakers following her, so she picked up her own pace. She was practically barreling down the hallway, and in a stroke of luck she caught an open elevator just as it's occupants exited. April lurched in side and frantically pressed the button for level 3, which she prayed was still the home of Grey Sloan's cafeteria.

"April! Wait!"

But she couldn't, so she pressed the button and closed the doors just as Jackson reached the elevator.

April hung her head and stared her own reflection in the silver doors, uncertain of who exactly her next words were directed toward. Matthew? Jackson? Her children? Lynn Taylor? Herself? God? All of the above?

"I'm so sorry."


End file.
